This morning wife was in the doldrums.... Didn't want to do anything but just lie on the couch being pouty and feel sorry for herself. Even though I was not in the best of spirits either I pulled my self up and then got her motivated, and we went for an hour and a half hike together.
During the hike she talked a little about 'what are WE?' meaning what is our 'relationship' we have right now. I know she did NOT want to hear 'two people working on their marriage' so I said 'we are two people who care about each other spending time helping each other grow". I also said "we are not the same two people that existed say, 6 months or a year ago, so we're each getting to know the new 'us'." Her opinion was that she just doesn't "know" what is going on between us, but is taking it day by day.
She also told me that she thought that if we had never gotten married, but had just 'lived together' then she probably wouldn't have 'lost herself' in the marriage because that was what she thought marriage was - becoming dependent on the other person for your happiness.
I told her that was simply not true - that I have read a lot of books on marriage and relationships so I don't make the same mistakes again, and that in a healthy marriage each person gives love, and is also independent and able to live without 'needing' the other person to fill their 'cup'".
I told her that nobody should need someone to fill their cup. She said that I fill her cup all the time and I pointed out that I DO NOT fill it all the time, only sometimes and only when she neads support. There's a big difference between NEEDING someone in order to keep your cup filled and needing SUPPORT sometimes to help fill it. I then went on to say that as long as she is around ME I will not become the person who keeps her cup filled. I said that I don't want to be in a relationship like that with ANYBODY because it's unhealthy for me and for her.
She brought up another topic, wondering "if she'll ever meet somebody that will return my love the same way I give it to them". I asked her what she meant and she explained that she gives so much love to others, and wants a man who will mirror it back to her, who wants to feel love on a deeper level.
I was kind of thinking that she was feeling the downer from the mistake of OM, and how she basically gave her whole 'self' to him and didn't get the same feelings in return. She knows now that by doing that she became emotionally dependent on him and now she says she doesn't trust her ability to tell when someone is not going to be healthy like he was.
So I told her that I give her love, but she looked away from me and said it wasn't the same. She obviously wants that "In Love Feeling" and for it to be reciprocated. And she doesn't see me as an option - meaning she will not 'feel' those feelings for me.
And that's where the dilemma is for me. I would love nothing more than to show her that I am in love with her. But the circumstances prevent me from doing that because she is not in a place where she is ready or willing to hear that from me without feeling like she has to run away.
Instead I am forced to mantain a neutral, caring and strong 'attitude' without 'giving away' the fact that I love her so much. I am 'just a friend'. It's very disillusioning sometimes. I mean, we have our moments of comforting closeness, sex or just 'knowing looks'. Then later we're talking about her 'meeting a man someday who will be the 'right kind' that fulfills her emotional needs. It sucks.
This is such a challenge to me to maintain the level emotional state. Especially when she gives me the comments that imply she is 'looking for someone else'. I can't let them affect me but they do. I just don't show it.
I don't think anyone else on the board here has a situation where their wife constantly implies that 'they aren't the man for them', yet looks to them to support her emotionally.
Anyone?
Well the upsides are still that she lives in the house, we share intimacy through sex or other cuddle time we spend together occaisionally, and she doesn't really have a social life where she might meet other men.
He new business isn't doing great, but it's just started so there's no reason to think it won't grow. That doesn't help her self esteem much. At least she is making enough money to pay her personal bills so that gives her some positive feelings. I keep giving her supportive input of course.
So, I'm feeling a little down, feeling not loved and like "I'll do till someone better comes along". That's so far from 6 months ago where I felt loved, and like I would never lose her. I know I must count my blessings and be happy with , them so I will.
I wish I could tell her I love her so much. I wish she would just ask me. But I know it has to come from her first.
