Hi yo-yo, Don't really have much to add/advice/etc. Just wanted to lend some support about the move... I know how you feel, that moving is something that has to be done, like a last ditch effort to see if we can REALLY make things work. It is a lot to leave behind friends and family, routines and schools and all, that is scary. One of the hard things has been GAL in a town where you don't know anybody, and that is important for sanity's sake, let alone DB'ing! But, that in itself has been a 180, going out to do things alone. You gotta do what feels right, and if moving is it, then go for it!
Quote: he wants to start afresh and NOT talk about THIS anymore.
Quote:
Yep, heard that one, and I wanted, still want, reassurances. I'm hoping that as we learn to be friends again and regain that part of intimacy, we will talk, I'll get reassurances, all that stuff. And it is happening, slowly.
Just wondering .... why are you moving to country x, and your H isn't moving to where you and the kids are? I probably missed it somewhere in your thread.
I have to tell you that we have moved our family to a new country, and it was very hard. I have spoken to many of my countrymen, and most have stated that they couldn't have done it unless they had a very strong M, plus many ended up getting a divorce. Moving to another country is very stressful - I cannot stress that enough (ugh, excuse the pun). You are not only going to be adjusting to a whole bunch of new things, but also trying to work on your M. Plus, it's putting way too much power into your H's hands - which have proven to be untrustworthy. I am not saying he won't work on your M, and that he can't be trustworthy in the future, but it seems to me that there is a lot of sacrificing on your part, and not much on his, and then the kids have to be uprooted again, if things don't work out.
I moved to a new town in our new country, so that H and I could start anew, but it has been really hard because we don't have our friends as support (even if only as a social outlet), and I gave up my job, and can't find another one here (which pretty much leaves me financially vulnerable to my H). So, please weigh everything very carefully, and err on the side of staying where you are, IMHO, and in my hard earned experience.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
KDK - H says he has ended with ow...but I don't know... He kept on saying that we will work on US once we move over.
Leslie - I have lived away from home before... so, not that afraid about the move... BeingMe – Thanks for your concern in my decision to move. But at this point in time, don’t think that I could say NO to the move. I know H has not been a trustworthy person. But think that I need to do this more for ME. As I mentioned, I would not be able to be truly satisfied that I have DONE all I can if I refused to move and my M falls apart. On the other hand, if my M still fails after the move, I can at least tell myself that I have done all I can and did my best to preserve my M. Of course it would be a bonus if my M is preserved and is saved with the move. But I wouldn’t know if I don’t try. As my mentor says “If each time you travel, you are certain that the plane is going to crash, you will never ever go up on the plane. Would you?” Everything in life comes with some level of risks, I guessed. The move though sounds scary is not all that scary. It’s not the first time that I have moved to a foreign country nor the first time I have given up my job. I have done it before we moved back to our home country 4 years ago…. The only difference now is that H is NOT the perfect H that I thought he was. I think the thing about moving that scares me abit is the financial reliance on H. But H generally is rather generous…. So, think it would be okay (fingers crossed…) 
Journalling… From my last post: I flew to Country X again on Saturday (29th) and stayed on till Monday (1st May). H called me up and told me that he wanted me to visit the other international school on Monday. So I went. Went on my own….boys did not come along. This time round…told myself that I would not fight or argue with H. Overall, this trip was quite pleasant. Arrived on Saturday, early afternoon. H came to pick me up with the driver. We went to the supermarket to get some groceries and then home… Hung out at home, had s@x and watched some TV together… Cooked dinner and ate at home. H cleaned-up…So, was kinda nice. I am sure he did “retreat” into his shell when he went out for his smokes…but I didn’t ask him nor query him. Didn’t jump on him…just let him be. He seemed “normal” when he joins me back.
Next morning (Sunday)… Went out to an “Electric City”… H wanted to get some speaker stands… but as usual, looked at TVs and stuff. H did make comments like “we need a computer for the house, right?”…..and that “Oh…we need to get the company to include curtains in the new house. It would be quite a lot of money if we were to pay for it ourselves”.
