Dear all... Thanks for checking up on me. Things have been a real roller coaster since my last posting.
Yes, was back on the DBING bandwagon for most days last week. I travelled to Thailand for work from Tues to Thurs. H did call/ text me whilst I was there. Things seems alright in the surface. I did bring up (via text message) about his December trip to Thailand with her. He replied back saying "I didn't bring her there. She was there for work and I was en-route to Copenhagen". Of course I knew it was a load of crock.... Anyway, we still had our teleconvos AS-IF nothing is wrong. One thing he said "I won't be back this weekend...might as well save the money since you guys are coming over next week blah blah blah". Low and behold... Friday comes...and still the normal text and phone calls from H. But I had a sneaky feeling that he was coming back. Called him and went to voicemail... sent him text messages which didn't get delivered. But at about 9.50 pm, all messages were delivered... Yes, this is circumstantial but it is the flight that we normally take to come back. Flight arrives at 9.30 pm. And you get to the gate around 9.50 pm... and that's when he turn on his mobile. I of course got upset.. A whole slew of text messages and phone calls ensued. Ended up shouting at each other over the phone. He said "okay, it's the end of us. I will come and tell the boys tomorrow and You wait for my letter. "... Then about half an hour later, got text messages from him...he had calmed down I guessed... - Are you ok now? - Just calm down, and all will be well tomorrow. Pls?? - Ok..now that I have calmed down..here's my plans. I'm gonna tell her soon as boys are taking it badly. So..just let me do it. Can??
Saturday... Went out brunch with girlfriend...got a few text messages from H "Am I supposed to see you today/tmrw? Since you said that you didn't want to have contact till next weekend". Me: Just let me know what time you want to come and tell the boys, and I will inform my mom to come over to help calm the boys down. Also, don't think that I will come over to Country X next week. No point after today's event. H: We are not telling the boys anyting and U are coming over next week.
I ignored his text. Later,...got a call at home. I was napping. So told him to call later as boys were upstairs and I was lazy to get them. Not long later, H called again.. told me to open to front door. Yup..he was outside of the house. And this is scary but i knew he did come back the day before...So, he did spend a night with ow. *sigh*... Anyway, we argued and did have s@x and argued some more. And again, he said "I said leave things as it is. If you can't, then just take it that it's the end, and I'll send you the papers"...blah blah blah.. Anyway, we did have dinner together with the boys. Then he went out for drinks with his ex-coworkers. Came back...we had a little chat. Argued alittle, joked a little. Somehow... I said "Knowing you? Wait for the papers? Papers will never come" to which he laughed. Next morning..somehow..don't know what happened....argued and made up again. He said "maybe the next time I come back, we'll go counselling together." to which I replied that it would difficult if there is still another person in the marriage. Anyway, had another session before I took him to the station. Did ask him again in the car ride if he knows what he wants. He said "Yes. I do. I just need time to sort it out". Had a half-hearted hug before he left. The time I took him to the station is toooo early for his flight...so, I guessed he met up with ow again. YES...@ssuming but think it is true. I am toooo smart for my own good. ANyway, I met up with some old girlfriends for tea and dinner. Did get a text from H "Am I gonna confuse you if I call you and ask how u r?
Anyway, we did have some text exchanges before I went to bed. The last text that I sent was "You don't have to reply to this text...Just want to say that I love you...". He did reply with "I do too... nite nite".
So, it has been a real roller coaster ride the last few days....and end up at the same spot. H may be still lying to her, lying to me...I don't know. I find that there is really nothing much I can do other than being patient, tolerant and continue to DBING.... I mean I don't want to be the one to present the papers, neither do I want to present my H as a gift to ow. I've tried the silent treatment with H but just can't sustain it on my part. So, the only way is to perservere with this DBING and see what happens. *sigh*... It's a long long road.
On hindsight...I should have said "Okay...let's go see a counsellor"...and let the counsellor advise him as to how to go about the right direction. Anyway, it is too late now. So, will see what happens. Really need to take one step at a time.
My current focus... * To not bring up ow again!!! * Focus on ME! * Focus on the boys! * Focus on US! * Act AS-IF Will be spending about 5 days in Country X. So hopefully, will AVOID making a mess of our sitch.
