Last nite W was very compassionate when I told her about the friends loss. She offered me a hug but I gratefully declined because I just felt like being sad for them as I was.
I told her I kind of wished C had let me stay the same, instead of changing my life. Then I wouldn't feel these feelings. W said that 'this is who you always were, you can't run away from who you are'. She was very calm, maybe I would say she was trying to be supportive. After a few minutes I said 'I think I'll take that hug now' and she did.
Throughout my life it's been so much easier to just live in my logical mind, nothing can hurt me in that world, that's probably how I made it through the past few months. But I still changed. Damn Counselor broke me down. And I'll probably always love her for that.
Last nite I went for a night drive with D15 and talked to her about the accident, and how she really needs to be aware that boys are different than girls, they take risks that they shouldn't take. I think she understands and is smart enough to know when she's in a possibly dangerous situation.
We always stop and get 'oreo cookie shakes' and last nite was no different. When we got home I went upstairs and put on sleeping cloths. Came down to W's room to talk about D15 as she was already in bed reading a book.
While I was talking she asked me if I had been drinking! She said my words sounded a little weird, like I used to sound after drinking. All I could think of was that the sugary taste was still in my mouth from the milkshake and I had a lot of 'salivation' in my mouth, plus I'm a little lactose intolerant. That's what I told her I thought, since I was constantly having to swallow the 'drool' after a few sentences or so. Seemed like a stupid explanation to me but it was the best I could come up with to explain what she saw as a 'speech issue'.
But I really had NO idea why she thought I was 'talking funny'. I was going to start going off on 'how could I have anything to drink, I left with D15 and came back with D15 and SHE would be pissed if I went to a store with her!'
But, I didn't. I gave my guess as to why I MIGHT be talking with a little teeny tiny 'garble' and just walked up to her and put my faces inches from her face and said 'See, I have milkshake breath and it's pretty bad!' then breathed in her face.
She said 'ugh, it's pretty bad!' and I backed away and changed the topic.
I made fun of her a little since she was in bed so early reading and it was obvious she had no top on under the covers. She said it was too warm for her and I joked that it sounds like a 'problem'. I left after a minute or so of joking and went to bed also.
It was so hard to feel her accusing me. I wanted to say "WHAT? Don't you know that I will NEVER EVER do that to myself again, no matter what? You're LOOKING for any 'subtle cue' you can to accuse me of drinking? Get a clue!"
But I didn't. I realized that I didn't have to 'defend myself' but I did feel 'cornered' and tried to explain why I talk the way I do sometimes, if only to convince myself. And I went right to 'the breath test' and made a joke out of it (ever smell old milkshake breath? Not a pretty smell). It's kinda good I hadn't brushed my teeth yet!
It's obvious she was looking for it. She hasn't seen me in any down or hurt emotional state in weeks and I was pretty sad for my friends and cried in front of her, so naturally I would go get something to drink, right? Nope, Wrong.
Well, she seemed satisified that I really didn't do any drinking so I guess I passed the 'will he drink after feeling very intense bad feelings?' test. If she only knew how much worse I have felt in the past weeks and not drank. I just haven't let her SEE me feel those feelings.
This morning I got up when she did and we were pleasant to each other. She gave me a hard time about not helping her with feeding the dogs in the morning, she feeds the dogs and the birds every morning. I am NEVER up when she is doing this so why is it an issue this morning? I just smile at her and mix up their food and give it to them while talking about something (don't remember what). She seemed pleased that I helped her. A little later she was playing on the piano and I was behind her listening and 'clapped' when she was done and she gave me a hard time for 'sneaking around' and listening to her playing a song she is learning.
So, she's back and forth this morning. Sometimes happy and nice, other times not. She went for her walk and I left while she was gone. She has a counselor meeting at 11, and I have one afterwards at 1. I think our Counselor will be worn out by us today!
You're doing good, Frank. She's watching you very closely. Looking for one tiny thing that will justify her wanting a divorce. That's why she asked if you had been drinking. Good job handling that. Smelling milkshake breath might have been gross but at least it removed all doubt!
I'm so sorry about your friends losing their son. I have prayed for them since reading your post. I've kept you and your wife in prayer, too and will continue.
I really did understand your feelings of emptiness and my words were not meant as an indictment. It just broke my heart to see that a person standing in, living in, giving so much LOVE was struggling so to find it for himself. But I do understand. That, too, is part of life's walk and no one can do it for another...and it is especially hard when you have not know love as a child. It makes what you are doing and how you are doing it even more awe inspiring. Given the way you have chosen to live and love with utmost integrity, you heart and spirit WILL be renewed... all of us that are standing with you want it for you, too.
Saw Counselor today. I really didn't have a lot to talk about.
She said W gave her permission to tell me some stuff from her session earlier today. W was afraid I had stopped taking my anti-depressants and thought I'd start drinking again. It was because I had said something about stopping a few weeks ago but I never told her that I talked to my doctor and decided to leave well enough alone.