We then went to the mall, we had lunch together..and watched a movie together “The Sentinel”… and then he went for a haircut, and I went off for a hairwash… Went home…watched more TV together… and then went out to a Turkish Restaurant together.. Donned by plunging neckline dress and H was a little surprised.  Had a little too much to drink… and we did touch on ow… but nothing too heavy…. One thing he did say “for the sake of discussion…what would you want for a D?” I answered “X dollars. All in”. And H said “Wow!! That’s more than half”… We talked about other stuff cause I said “okay, don’t want to fight”…. When we got home, I said something like “touch them. It’s real stuff. Unlike your that one. Fake stuff!!” (I was referring to my pair of bo@bs) and H said “what fake stuff? She has no stuff!!” I laughed and said “that’s quite funny…”. Anyway, didn’t stay up long…I was quite zonked out… 
Next morning.. Monday… H set off for work. I was to go to see the school and then meet H for lunch. But there was some major event in town, and H called later to suggest that I shouldn’t come into town as I might get stuck in a jam… So, didn’t see H before I left for home. Anyway, went to see the school, and then went to the spa before I left for the airport.
Tuesday (2nd May) H said that he already submitted all the relevant documents to his company’s HR dept to process the boys’ application to the International School. And I am to liase directly with the HR lady on the status. Told my boss that I would be leaving the company. Timing wise, would depend on the boys’ schooling. Told H that I’ve informed my boss and the first thing he asked is If I could get a job in Country X…No drama today… spoke to H abit before bed (he called)…and did ask him if we would be okay with me NOT having a job…he texted back “Don’t worry. Will be OK”.
Wednesday… Left my mobile at home…so no contact with H the whole day. He did call in the evening. Talked to boys and I did talk to him a bit… he asked me if I showed the school’s brochure to the boys and I told him that I did, and S 81/2 is already choosing his after-school activities. Another quiet day…
Well things to be moving a bit in your situation. You sound really calm about moving. I think if you are doing it for you, then it has to be a good thing. You are right, then you will know you have done all you could do.
Although personally I think Mr Yoyo should crawl on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness
I'm pleased that you have found peace with the arrangements for going to Country X. I think Mr Yoyo definately owes you a year off as a lady of luxury on a foreign posting.
Take all the pampering you can get.
Stay strong
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Your H asking you to move to be with him sure does look like a good sign. From your posts, it has been apparent that he does what he wants to do - so it does seem as if he seems you to be together.
And it does give you a good opportunity to put all that you have learned in practice to show him that your marriage will be different now. So, good for you, and Go, girl!
Kismet, WalkingBack, SohpieL - Thanks for your support fellow Sista Goddesses...One advice that I could give is Do NOT jump into conclusions!!!
Journaling...long post!!
From my last post… everything was going on well on Thursday and Friday (4th/5th May). Calls and texts from H to talk about stuff…. Then Friday evening, I got a call from H and thought that he sounded weird. I sent him a text. Me: U sound weird. R u up to no good? H: No I am not. I am up to partying Me: Ok then… Have fun.
Next thing, got another call from H. Brief convo and he still sounded weird. I didn’t feel at ease at all. Call ended quite quickly. I then thought of something to ask of H, and I sent him a text…. And I couldn’t contact him. The message was pending for a long time. I called him, but could not contact him at all. This time was also the “normal” flight time that H normally takes on his stealth visits back to our home country to see ow, while lying to me that he is still in Country X. So, I jumped to conclusion that he was on his way back to see ow and not even wanting to see the boys (he hasn’t seen boys for about 3 weeks to date). I started crying and thinking all sorts of negatives. Bombarded H with text messages of “lying to me. We are no match to her. Don’t want to play games. Why ask us to go to Country X? Did you really submit school application? Will give you D..blah blah blah” …I turned my mobile off and was on my house phone sobbing to my SIL. H tried to call me but couldn’t and he called my mom on her mobile. I knew about this because my mom called my domestic helper when she couldn’t contact me. Was a lot of ding-dong of phone calls.. When I turned my mobile on, H tried to call and I just ignored them. Then he sent me a text “Can you please answer my calls?” Lots of text messages exchanged between us …didn’t talk to him…so NO shouting matches over the phone. In some of his texts: - I am in some bar with no coverage OK?? - I am in Country X, and not home. This time I am going to say Check my passport! When are you going to believe me? H did finally call the house phone but I didn’t talk to him. S6 spoke to him though. Somehow…I calmed down, he calmed down… and our text messages became more of stuff about other things.
