Quote: I don't know what it is about your thread but even when you're down, I still sense a silver lining all around you. You are blessed.
I am blessed. I would not have made it to this point if it weren't for that.
Yesterday my counselor, who as I said before was a very spiritual woman told me that in general when she goes home for the day she 'forgets' all the things she has talked about with her various clients. It's part of her ability to 'partition' her real life from her clients lives so she doesn't absorb their hurt.
But, she said, "I find myself thinking about you often and the things we talk about." She keeps saying that I'm 'not like other people and I never will be.' That I need to stop running away from who I am. It's a slow self discovery.
I guess my DB story is part DB, part self realization. Maybe that's why I'm here, to share that with you.
I still sometimes sit quietly and think about where I was in October, the despair of my life as it was during the past many years, the hurt of being abandoned by the only person I trusted. Picking myself up and supporting myself, and my W and my kids during all this. Reaching out for help, something very foreign to me.
Where am I now? I'm at the end, and at the beginning.
My life, as it was, is over. That person is gone forever. That marriage is gone forever.
My life, as it is, is now beginning. I know my daughters now, I am learning to know the person who my wife is becoming and she is trying to figure out how I fit into her life now. And, maybe we'll start a new marriage together. Or maybe not. But either way I will be ok.
I'm clear on my mission in life. I'm figuring out how to accomplish it. I have learned how to give, without losing myself. I can support others again.
The other day I told my wife that I wasn't afraid of death, but that I would feel guilty when I die. The reason I would feel guilty is because I know there would be sadness, and I don't want to hurt anybody. So, I'll live as long as I can.
I am only posting on the outside looking in. I hope others will back me up on this. If I am wrong or right????
Frank I think you should back off with the kisses and sex and stuff. Only from the outside looking in I for one AM VERY VERY happy for you but I feel that she needs to come a few more steps to get this from you. Your heart needs this and you I we know it hurts but I think she needs to come a few more. If you go to fast and she freaks youll get crushed.
Other opinions would be great here. Just my thoughts. Way to go Frank. From my heart ot yours I hope these are the steps. Like I said in the beginning you are the [censored]!
ME: I am starting all over. I lost 2 months of time. I told my wife that I basically have not given her anytime to miss me or space and time for to sort things and and for me to GAL and PMA. She basically agreed and basically said how many times have I asked for space and time over the years, maybe 20 marty? You would think you would get it by now!
What can I say, I need to learn a lot. I am trying. I have decided one thing. i am not going to talk to anybody except books on DBing and people on this board. Other people are just a bunch of losers. Including my friends. Sad but true.
Sorry about the long one about me frank.
But back to you. You need to make sure your wife is for real. I think that should take half the time she took to get to today. Kind of like a month for every year. Well I think 2 weeks for every month she was an alien. She needs to be making advances for at least 6 months. And do the 180 times ten. Stop the sex. In my opinion you are not a normal man. You have a love that is not normal. Ina normal relationship the man must love the women more to be successful. But inn your case and maybe mine we might just love them more. They need to love us more. Then and only then can the LOVE keep the alien away.
Can someone back this up or at least tell Frank an opinion that is different. I am just afraid that the alien could come back in a small way and send you spinning Frank which could make things turn for the worst.
And If I have missed something Frank, please advise.
I haven't really posted to your sitch, but I am an admirer. Following you posts over the past month or so has been really helpful. You are truly a unique and compassionate person. I applaud your bravery in facing so much and your willingness to share your experiences with us. Sincerely, I thank you and only wish the best for you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Frank I think you should back off with the kisses and sex and stuff. Only from the outside looking in I for one AM VERY VERY happy for you but I feel that she needs to come a few more steps to get this from you. Your heart needs this and you I we know it hurts but I think she needs to come a few more. If you go to fast and she freaks youll get crushed.....I am just afraid that the alien could come back in a small way and send you spinning Frank which could make things turn for the worst.
Marty, this is by far one of the most caring posts I have received from you. I'm deeply touched.
I agree with your comments. Last nite for example, I went to my room after putting D10 to bed and did not talk to W at all. I have made it a point of being more 'aloof' or at least 'mysteriously distant' yet still present. And, I do everything with her with the ASSUMPTION that the ALIEN is still there.
I'm still fun when we interact, and when she flirts I am 'interested but controlled', kind of 'hard to get'. And yes, it is VERY difficult not to throw myself at her and tell her ILY! Let's get it together here woman! This has been long enough!
She has not said she wants ANYTHING to do with me in any relationship. This is just 'therapy' or getting the 'needs' satisfied. So I always talk to her from that perspective, we're 'comforting' each other. I show her caring, compassion and respect during our encounters. No ILY's or anything that expresses a feeling I have FOR HER. When she has cried I have told her "It's ok, you're safe". I don't ask why she's crying, I only support her. I say nothing else. Of course I do enjoy the 'encounters' and do the 'usual' stuff as far as that's concerned. I let myself be present and inside I feel my love for her and only express it physically and with tenderness. No words. But it's in my eyes.
