Quote: The tenderness you show her, the respect you give her, the faith you have in her, the patience you have had, the dignity, the cute ways you tease each other, the playfulness, the history....the healing...the hope...that's what got you where you were yesterday with your wife, Frank. And that's what is going to turn her heart back to you. And I think she is going to find out that she has loved you all along.
Oh Amy, you just got me crying my eyes out here! I am Sooo empty right now. I have used everything I have to heal everyone around me and get them through this. If it wasn't for the times I talk to Spitfire on the phone I'd lose it for sure.
And you just described who I am. Who I really am. I would do most of those things for ANYBODY, not just my wife. I've been so lost for so long, and I MISS me. The strength, the confidence, my belief that if you give love and kindness, you'll receive. The 'knowing' and being able to lift someone else out of their sadness, out of their lostness in their own lives. That's what I miss. I work in technology, but it's not who I am. It's just one of my gifts but not the most important one. I have helped so many others find their true skills, build their confidence, grow. But nothing for myself.
When I left my Counselors the other day, I was pretty emotional because on that day I knew who I was, and I finally accepted it. Remember, she is an MFCC and pretty much has every meaningful degree and experience. But she also counsels people on the spiritual level. As she likes to say, "I help pick up fallen angels".
Well, she said this to me, and I didn't really want to share it with anyone, but Amy I think you already know it.
I'm paraphrasing here...
She said: "When I first met you 2 years ago I saw where you were at, beaten up, feeling so empty, running away from YOU.
I knew who you really were right then. I saw it in you. I've never worked with someone that I've prayed for so much and put my self, my spirit into so much. I knew you were different. And you know who you are now, don't you? And you're done running away from that."
She said: "You are like me. We heal people. I do it in my office here every day, and you do it out there, in the World. You just didn't know you were doing it and you had no boundaries, so you gave all you had away. Now you're getting it back. I told you this was a spiritual journey and you're there."
It's only been 3 months but it feels like 3 years, or 5 years and I guess in a way it has been. You know what I've been through the past 5 years, and what W's done in 3 1/2 months and what I've had to deal with, holding up my family and my wife during Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, while she has EA/PA, while pulling my own self out of a 5 year depression, stopping drinking to 'feel better' and on and on and on. Giving Giving Giving.
I think it's hard enough to DB when you're at least 'ok' with your life. But recovering from years of depression drinking, self hatred, lostness at the same time, well, it's been hard. And I don't cry enough.
I KNOW I'm almost done rebuilding Frank. I was determined from the first day this began and I think I made it to this point in my growth 'just in time'. Another few weeks of this and I would have broken and said or did something irreversible.
No matter what happens, I will be alright. Actually, more than 'alright'. I'm back to fulfilling my higher purpose.
So, my journey has been more than DB'ing. It's been a lot of self discovery. I hope people don't think I'm crazy, well, because I AM!