On hindsight...I should have said "Okay...let's go see a counsellor"...Anyway, it is too late now
Yoyo: I don't think it's too late. If H is serious about this tell H that you gave it some thought and think it would be a good idea to start some counseling.
What I don't undestand about Mr. Yoyo, is why he keeps telling you he will be telling OW soon, but soon never arrives? I know, I know, I know...this is just one of the maneuvers that WAS use in order to keep both. I've heard the same thing from my H.
Keep the chin up, hopefully the five days in country X will give you some distance from your sitch.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Anyway, had another session before I took him to the station. Did ask him again in the car ride if he knows what he wants. He said "Yes. I do. I just need time to sort it out".
How much time does Mr Yoyo need? Why do these skanky ows have such a hold over them?
It amazes me that you are able to still keep it together esp. knowing he is still lying and seeing ow.
I do agree with kaydeekay, maybe put the onus on wah that if he means what he says the first step would be some counselling. Any DBing counsellors over there?
KDK/Kismet/Hellkat - Hiya. Thanks for checking up on me. I know it is soooooo tiring to keep hearing that he is sorting it out soon. And the same question crops up. How soon is soon? Did ask him "I am gonna have to wait till you are 70, am I? When you are old and grey and aching here and there and needing someone to take care of you???". Another time I asked "When? Till I am 50?". Idiot replied "Nope, nope 50. Maybe 45?" Gawd!! The nerve of him??? Really don't know what the skanks have...
Anyway, will try to see how the "conselling" bit goes. I will sort of subtly bring it up when I am over in Country X.
eep the chin up, hopefully the five days in country X will give you some distance from your sitch Not distance..more of plunging into the sitch!!!
knowing he is still lying and seeing ow. This part is quite difficult I have to say....
Any DBing counsellors over there? Absolutely none, unfortunately...have to see where I could find a pro-marriage counsellor.
except chin up Yes I am. Yes I am...
Journalling... Tuesday... Some teleconvo with H. Nothing much except about our financials and his temp position blah blah blah. Then I had a chat with a girlfriend. SOmewhat the idea of H telling that "he will sort it out" is just to keep ppl mouth's shut. Don't know why...but I texted him. H: In a way, it's true...but I also hope to resolve the matter eitehr way. Now go to sleep. I am working. Me: So all this while, you were bullshitting me?? You don't wanna tell the boys and you don't wanna give her up. We are gonna be stuck in this sitch for how long?
Then H called. We had a convo about this. SOme of our convo..not in order. H: It's not bullshit. It's real [censored]!!! Either way, I will resolve this one way or other. I will do it soon. Me: How soon is soon? H: Maybe a few weeks to a month.. Me: You see?? You asked for more and more time. How much time??? H: I said I will sort it out. Either this way or that, I will sort it out soon. Me: You keep giving me false hope and promises. At this moment, you still undecided. Aren't you? H: As I said, for all intent and purposes, it's over between us and you wait for the papers. Me: Then I won't be going over on Saturday then. H: No. No..you are coming over. Me: If I am waiting for papers..why would I want to come over?? H: I ask you to act like it's over between us. Not FEEL it. Me: Huh? Anyway, if it's the end of us. Then we have to stop talking with each other ...unless its about the boys. H: Yeah. If that's what you want. I won't contact you until either I've sort it out with her or I send you the papers. ...You are still coming over right? Me: Makes no sense. Anyway, your friend gave me a lawyer's number. Says she's pretty good. SHe charges $$$ though. Think I will go talk to her. H: No. No...don't waste the money. You only talk to her when you receive my letter. Besides, I don't have any lawyer now. Err...you still coming over this Saturday, right?
Basically, our convo was all over the place. More of a jokey way. SOmetimes I think we are such a weird weird couple!!!! The last thing I said to him was to go find a masseuse that makes house calls while I am there. Again...we do have a weird R.
H: As I said, for all intent and purposes, it's over between us and you wait for the papers. Me: Then I won't be going over on Saturday then. H: No. No..you are coming over. Me: If I am waiting for papers..why would I want to come over?? H: I ask you to act like it's over between us. Not FEEL it..
what in the world did that mean??????? it's over so wait for the papers......but dont feel it. why do they like to use such double talk
well you certainly have a possitive attitude which I admire girly - and for your sake I hope 'soon' is soon enough cos you deserve it!
