Out of curiosity. Why do you try to placate her? How does this help?
My H has a tendance to use absolutes when he's talking too "always & never"....I HATE that, because as you said....it's not "always or never" that you do something. I stopped my H in his tracks one time when he did this to me by simply saying. I don't appreciate you using an absolute like "always & never" when you say these things....because while I may "often do (or not do) something....it's not "always or never", so saying that is unfair to me....and untrue." But I have stopped him from doing that to me.
Another thing I might do...is sit there and listen to her say what she has to say, then say "ok honey, I've listened to you I understand there are some needs of yours not being met and I will try to do better. Since you've brought the subject up though....here are some needs of mine that I'd like to talk to you about too, they are just as important as yours."
As for defending yourself, diffuse the situation if she tries to accuse you of finger-pointing, or blaming her. If this is truly not what you are doing, then ask her how she thinks you are trying to place blame on her.
Lastly...why in the heck are you avoiding her to placate her? Why are you trying to placate her? You two aren't going to get through this by doing that. By avoiding her and "placating" her...you are telling her her behavior is ok, because you'll let her get away with it.....and you just begin your vicious cycle over again at step one.
Stand up to her. It sounds to me like this is really lacking in your interactions with her. It appears to me that she knows she can behave this way....and you will back down. What do you think?
