well, today my W was in a flirty mood and at one point jokingly said to me "Your life would be meaningless without me!"
I said very calmly "No, my life wouldn't be meaningless without you."
She paused and asked me "What would it be like?"
I stopped and thought for about 30 seconds. She said "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that" I replied "No it's ok, I'm thinking about my answer to your question"
Then I looked her in the eyes and said "My life would be a lot less fulfilling without you. I would miss my friend".
She didn't say anything and looked kind of dumbfounded, like the answer was a puzzle.
I really did think about it. I meant what I said, your life should not be meaningless because you lost someone you love. That doesn't do any honor to the person you lost and is not why you were put on this earth. It's NEEDY to put your whole reason for existing on one person. I DO miss my friend, my best friend.
So here's my puzzle. Was she looking to see if I would say 'yes it is meaningless without you' so she could feel good?
Remember, one of her 'fears' is that she would have to 'take care of me' again. So, I'm wondering if, as a woman, did she want to feel that importance in my life, or did she want to know that I was NOT needy, does that make her feel safer with me? What?
Or did I scare her away? This is very weird.
Oh, we also had sex today. She just walked up to me and embarassingly asked if I had time to 'fool around' and I said 'Sure, but is it ok if I FEEL something with you instead of it being 'just sex', can we actually be emotionally present?' and she said ok.
There was some crying again but I puased and held her a lot and I think what she needed was just that, to be loved and held. I was fully present emotionally and she felt it and knew it. She hasn't told me why she cries, but I don't mind it if I can be a comfort to her.
Afterwards she said that Counselor told her this was good therapy for her (I assume to get over being used by OM asswipe, who by the way sent her some 'stuff' she gave him along with a whiny letter telling her he was now devastated or something like that).
I felt really weird thinking that she's using sex with me as a way to 'heal' after choosing such a loser for an affair. To reaffirm her 'attractiveness' I guess. I'll have to ask Counselor tomorrow what the heck she's talking about.
And we're getting divorced, remember? Strange days.
The cool thing is after this weekend I had I really am fine with it all. I truly believe that my answer to her question will make her really think about what the heck I am feeling, and what does she want from me.
If she were to ask me 'do you love me? Are you in love with me?' She would like the answer. But she has to ask.
