I wish I had more of an exciting update. H. didn’t call back last night. He was working, so it is possible he got busy at work and couldn’t call. Also, he had told me he was working a day tour today, so I assume that is why I haven’t heard from him this afternoon. I thought it would be best to let him make contact first, so that he calls me when he is ready to talk and has the privacy to do so. I keep thinking this must really be bothering him if he would go to the trouble of calling me to tell me that he is having a hard time with this and is depressed. I can’t tell you how much my heart hurts for him today, knowing he is troubled. I realize he needs to be, after all he has done, and this is good, but still, I hate to think of him feeling so badly. For now, I’m demonstrating patience and hoping he speaks with me soon.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Oh my gosh...I have been waiting all day for this update (even got up at 1am looking for a late night update)...I even tried to go to your thread and ask for an update and I was locked out...hang in there...I think you are doing the right thing by letting hem have his time to come to you...You have to be going crazy in side though...I feel for you and puling for you at the same time...brush up on the validating and prepare for whatever direction he might be going with this. Good Luck and keep us posted.
well, in all likelihood it probably wouldn't be a good idea to communicate with him now - he might be confused and cold, as many MLCrs are. So leave it be and just wait until smoke clears.
I have some update however if you care to comment; I've been trying to ask the Moderator to move my tread here, but he ignores me..
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
HF I have been so tempted to pop into your MLC thread and ask for the update. Why do you do that when your thread is about to lock? Do you know what that does around here? I have dial up and pay for every call over 50 in a month!
You know, my thread locked early; I think it was only on page 7 or 8. Weird.
I still have not heard from my husband and I don't know if maybe at this point I should call him to see if he is ok. I have been thinking about him all afternoon.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I said I was glad to hear from him; I'd been a little worried and wondered how he was doing. He said he was ok; he was just upset about some things that were happening at work---that is what was depressing him. It turns out, he probably isn't going to get the transfer he'd hoped for, and he was having a hard time with that. We talked about this, well, I let him talk, and I listened. I said, "But everything else is going ok?" He said, "Yeah; everything else is good." (He is not depressed about our R. or what he did to me)
Somehow I managed to ask in a roundabout way if he was still seeing o.w. He said, "No, not really." Then, he said, "I'm looking...I'm looking." I asked what he was looking for. He said, "For a variety of things." (what he meant is, he is now out there looking for o.w. #2, or more) He also mentioned some regret over having to look for his own apt., as his brother is going to sell the house he's staying at. I did remind him that he didn't have to get an apt. and he said, "I'm not coming back." So a short R. talk began, and I asked him if he's at this point in his life (meaning o.w. is out of the picture) then could he be honest with me about why he wouldn't consider us dating and getting to know each other again. He kept saying, "I'm not coming back." I said, "That's not what I meant. I know that you do not want to come back, and that's not what I'm talking about." He said, "Well, I'm not interested because it would remind me too much of the past." I said, "You mean, all the negative things that have happened?" He said, "Yes. And I was unhappy for years." (he's still claiming this even though it did not show for years) We talked somewhat about the things that have changed, and I specifically mentioned some things that I felt would be important for the both of us if we were going to give things a try. I was not trying to be bossy at all, but gently suggesting some ideas that I felt he would feel were good moves. For example, I told him even if we did work things out, I still thought we should still separate the finances. As I was explaining this, he said, "Ok...I'm listening...ok..." He didn't dismiss the idea. I asked him if things like this would make a difference on how he viewed the situation. He said that he would call me tomorrow. That was basically it.
So I don't feel much better about things at all. His attitude about us is that he was not happy and he views coming back as going back to the way things were. Instead, he feels it's better to run from the past, and "move on" as he said. Find someone else. o.w. didn't work out for whatever the reason, but even that isn't making him want to come back. If it's truly over between them, this is the prime opportunity for him to be rethinking coming back home to give us a try, and he's telling me he's not going to do this. That he's "out there looking" for the next o.w. and new R.
So, I don't feel very optimistic that he is ever going to want to try to work things out. I'm not sure what to do. Trying to show H. that I've worked on myself and made positive changes doesn't even seem to register with him. I feel like there is a small window of opportunity open right now, before he finds another o.w. to distract him, and if I don't do something now, there isn't going to be a chance to make him look my way.
I'll admit I am disappointed that he did not call to apologize or that the things he did were what was bothering him.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I completely understand how you're feeling. I feel like my H too wants to come home but just feels like he can't and is looking for someone, anyone else to be with. Just being at your home may be too painful for him. As soon as I moved back in to my apartment I put several photos of my H and I back up. I found that I had to take back down our wedding photos that were next to the bed as it was just too much to look at. I know you love your house but maybe for your M to work you need a fresh start.
I don't think it's the house. In fact, H. doesn't want to sell it at all. I think what he would love is for me to throw up my hands, leave and let him buy me out. He would love to live here...alone. I think it's just me. He is convinced he cannot be happy with me. I am not perfect believe me, but I just can't see what awful, terrible things happened that I caused that have caused memories that keep him from trying. If anything, it's the lying and cheating that went on by HIM that are the bad memories. I don't know what to do. I would love to ask him to come over to talk. I feel like I need to act now, do something, before he actually gets his own apt. or hooks up with another o.w. This feels like a window of opportunity. I want to ask him to come over and talk with me this weekend, but I don't know if that is a good idea either. I can't push him to do something he doesn't want to do, but I feel like he isn't understanding that our R. would be very different than it was. He does NOT seem to understand that, or believe it. I know things would need to be handled differently but he isn't giving me the chance to show him that things could be better.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hey hope- Sorry that things didn't go well with H last night. We both seemed to have similar interactions last evening. My H was also saying that he couldn't go back b/c there were too many painful memories.
I will probably sound like a hypocrite, but i don't think you should invite him over to talk. There is no amount of convincing that we could do right now that would make them change their minds. If your H got another ow, i don't think it would matter much in terms of him giving you another chance. Meaning, it doesn't sound like he is getting emotionally invested in these other R. If that's the case, then there wouldn't be much of an obstacle in coming back to you. Does that make sense. I think you need to let him feel these emotions right now. The more we try to convince them that they should come back (that we're right), the more they will resist (that they're right).
I am probably not the best one to be giving advice right now, given what happened last night and how i acted. But, my experience is that they are not going to have some big revelation that we are right, they should come back, if we try to convince them of our changes.
I wish i could tell you what to do...i don't have a clue. Except that i think you should give him some space this weekend. Let what you talked about last night sink in with him...give him some breathing room.
That's my 2 cents...i hope nothing i wrote offended you.
