Well, D10 blew a fuse again and lost it. Had to be cuddled by mom till about 10:00 or so. D10 was talking about her fears of divorce and stuff related and W was explaining to her that adults sometimes have to go apart so they can grow and that no matter what, she will be loved by both of us. W is still preparing them for divorce as that is still her Mantra.
Then W and I watched some TV till about 11. We both usually go to bed about then and so I went up to my room and read. Of course she went to her room and must have seen the note I left. I waited around about 15 minutes then went and knocked on her door, went in and she was reading the book I left her. Then, the short story is she basically invited me in and the rest is history...
Her fold out bed really does suck so I can see how she hates sleeping in it.
She complained about her bed being so crappy to sleep in again. I offered her the other half of mine but she said that wasn't OK because 'how would the kids take it, we're getting divorced?' We can't be sleeping together.
So, this morning after the kids went to school the topic of last nite came up and she was concerned that we were somehow messing with our heads by 'doing it'. I of course said it wasn't an issue as long as we know where we stand.
Then, to make a long story short we ended up in my (our) bed again. We were much more connected than previous times and she only cried once.
We actually held each other a little too. She had one big emoptional outburst but commented about how little she cried this time and that the 'therapy' must be working. She also said she doesn't know WHY she cries. Later she made a remark that she was not losing weight like she was a few weeks ago and that the more she and I were 'comforting and caring' for each other the more she was getting to go back to being like she was when we were married. Not dieting or taking care of her self.
I pointed out that it's a choice she is making, it's not because of anything happening between us. She is responsible for herself, not me. To blame her actions on me or her relationship with me is wrong and unfair. She didn't say anything about it.
She just does not want to be married. She's afraid that if she does, her life will go back to the way it was. But it's ok to exert her sexual energy with me because that's just an 'encounter' and I'm safe.
So, it's a positive that she will do this, but a negative that she frames it as 'just sex' and that she still sees marriage to be a bad thing because it will cause HER to become the woman she WAS again. She seems to be less afraid that I will change 'back', just that she will.
And, she has not said any 'feeling' words like 'I love you'. But as Counselor said the other day, she feels safe with me otherwise she wouldn't hold me as tightly as she does or even do what she is doing with me. So, it's hard to say what she's feeling or not feeling but it does seem that she is trusting me more.
She's off to see Counselor now so I hope she talks about these issues and gets some good feedback. I do know that as long as I stay neutral in my tone of voice and in my actions she will most likely still keep up the intimacy. And given enough time the physical intimacy will spawn emotional intimacy or we will just become friends who have sex with each other, I don't know.
Regardless, I have to maintain my detachment under these conditions, which is very difficult. And the constant 'threat' of divorce from her keeps the hurt there.
What a bizarre life I live. But I will say one thing - I MYSELF am fine, strong and feeling. I am not needy and I am slowly talking her back to trusting again. Herself and me.
