Saw Counselor today. I really didn't have a lot to talk about.
She said W gave her permission to tell me some stuff from her session earlier today. W was afraid I had stopped taking my anti-depressants and thought I'd start drinking again. It was because I had said something about stopping a few weeks ago but I never told her that I talked to my doctor and decided to leave well enough alone.
Anyway, she thought I had been acting 'weird' since our 'encounter' the other day. She was worried I took it 'the wrong way' and was thinking I was 'hopeful for reconciliation' while she still wants a divorce.
Then she told C she was concerned that the death of my friends son pushed me 'over the edge' and I was going to drink. I laughed when C told me this and said "If she only KNEW what she's put me through, how I've given and given and given to her, the days when I wanted to curl up and die. And she thinks NOW I'd start drinking because of this kids death? If she ONLY knew that I've been through a lot worse in the past 3 months then that and had lots more reasons.
I mean, what kind of man would go sit on the bathroom floor with his wife while she tells him how she can't 'make it' on her own, how her relationships with men don't work, how she's a failure and is only where she is in her life because of ME and she can't stand on her own?
How many would then use their last drops in their 'cup' to lift her back up so she CAN feel like she will be ok without me, she CAN deal with her relationships better, and she WILL be a success in her business. All so she can be strong and confident enough to leave me.
How many? She's so blind. And she thinks I'm going to drink NOW? She has no idea what I've been through because I have to maintain that strong front. Sheesh!
C told me to get back to a grounded and level place with her, that I can not lose my focus.
C also told me in a round about way that W is mourning the end of the 'relationship' with OM. She had thought he was her knight who was going to rescue her from her life of misery but she now knows he was a user, and she was used. I guess she has to deal with this whole thing of 'picking' the bad one, and comparing it to me, who she sees as a 'bad pick' too. Before she can look at any relationships again she has to deal with this.
Anyway, I'm tired. Going away tomorrow to this 'adventure' retreat and I'll be forgetting I have this life for 3 days.
I straightened things out with W about the 'weirdness' with me, and the medicine so she's ok about it now. I think she's feeling like the sex sent the wrong message so that won't happen again, at least for a while.