And, you are right. I am not a normal man. I like that.
Quote: ME: I am starting all over. I lost 2 months of time. I told my wife that I basically have not given her anytime to miss me or space and time for to sort things and and for me to GAL and PMA. She basically agreed and basically said how many times have I asked for space and time over the years, maybe 20 marty? You would think you would get it by now!
She couldn't be any more clear than that! That's pretty lucky for you. At least she wasn't lik emine who basically said "I want a divorce, I'm in love with someone else, He's my soulmate, I have been wanting to leave you for years, it's over so don't try to fix it...'
As far as asking your friends or talking to them about this, well my best friend who is in Connecticut has told me to boot her out, his wife thinks she's a whore and thinks I should grab the kids and get out, protect them from this psychotic woman. When I try to explain concepts such as 'life changes' and 'finding yourself' they think I'm crazy, some kind of pussy for not standing up to her garbage.
It hurts, because I've always been the 'leader type' to them and they can't figure out how I've changed. I've changed because I understand people and true feelings.
But, they love me and they think they are doing me a favor by listening to my whining, and many times I really did need someone to take my side, even though I didn't agree with their view of HER side. I haven't told them about current events because I just haven't figured out HOW. I just tell them OM is gone amd W is hurt by what happened. I owe him $100 since he said OM wouldn't last and bet me it would end before March.
I don't need the support as much now since I'm much more energized after my weekend 'adventure'.
Anyway, back to your W. You're very wise to choose to educate yourself with the books and concepts we talk about here. What we are in is a Psychological and Spiritual situation and has to be approached as such. It's not LOGICAL because if it was, it would be obvious what needed to be do ne to fix it.
And, you already see in your mind the LOGICAL solutions, which you've posted many comments of that type to the board....but they won't work. For me, for you, for anybody.
If you really think about it, what we've been doing in this process is shoring up OUR spirtual and psychological selves so that we NOW understand the true dynamics of long term relationships, and how Men and Womens needs change as they grow in to mature adults. Something we don't learn in school, and apparently didn't see modeled by OUR parents.
So, we've gone back to school and are also coming to realize that WE do not NEED the other person to live our lives. We love them, and we WANT them, but WANT should not become NEED.
And that NEED is the core issue because NEED causes you to attempt to CONTROL.
Reading books helps and is necessary, and you really need to also do the 'work'.
The work is inside you. You know what it is. It's fear, emotional insecurity, emotional needyness. Things you consciously 'know' you DON'T have, but they're there. They're also in your Wife. She doesn't think so either, but they are.
You can do this. It isn't about 'getting your wife back'. If you DO get her 'back' you will fail again. She didn't change. It's about deciding to END a way of living and being in a relationship that didn't work. Then doing the work to learn what YOU want and need to be happy (and it isn't your wife).
When you do that, SHE will change. She HAS TO because she is no longer talking to or loving the same person she left. It's all new.
As that evolved Man, YOU won't want to let her say and do things the 'old way' because it no longer serves you. YOU will lovingly help her to see the better life you prefer to live NOW. And she will be intrigued.
BUT, if she fails to change herself you'll see that also, and you'll want something more. If she can't change with you around you will be able to release her to grow on her own.
I'm waiting to see if my wife will make it since I think I am somewhat ahead of her on this journey.
When you do these things, and evolve YOURSELF, the other things will happen. They have to, it's the law of human nature.
I haven't really posted to your sitch, but I am an admirer. Following you posts over the past month or so has been really helpful. You are truly a unique and compassionate person. I applaud your bravery in facing so much and your willingness to share your experiences with us. Sincerely, I thank you and only wish the best for you.
Thanks for the words of support. I do have to say that sometimes I feel really weird 'baring my soul' because, well, it's weird! And it's risky because part of me thinks 'People will think I'm such a whiner!' But I know I'm not.
There is something that tells me to do this, and that by being so personal when I share, more people will feel like they are not the only ones who feel this way. Maybe it will give someone else hope - not that they will fix their marriage, but that they will be OK regardless. That's where I am right now - OK REGARDLESS.
That's all I hope for. To be able to move forward with my life with dignity, honor and to give unconditional love.
frank, I have been following your sitch from day one. You are through the dark times and are coming into the light. You are going to make it. You are going to start a new R and M with your W...if you want it. You are right to be cautious. Continue what you are doing, it is working. Keep up the good work.
frank, Your W is almost what I pictured her to look like ...I dont know why. You, however, I did not have a picture in my mind for. Your D's are very pretty, and it is obvious that D15's BF is just having some fun . At some point I will get some pics of my family up too.
...I dont know why. You, however, I did not have a picture in my mind for. Your D's are very pretty, and it is obvious that D15's BF is just having some fun 
. At some point I will get some pics of my family up too.
Or did everyone think I was going to be some new age tie dyed hippie? 
What?