As for forgiveness, this is my major hang-up right now. Basically I dwell on everything that I have learned...the lies, betrayal, etc. It is killing me.
I think if there is any area where I have been able to do something really well, it is this one. I actually told someone that I would NOT take back the past month. I would choose to go through the pain because IF my W and I make it through this, I KNOW it will be better than before.
You have to get to the point where you can just accept your W's actions not so much as a betrayal, but as a mistake she made when not considering you. I don't know how many of our WAS think to themselves "Hmmmm, what could I do to really screw him up? Oh, I know, violate his trust and have an affair." We know that's not how it happens and YOU know more than the rest of us. Sure, those feelings may arise in the course of things, but I don't think they set out to hurt us so much as they just don't consider us as much as themselves. When I think of things this way, it lets me see more clearly the path to forgiveness. Now, if my W, or yours, actually said they did this to hurt us, and we believed them, then that's a different story. I know mine has said almost the complete opposite. How 'bout yours?
If you were/are a controlling person like me and I think we have established you are, then you must find a way to stop all this worrying about the past. You are attempting to control even that, which is silly. What happened, happened and no amount of thinking about it will change it. Think of it like your most important detachment project right now. You need to detach from the past, what your W did, and anything else that causes you to dwell in self pity/sadness. Also, this is good because you can practice this detachment while she is gone.
Also like you, I now have a situation where it seems as if my W is downplaying the OM (for real now) and looks to be moving him out of her life, but then again, I don't know that. You and I will both face severe tests of our new ability to channel our negativity.
Read, have fun, see friends, etc. this weekend and let it be a time when Rob becomes whoever he wants to be. Introduce her to you when she gets back.