Next day, Saturday…Some text exchanges Me: Sorry that I over-reacted yesterday. Blah blah blah. H: It’s these outburst that p!sses me off!! Blah blah blah Me: Well, if you don’t make any stealth visits back, I would guarantee that the outburst would stop. H: No time for stealth visits. I will give you HR lady’s number. You can contact her directly. I didn’t reply to this…
Anyway, did feel better on Saturday. Went for my Yoga class, took boys to watch MI3 and then to their badminton coaching… Did have a few teleconversations with H.
Sunday.. Was better… Took boys out for brunch with my girlfriend. Shopped a little and then had coffee in the afternoon with another girlfriend. She is the wife of H’s coworker based in our home country. The convo with her is quite “promising” because the first thing she said was “hey…I heard that you are moving to Country X”. …and I guessed H must have told her hubby. Later that evening… did have a short teleconversation with H…
Monday (8th May) Traveled to out-of-town office for work. Will be here for the next few weeks. Had some text exchanges with H in the afternoon. Said that he can’t come back home for the next few weeks due to work load and renewal of his passport etc etc. Told him it’s okay…and asked if he could come back for the Treasure Hunt at the end of the month. He said won’t be a problem blah blah blah…. Later that night.. tele-con and text exchanges and had phone s@x before bed.
Tuesday (9th May) Quite a good day… had text exchanges with H about the Treasure Hunt, me taking the boys over to Country X in early June etc. He also called me to talk to me… One thing that H said is that he is applying for a position in our home country. It’s a higher position… I can’t help but wonder…”will he continue to see ow if he works back in our home country?” Anyway, I did ask “should I tell the teachers and my boss then?’ H replied “no no no. Do according to plan to move here. This job is a long shot.”…. It would be good for H career-wise and we don’t have to move to Country X…but I feel uncomfortable for H to move back home when our M is still not really fixed, and access to ow is easy. … Won’t know outcome of the local job till about 2 weeks later…. But then…this is not within my control…. Will leave it to Almighty God to decide our fate…
Anyway, we had some humorous text exchanges in the afternoon… also asked if I could fly over to Country X for s@x this weekend…Unfortunately, can’t…got to work...and then later in the evening H called me but my phone ran out of battery. SO didn’t talk at all… when I got back to the hotel, I sent him a short text…then H called and he was with an old coworker whom I knew too…so he passed the phone to me. Had a short chat with this friend and then back to H.
I was having dinner with my coworkers, and received more texts from H. We exchanged some texts and H called. We chatted, laughed and giggled. Walked back to the hotel…more text exchanges, and we had phone s@x again…
Today, Wednesday No contact from H yet… but then, I was away from my mobile…so don’t know and haven’t check my phone yet….
So far, I have not really “asked” if ow is still in the picture…. And because it has not been asked again, it has not been brought up by H. So, I really don’t know if she still is. But H has been calling me more often, and we have had more contacts. Still planning to move to Country X in a few months. H says he will join in the Treasure Hunt end of the month… We are making plans to visit Country Xtogether with MIL in early June for a few days…
I don’t know… am I actually piecing with my H? Or am I in some la-la land too??
Have not been journalling for awhile...has been really busy at work in the out-of-town office.
So far, H has been calling me every day just to see how things are with me... We have had some other teleconversations that were on the fun side..about my coworkers' antics, his golfing etc etc. H was having thoughts of us (only 2 of us without the boys) go away during the first week of june, and were contemplating here and there... Changing his mind on all sorts of stuff. Really in a mid-life crisis??? Just is indecisivenss was not him. Anywya, we had another session of phone s@x on Monday (15th). Was quite fun.. Can't really remember much from my last post but...
