Last nite W was very compassionate when I told her about the friends loss. She offered me a hug but I gratefully declined because I just felt like being sad for them as I was.
I told her I kind of wished C had let me stay the same, instead of changing my life. Then I wouldn't feel these feelings. W said that 'this is who you always were, you can't run away from who you are'. She was very calm, maybe I would say she was trying to be supportive. After a few minutes I said 'I think I'll take that hug now' and she did.
Throughout my life it's been so much easier to just live in my logical mind, nothing can hurt me in that world, that's probably how I made it through the past few months. But I still changed. Damn Counselor broke me down. And I'll probably always love her for that.
Last nite I went for a night drive with D15 and talked to her about the accident, and how she really needs to be aware that boys are different than girls, they take risks that they shouldn't take. I think she understands and is smart enough to know when she's in a possibly dangerous situation.
We always stop and get 'oreo cookie shakes' and last nite was no different. When we got home I went upstairs and put on sleeping cloths. Came down to W's room to talk about D15 as she was already in bed reading a book.
While I was talking she asked me if I had been drinking! She said my words sounded a little weird, like I used to sound after drinking. All I could think of was that the sugary taste was still in my mouth from the milkshake and I had a lot of 'salivation' in my mouth, plus I'm a little lactose intolerant. That's what I told her I thought, since I was constantly having to swallow the 'drool' after a few sentences or so. Seemed like a stupid explanation to me but it was the best I could come up with to explain what she saw as a 'speech issue'.
But I really had NO idea why she thought I was 'talking funny'. I was going to start going off on 'how could I have anything to drink, I left with D15 and came back with D15 and SHE would be pissed if I went to a store with her!'
But, I didn't. I gave my guess as to why I MIGHT be talking with a little teeny tiny 'garble' and just walked up to her and put my faces inches from her face and said 'See, I have milkshake breath and it's pretty bad!' then breathed in her face.
She said 'ugh, it's pretty bad!' and I backed away and changed the topic.
I made fun of her a little since she was in bed so early reading and it was obvious she had no top on under the covers. She said it was too warm for her and I joked that it sounds like a 'problem'. I left after a minute or so of joking and went to bed also.
It was so hard to feel her accusing me. I wanted to say "WHAT? Don't you know that I will NEVER EVER do that to myself again, no matter what? You're LOOKING for any 'subtle cue' you can to accuse me of drinking? Get a clue!"
But I didn't. I realized that I didn't have to 'defend myself' but I did feel 'cornered' and tried to explain why I talk the way I do sometimes, if only to convince myself. And I went right to 'the breath test' and made a joke out of it (ever smell old milkshake breath? Not a pretty smell). It's kinda good I hadn't brushed my teeth yet!
It's obvious she was looking for it. She hasn't seen me in any down or hurt emotional state in weeks and I was pretty sad for my friends and cried in front of her, so naturally I would go get something to drink, right? Nope, Wrong.
Well, she seemed satisified that I really didn't do any drinking so I guess I passed the 'will he drink after feeling very intense bad feelings?' test. If she only knew how much worse I have felt in the past weeks and not drank. I just haven't let her SEE me feel those feelings.
This morning I got up when she did and we were pleasant to each other. She gave me a hard time about not helping her with feeding the dogs in the morning, she feeds the dogs and the birds every morning. I am NEVER up when she is doing this so why is it an issue this morning? I just smile at her and mix up their food and give it to them while talking about something (don't remember what). She seemed pleased that I helped her. A little later she was playing on the piano and I was behind her listening and 'clapped' when she was done and she gave me a hard time for 'sneaking around' and listening to her playing a song she is learning.
So, she's back and forth this morning. Sometimes happy and nice, other times not. She went for her walk and I left while she was gone. She has a counselor meeting at 11, and I have one afterwards at 1. I think our Counselor will be worn out by us today!
