Geek, I don't understand why stating what you are willing--and not willing--to tolerate is going above and beyond. It should be the rock bottom basic foundation of your communication with her. Kwim?
Why do you consider being non-negotiable on your own needs to be going above and beyond?
In order to break out of the cycle you will HAVE to face this conflict head on. I know you don't want to, but you will continue to keep stuffing your resentment if you do. And in the meantime nothing will change.
