Another Thursday

[PArob]

Here it is, Monday morning and another dose of different day, same...you get the point. In any event, W came home early yesterday from her "retreat". I spent the morning digging out our driveway while the girls went off to play in the snow. W acknowledged that at some point, we needed to talk.

In any event, we got around to sitting down in the afternoon and I laid out some of the things I had been thinking about..namely that I felt that there was a lot of good in our M and that I loved her very much, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary really.

When it came to her turn, she ackowledged that there was a lot of good in our R, that we have always been a very close family (this is true), that she loved me, etc. She knows this is the place for her and so on and over the weekend she was thinking about something I had said to her a couple of weeks ago in relation to my EA in '04. I had told her that what really brought it home for me was that I looked at the OW and asked myself whether I could actually live the rest of my life with that person. She said that she had thought about this over the weekend and couldn't see herself doing that. Interesting. She said a few more things, said that she never intended for this to happen (yes, I understand that completely) and never wanted to hurt me. In the end, she did say that she wanted to make a go of it and would try to move beyond OM.

Okay, so in theory, it sounds so very good and I am pleased, but definitely not convinced or even swayed that this is the case. In the past, I would get emotionally hung up on these words, but this time I feel different. In my heart, I know that despite her best intentions, things are not over and her feelings are just as real today as there were last month, or even three months ago. The fact is, she has strong feelings for OM (she ackowledged this yesterday) and I really don't see her being able to just shut them off. This is the reality and I guess I've come to accept it. The point being, this is so far from being over. She had mentioned yesterday that she would explain this to OM, but I have a feeling that this conversation will not occur anytime in the near future. I am a little sad coming to such a revelation, but I'm stronger in facing it today than I have been in the past. I guess that could be considered progress.

So, the game plan continues. Try to focus on getting rid of my negative behaviors and replacing them with more positive ones, be supportive, and stop snooping! Hopefully a brighter will come, but for now its hard to see the silver lining.