I know you've probably heard this a million times over but it sounds like H wants to have his cake and eat it too. What do you think would happen if you didn't show up on Saturday? I know you probably think H will have skank over since you won't be going. So be it. How about going dark? No contact with him whatsoever, unless of course it's about the boys. I think he will continue to do this going between you and ow as long as he can. Evidently he's lying to you and ow. I just don't understand how WAS can keep up this charade.
I'm with Hellkat. What does he mean when he said As I said, for all intent and purposes, it's over between us and you wait for the papers. Does he want you to pretend it's over so you'll move on, or does he want you to think that it's over so he'll be guilt free to continue with ow? Who knows, right?
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
hellkat/kdk - Hiya gals...really don't know what he is doing or thinking... As it is, since our last teleconvo on Tuesday night, he has'nt called to speak to me. He is going DARK on me . I didn't contact him either. Wanted to but stopped short of dialing... I know he is fine though, cause he did call last night to speak to the boys. So, what's with his head? I really don't know. He may with ow these few days, he may be nursing his little heart...who knows??? Don't wanna call and ask him...cause I will either get lies or get shouted at. Might as well just continue to plod along over here....
what in the world did that mean??????? it's over so wait for the papers......but dont feel it. why do they like to use such double talk I don't know...really. Maybe for me to NOT expect hope for our M, and prepare for the worst...and VOILA! He comes back to the family CLEAN?? I really don't know. Will see what happens when I get to COuntry X tomorrw.
well you certainly have a positive attitude which I admire girly - and for your sake I hope 'soon' is soon enough cos you deserve it "soon" is different for different people. Unfortunately, for my husband,..soon is like ages to me!!!
What do you think would happen if you didn't show up on Saturday? I did think about that...but the boys are SOOOOO excited about going over tmrw. Absolutely cannot disappoint them. Plus I think I want to confuse him more. He he he.. I will be soooo nice to him so that he will feel a void after we leave. But hope I can stick to my plan though. My plan always go haywire.
Wanna share this with fellow DBers.....took this off from the "Affair Recovery Times, March 2006"....quite funny and of course applicable.
I Don’t Think We’re in Kansas When it comes to affairs or sexual addiction, this statement couldn't be more true. Dorothy's life was a life of mediocrity. There was little or no color to her existence at the homestead, and she felt constrained by life's hardships and by those who had charge of her life. She believed that no one understood her. In frustration, she tried to leave, only to find herself directly in the path of an ominous tornado that sent her helplessly spinning into a strange new land of fantasy. Unlike her old life, this new life was painted with vibrant colors and was full of song. Furthermore, Dorothy was no longer alone. She found a strange troupe of friends leading the way: a scarecrow that lacked brains, a tin man missing his heart, and a lion with no courage. This motley crew committed their lives to assisting young Dorothy and her dog Toto in her search for the Wizard of Oz. Interestingly, flying monkeys, wicked witches, and deception left Dorothy pining away for the very thing from which she had tried to run. She just wanted to be home again where she belonged. I wonder if the author of the Wizard of Oz might not have been writing about some pitiful person trapped in an affair? How often do these indiscretions begin with feelings of mediocrity, or a desire to feel alive and understood, free from the constraints of life's responsibilities and no longer alone? And like Dorothy, the ambivalence generated by life's circumstances and frustrations often results in finding oneself in the wrong place at the wrong time. Catapulted into a strange new fantasyland, the individual is left to wrestle with what to do. Only then, they end up operating with a series of handicaps. Like Dorothy's team, they have no brain, no heart, and no courage.
How do you decide what to do when somebody has lost their brain? If you've ever observed someone in an affair, it is apparent they are operating a few cards short of a full deck. They lose the ability to make even the most simplistic decisions. I have seen successful men and women in extremely influential positions transformed into inept and incompetent individuals who seem incapable of making a rational decision. They become willing to jeopardize career, family, and future for this momentary pleasure. If the behavior of being “in love” were not socially acceptable, they would be certifiably insane.
There's more but kinda long...but don't you think this really applies to our WAS???
before I took him to the station. Did ask him again in the car ride if he knows what he wants. He said "Yes. I do. I just need time to sort it out". Had a half-hearted hug before he left. The time I took him to the station is toooo early for his flight...so, I guessed he met up with ow again. 