Anyway, she thought I had been acting 'weird' since our 'encounter' the other day. She was worried I took it 'the wrong way' and was thinking I was 'hopeful for reconciliation' while she still wants a divorce.
Then she told C she was concerned that the death of my friends son pushed me 'over the edge' and I was going to drink. I laughed when C told me this and said "If she only KNEW what she's put me through, how I've given and given and given to her, the days when I wanted to curl up and die. And she thinks NOW I'd start drinking because of this kids death? If she ONLY knew that I've been through a lot worse in the past 3 months then that and had lots more reasons.
I mean, what kind of man would go sit on the bathroom floor with his wife while she tells him how she can't 'make it' on her own, how her relationships with men don't work, how she's a failure and is only where she is in her life because of ME and she can't stand on her own?
How many would then use their last drops in their 'cup' to lift her back up so she CAN feel like she will be ok without me, she CAN deal with her relationships better, and she WILL be a success in her business. All so she can be strong and confident enough to leave me.
How many? She's so blind. And she thinks I'm going to drink NOW? She has no idea what I've been through because I have to maintain that strong front. Sheesh!
C told me to get back to a grounded and level place with her, that I can not lose my focus.
C also told me in a round about way that W is mourning the end of the 'relationship' with OM. She had thought he was her knight who was going to rescue her from her life of misery but she now knows he was a user, and she was used. I guess she has to deal with this whole thing of 'picking' the bad one, and comparing it to me, who she sees as a 'bad pick' too. Before she can look at any relationships again she has to deal with this.
Anyway, I'm tired. Going away tomorrow to this 'adventure' retreat and I'll be forgetting I have this life for 3 days.
I straightened things out with W about the 'weirdness' with me, and the medicine so she's ok about it now. I think she's feeling like the sex sent the wrong message so that won't happen again, at least for a while.
What a great weekend! Talk about being lost spiritually and finding an 'experience' that really helped me connect with the man inside of me.
I feel at least half full if not 90% or more. My cup was empty friday and today it's just so much better.
I was feeling a little apprehensive about what I would say or do when I got home, would my W be indifferent? Maybe more 'divorce oriented' since her negative Girlfriend spent the weekend?
But I was hyped and positive so when I came home I just had this big grin on my face, and when I saw W she smiles and said 'we missed you this weekend' and gave me a short hug.
Of course she wanted to know what the 'new warrior training' was all about but we are sworn to secrecy so I couldn't tell her. We talked about some 'general' things in the weekend and she asked me if I was happy with the experience. I said 'Sure, I'm so happy I'm going to give you a big hug!' and grabbed her. She kept the hug short and laughed a little. I think she thinks I'm crazy (which I am).
She talked quite a bit, telling me how busy she was all weekend without me around and basically 'ranting' as she said. But I smiled and listened.
She said she enjoyed sleeping in "the bed" (our bed) while I was gone since it's more comfy than her foldout bed. She said she changed the sheets because she wasn't sure if they were clean or not and I said 'well if they got dirty it was when you and I had our 'experience' the other day'. She gave me an annoyed look. Oh well.
We'll see how the week goes. I am not going to make any assumptions, just go with it.
I have read a lot of your posts. It is so weird that your wife is saying what she is saying. From the outside looking in, don’t take the bait. Keep doing what you are doing and it looks better than I have ever read. I can see now how I must be so that I do not take the bait as well. It is very weird the difference between those working on the marriage and those that don’t.
I know of 5 people who are D or S in my apartment complex. They live very strange lives.
Like they are lost or something???
I pulled up the other day and two guys who I know start telling me “I don’t want it and I don’t need it”.
They say keep telling your self that. One of them asks me how old I am. I say 35. He says, at 36 I was on my second marriage. I gave him a friendly finger and said ‘”and I am going to take advice from you”. I am in till the end, when my wife says its over and files the paperwork and 6 months and one day passes. Then I will move on, at that point I think it would be best. But that is only my time line. Other than that things are going well and I hope I get something like you Frank.
You know something very interesting:
When I chase my wife she gets strong and pulls away. When I get strong and pull away she acts different. There is a pattern emerging over the past 2months of this. During this time frame I have had two episode of weakness that lasts for about 3 – 5 days and during this time she is very strong in her move. But during the time in between she calls me or emails me for weird stuff and usually it’s about the kids. Oh and the funny thing, I am DB’ing and I always try to get off the phone first so I end up saying goodbye at least 3 times before we finish. She always has something else to say or ask me.
Funning thing yesterday when she dropped of the kids I swear she looked to see if I was wearing my ring. It really looked like it but I could be mistaken.
Like I said before, I am golden to you Frank. Outside looking in, anybody who thought you should leave now gets the friendly finger. IMO
:):):)
IMO