Yeah, I think you're right on a lot of levels. I believe that in her mind, she knows this is where she wants to be, etc, but her confusion about her feelings is throwing a monkey wrench into this whole process. Plus, as you have said, i can really be my own worst enemy at times.
In any event, I need to do a great deal of soul searching this weekend and decide what it is that I can do and cannot do...there are so many positives, but I let those little negatives wipe everyone one of them out.
I do not doubt that she knows that I love her, in fact she has told me that perhpas for the first time in our R, she really honestly knows and believes that I love her. I really believe that she never expected me to have this much patience and understanding (although I still have a long way to go, it is a vast improvement for me) so I have to continue working on that.
As for forgiveness, this is my major hang-up right now. Basically I dwell on everything that I have learned...the lies, betrayal, etc. It is killing me. We had a small discussion on this earlier today, I just mentioned that this was something I had to deal with and determine how much I could do. Something she said kind of brought it back into line for me when she said "well, remember, you were no angel when you were with OW". Ouch! Yeah, she's right on that point. However, I didn't point this out, but I thought it, one of the things she said to me when this whole thing started going down was that she never forgave me for that incident.
I guess I really have to work some of those things out and see where they lie....I know in my heart of hearts that any decisions she makes that are a result of my pressure, guilt, etc. are not her true decisions, but on the other hand, I have boundaries that I can live within. All so very confusing......
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
