Quote: Try and get out a bit as well without your W.. Let her see you are happy to have a life without her..I think this is really important...
I think you are very correct. I am NOT doing that at all. It makes me look dependent. Gotta get out.
I still think she's living in this fantasy that she can 'practice' on me till she feels 'comfortable' with herself being around a man and not 'losing herself'. Then she expects to be able to 'move on'. That's very weird thinking. But then again, I am her best man friend.
I still think she's living in this fantasy that she can 'practice' on me till she feels 'comfortable' with herself being around a man and not 'losing herself'. Then she expects to be able to 'move on'. That's very weird thinking. But then again, I am her best man friend
Frank, that's crap and you know it. If she were the kind of person who could "practice" with you and after all that "practice", i.e. loving expression, just move on, then she's not the woman you want. This exercise your C has got her doing should either bring her back to you, or move you away from her, either of which would be good in the grand scheme of things. I suppose honestly, I just see so much positive in all this that I am a bit blinded by it. I know you are not, but take care to set the filter aside every once in awhile and get the full experience. When you're done, reapply filter...rinse and repeat.
Kind of like you're a guinea pig and that's very disrespectful. Keep your eyes open. If she gets away with too much.....well, just don't be so accomodating that she no longer respects you.
Be careful. Something has the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.
Frank, that's crap and you know it. If she were the kind of person who could "practice" with you and after all that "practice", i.e. loving expression, just move on, then she's not the woman you want. This exercise your C has got her doing should either bring her back to you, or move you away from her, either of which would be good in the grand scheme of things.
Since I know our Counselor is extrememly intuitive, I am inclined to agree with you. She has set this up to make a new relationship with us 'possible'. Either I'll get tired of the game, or she'll find out she's having real feelings for me and things will change.
Quote: AmyC:
I have a weird feeling here Frank.
Kind of like you're a guinea pig and that's very disrespectful. Keep your eyes open. If she gets away with too much.....well, just don't be so accomodating that she no longer respects you.
Something has the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.
And I agree with you Amy. I have done NOTHING to change my behavior since she talked to me last nite. I feel it is still important for me to command respect like I have been doing. In some ways I think W DOESN'T want me to change my behavior and start initiating things because it would make her feel that I have become NEEDY again. I think this is another 'test'.
I'm going to stick with what my counselor told me last time: FOr every 9 times she reaches out to me with a hug, kiss, whatever, I can reach out to her (initiate a hug, kiss, whatever). As long as I am the one who is restrained she is still pursuing ME.
Grasshopper's right still, I can "set the filter aside every once in awhile and get the full experience."
And in the past 20 years, she has never been a woman who could just 'use' someone. I truly believe she wants to love me but is scared it would be a big mistake. All these 'accomadations' that she's making because Counselor says they are 'ok' to do are really ways for her to 'try out' a relationship with me but have an escape hatch if she needs it.
Remember, we had a long time where our marriage hurt her a lot. She's gun shy. I'm cautious. And so it goes...
Quote: It's a wobbly fence to straddle, Frank. As always you do it, though. And the rest of us watch and learn.
And I get a little crazier each day...
Tonite we sat on the couch and did the 'put your head on my lap and I'll rub your head' thing again. Of course we do these things after the kids have gone to bed. Can't get CAUGHT you know!
I stroked her hair and she sighed with contentment until she fell asleep on my lap. It was around midnite and she said sleepily 'I have to go to bed, I'm so tired'. Then she got up slowly, kissed me on top of the head and went to her room.
It's that part of it that I have such a hard time with, the emotional disconnect after making an 'intimate connection' like we just did.
But I have read others experiences on this board, the backrubs, spooning and other little 'intimacys' they have shared, only to be followed by detachment.
Some found their way back, some got more distant.
I'm still staying semi-detached. Not 'initiating' anything even though she gave me 'approval' to do that last nite. I still think that's the smarter thing to do. Let her pursue me, and not BE pursued by me. I think the more she is challenged, the more she will want me.
We'll see, as long as I don't get tired of this. She's going over her friends to stay overnite tomorrow and won't be back till Sunday afternoon. This is the friend who thought OM was hot, and who also gave her the brownies. Wonder what she thinks of OM now?
Either way W will not see me tomorrow nite. I wonder how that will feel for her?
Quote: I truly believe she wants to love me but is scared it would be a big mistake.
You know,....she probably does not even realize that she loves you "like that" just yet. It will hit her like a ton of bricks one day.
I mean, when we fell in love to begin with, not many of us had the whole "love at first site" experience, for most of us, it took a few weeks, months or even years before we realized we were in love. She THOUGHT she was in love with OM, and she couldn't have been more wrong, so she is gonna be leary of the whole love thing right now, after all, she probably feels she would look like a fool for "falling in love" so often.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Quote: You know,....she probably does not even realize that she loves you "like that" just yet. It will hit her like a ton of bricks one day.
She sure seems like she can keep it 'in check' really well. But I do see glimpses of it. At the very least I see caring and nurturing.
Quote: I mean, when we fell in love to begin with, not many of us had the whole "love at first site" experience, for most of us, it took a few weeks, months or even years before we realized we were in love. She THOUGHT she was in love with OM, and she couldn't have been more wrong, so she is gonna be leary of the whole love thing right now, after all, she probably feels she would look like a fool for "falling in love" so often.
I totally agree with you. I NEVER had the 'love at first sight' exeperience. And I know she is fearful of making a mstake again. I guess I'll stay patient. Thanks Becca
I think you have done a wonderful and very patient job with your W... I think you have become a 'rock' for her, that she is starting to realise she needs and relies on.... BUT rocks are not V exciting!!! I think that is the problem at the moment in getting her to move forwards with you... she still thinks these is something else more exciting out there... You need to carry on what you are doing BUT stop being there for her all the time... Create a bit of mystery with yourself. Take yourself out for the evening.... let her start to wonder where you are going and what you are doing....
I can say this to you Frank becuase I am in the exact situ with my H... He now realises he still loves me and needs me in his life - he has told me that, BUT he just will not comit back to me 100%. and why? becuase he still thinks he will miss out on something and that there is something more exciting out there... So that is exactly what i am doing now - I am still being very nice to him, but i am not ringing him as much, I do not tell him where I am and what i am doing all the time and I have started going out alot more without him...
Your W and my H need to see that we are happy and exciting people to be around, and more importantly that we can be happy without them.. they need to see that we dont NEED them.. We would like and desire them but we dont NEED them... Start making your W think abit. she obviously relies on your being around now so just go off 1 night next week, and tell her you meeting a friend.... It will work!!!
