A simple thing I have been thinking lately is that we spend so much time, after we find ourselves in these situations, trying to figure out how this or that fits in with what we know. We try to analyze what everything means. We do all that and lose sight that we are just men and women interacting with each other and the results can be very unpredictable. I have spent so much time thinking of the right things to say and do, it seems almost too easy to just say and do what I want to do and would do if I were trying to attract a woman to me. Isn't that what it's all about after we strip away all the other garbage? Isn't that what we all want? We want to be attracted to, and attractive to our spouses on a physical and emotional level. I think that's what we all sense with your sitch Frank. You and your W are becoming attractive to each other again. Will it be enough? Who knows but it is where it HAS to start, don't you think?
I'm gonna repeat someting my C said to me. I had commented that I wanted to get on wtih fixing our marriage and she said "but you ARE fixing your marriage right now". You don't always need a verbal recommittment from the other person. You are married, you are living in the same house and right now you are having somewhat of a loving relationship. Why not just relax a little and enjoy it? You ARE fixing your marriage right now. One day she is gonna get up off of that pull out be and the lightbulb is gonna pop on and she is gonna think to herself "wow, i have such a great marriage, why did I ever think I wanted out of it/"
I don't know if I explained it in a way that you understand but the point is, you don't have to wait to fix your marriage, you are fixing it right now. Hold onto that and take each day one day at a time.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Grasshopper, you're right. I want her to be 'in love' and say so but it's all about 're-attracting her'. What hurts or pisses me off the most is that she could meet some jerk in Hawaii and be 'totally in love' in a matter of hours, yet I've been with her for 20 years and she still thinks she can't be in love with me but it's OK to 'play house'.
It doesn't seem fair. I'm the one who did the work and of course I'm impatient, and there is still no commitment to even TRY to work on the marriage, she still talks 'as if' we are getting divorced.
Becca, your explanation is very clear. Even though there is no VERBAL commitment she is working on 'something' with me.
I hope that day she gets out of that pull out bed and says "Wow I have such a great marriage, why would I ever want to get out of it" comes sooner rather than later. I still live with the 'threat' of divorce over my head, yet I get the 'affection' of a live in girlfriend. This game is hard to play sometimes.
Part of this is that I look at her words of 'divorce' and think that she's comfortable with me until someone better comes along. Not very encouraging.
But, you're right. The more time we spend together, the more she will become 'attached' to me and less attached to being 'single'.
And it is up to you to treat her so well that no guy can ever compare. After her dashing disappointment with OM, I doubt she will try it again anytime soon. Some people are gonna push the boundaries no matter what. Only extensive counseling will help then.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
I think you are confusing something. I do understand your anger towards your wife and her ability to love in just 2 hours. But check this,
God for bid anything terrible should happen to you but what and how much love do you think you would get. I would gather you would get the kind of love that says nothing is going to hurt you and I am here to the end.
you have to much man hood to make comments like that in my opinion and like I have needed it in the past, as you do now.
I think the alien got the best of you on that one.
Quote: And it is up to you to treat her so well that no guy can ever compare. After her dashing disappointment with OM, I doubt she will try it again anytime soon.
Very true. Here's an interesting thing today. I came home around 5 from my office and she....
Comes and stands behind me, and puts her arm around me for a minute.
Tells me she's feeling sad and really needs some love. So we go in her room and close the door (can't let the kids see) and lie on her bed while I hold her. She cries for a minute but mostly just wants to be comforted.
Later she tells me she's had 'too much time to think' today and is upset because she doesn't trust herself when it comes to picking relationships and she doesn't know WHEN she will ever try another one. (Ouch, that hurt since she's talking about OM). She wouldn't talk any more about it.
ok, later at about 8:30 she actually comes up behind me and puts her arms around my waist and comments on how thinner I have gotten while holding on to me.
An hour later when D10 is put to bed we sit on the couch, she lies on my side and I hold her while we watch TV (it's ok, unlikely the kids will catch us) very comfy cozy partly because I have a nice fire in the fireplace too.
11:30 the last show ends and it's time for bed. While I'm waiting for her to get herself together I'm watching the fire. She comes up behind me and throws her arms around mmy neck, holding me tight for a few minutes with her head on my shoulder.
Then it's "Good Nite Frank" and she scoots into her room. I go to my room, where I am typing this.
So, what the hell does this all mean??? The girl is nuts. I think she wants me to dominate the interactions. So I kissed her 3 times when the opportunity presented itself. She didn;t resist and kissed back.
Quote: God for bid anything terrible should happen to you but what and how much love do you think you would get. I would gather you would get the kind of love that says nothing is going to hurt you and I am here to the end.
I believe that I would get that love as you say, it's IN THERE.
Quote: you have to much man hood to make comments like that in my opinion and like I have needed it in the past, as you do now.
You are correct. I was just venting. I'm good right now.
Quote: I think the alien got the best of you on that one.
Your W, like mine and most other WAW's relished the freedom from the pressures of her marriage and especially YOU that her A provided. Well, two things have changed. First and foremost, YOU have changed into someone who does not need to put pressure on someone else. You are a self-contained unit of happiness. You control your own emotions and let hers be free to exist. Tied into that is the fact that in her mind, since accepting the D as the ultimate outcome to all this, she is now free from pressure altogether even in the marriage she felt so trapped by. Since she clearly sees the D as a "get out of jail free card", she is just being a free woman, attracted to a free man. I think her actions show that she maybe recognizes this for herself and is afraid that if that divorce door is closed, then she will go back to being trapped. That would be why she keeps mentioning the divorce every once and awhile. She needs to remind everyone (you and her) that no matter how comfortable things get, her escape pod is still there and ready to launch her back into space the moment she starts feeling that old trapped feeling. Well, Frank, the good news is that she will never feel that feeling because of YOU again so unless she manufactures it in her own head, which is very possible still, she may continue to go down this road longer than she expects. She might end up where you are; a place with many roads and true freedom.
I don't know if any of this is the truth, but it is one theory that seems to fit your situation.
I really do beleive you are just having an impatient relapse... I think it happens to us all often... We try so hard for so long and then some days we look at situ and think - when is this going to come to an end...
I really would try and stay positive by the good things your W is doing... I dont think you are being a doormat at all, but if you are struggling with this thought, then maybe subtly start going out a couple of nights a week without her, with some friends instead... maybe not be around her at home as much as you are.. so she can start to see that you are quite happy getting another life on your own...
BUT I would do these very subtly, as I said before I think your W is slowly coming around and you dont want to upset the apple cart at the moment whilst things are going ok...
Why dont you make a journal with some goals? 1 of your goals could be that your W says she does not want a D anymore - then break it down and down again until you have small manageable pieces... you can then keep a track on how you are progressing