Tuesday Had a funny text from H today... If I am right, he sounded a little "jealous" about my new american colleague... he he he.. a little flirtation to make H jealous is great, I have to say...
Also called me to tell me to stick to our original schedule (i.e. bring boys over to COuntry X during the school holidays)... my mom will also go over to Country X for a few days (to help babysit the boys while I go to work for two days - Yup..have some business to attend to in Country X).
Yesterday (Wednesday) Did receive a CC email from H to his HR dept lady and the International School Admin Person with regards to boys' entrance to the school. So... I guessed he did really do the paperwork to the school. We had a short chat at night before I went to bed.
This morning (Thursday - 18th) H tried to call me early in the morning ~ 9 am but I didn't have my phone with me. Then he tried again at 11 am. Again, I was not near my mobile. I did text him when I saw the missed calls... and he called me immediately back. Nothing much, just to tell me that he is playing golf with some coworkers and that he is playing badly. Oh well.. I tried to sound interested... (a 180?? normally, I would have said "why are you playing golf on a work day???) I am trying to change my "old" ways and be interested and be appreciative of him wanting to inform me of things. Be appreciative of little little things. Think I was kinda critical a LOT of things pre-bomb. Learning to have FUN in everything rather than ANALYZE and see the flaws etc etc.
H texted a couple of times on Thursday (18th) and pestered me to go to Country X over the weekend. I relented, and did buy a ticket to Country X. So, off I went flying down on Saturday morning, and return on Sunday evening. All in all, was a quite productive trip. We looked at 4 houses, watched "Da Vinci Code", have s@x a few times... He did say a lot of "positive" stuff like changing the current car to a "family model", buying a computer for the house... he did talk to his friend and many times mentioned "my wife is here... blah blah blah" or to the realtor/agent that "my wife will see what needs to be done to the house"... and kept on asking me "do you like the house?" The down side was that we had about a ten minute bust-up on Sunday morning, when I got a little emotional over a movie which depicted a H having and A with his masseuse. That upset me, which in turn upset H... So there was a screaming match and me crying for about 10 minutes..Thing was that he said that ow will always be his friend blah blah blah. I said "so, are you saying that we are ALL gonna sit down for dinner??" blah blah blah. There was a lot of stupid and hurting talk. But then we sort of got back into "okay" terms rather quickly too... was kinda stupid.. H said "so, do you want to continue the movie, or not?" and I just quietly took my seat next to him to continue the movie. I know..silly...
Anyway,.... now he says that he may not be back for the treasure hunt. Not gonna bug him about it anymore. Just see how it goes..
I said "so, are you saying that we are ALL gonna sit down for dinner??"
It is inappropriate for either H or W to have a "friend" who is not friends with both H and W, who is not a friend to your M. Now, I don't mean they have to be buddy-buddy. *So what* if H isn't that keen on your best friend from highschool and would rather go shoot pool when she drops by to visit you. That isn't a problem. It IS a problem if your old best friend tries to get you to pick up guys with her, if she doesn't act like a friend to the M. One good test is that it should be fine to invite any "friend" to dinner, or to a party.
I doubt that is the case with OW. Ergo, their R remains inappropriate.
Your H just doesn't want to admit to himself about the real content of his A. By holding onto the idea that they will "always be friends" and really cared about each other so much, he gets to feel a bit better about himself.
So, if they are "always going to be friends" I suggest you surprise him and embrace it. Simply say, well, she will have to be a friend to our M for that to work for me. Let's have her and a date over for dinner next week. And, mean it.
I seriously doubt that anything will come from it. But, at least you won't be coming between him and OW anymore. If it makes any sense, your jealousy here helps him maintain his romantic vision of his A. But, if you accept what he tells you at face value -- it is completely over and they are just friends -- and act accordingly, then he is going to have to get more realistic with himself.
