Well, it's been forever since I posted so I thought I would drop in, post an update and wallow in my pity for a little while. Maybe some of you guys can tell me what a jerk I'm being and I'll snap out of it.
So, I've noticed that my sex drive seems to go in "seasons" - there are certain times when I crave extra sex, hardcore, kinky, over the top... then there are months when I am happy with regular ole missionary, and now recently I went through a two month spell where I could care less about sex. It was like I fell out of "lust" with my wife. Also, let me state that while my sex drive changes... I am not allowed to BE kinky... it is always step 1, step 2, done...
So, here's an update on what's happened and where I am. I went through a two month spell where I could really care less about sex. Maybe my relaxed attitude about it (not groping, hinting, etc) caused my wife to perk up and take the lead. She started initiating more. We went from once a month to once every 8-15 days... She even got tipsy on wine two times and wanted to have sex on the couch, floor, cabinet, etc... one time when she was really hot to trot I decided to go for it and said "how bout me..." after giving her oral. She replied "you're kidding right?" - which I am not sure what that means. Oral is not something she does for me anymore... we don't talk about this stuff either (which is a major problem).
So, now we go through 18 days of everybody getting the flu and what-not. We're all busy as bees. I work a full time job AND moon-light in the evenings. My moonlighting job has picked up quite a bit which helps to pay the bills, but constantly puts me on the mat as to whether I am going to spend family time or get my work done.
So, I'm starting to enter a cycle where I'm more and more horny all the time. I was out of town for the weekend and wanted to jump her as soon as I got home, but once I stepped in the door I hear her saying how "tired" she is and how "everyone has been NEEDING her for one thing or the other all weekend" - so, I decided to pass and wait. The next day I'm still horny. I buy her a small valentine gift and drop it by her office when she's not looking. That night I get home and she has her face in a book all night (homework). I try to "hang around her" but I don't want to look like I'm just doing it to "put the moves on." I've got a TON of work on my computer so I retreat to the office. She tells me at 10pm that she is tired and she is going upstairs. I sit there at the computer wishing I was jumping her bones, but afraid to ask... after 25 minutes of work I open my secret stash of xxx files on the computer. After 5 minutes of watching, I am worked up enough that I'm willing to face the rejection. I go to the bedroom and confidently lean right up to her and say I'm really in the mood and would love to spend some time with her... she says "geez, can't you see it's 11pm already... I don't think so..."
So, I try to play it off and say... "hey, no problem... some other time..." I climb into bed and she finishes watching her tv show for 10 minutes then kisses me goodnight and rolls over.
The next morning she is waiting for an apology. She can't believe how insensitive I was and says that I really offended her. She gives me some time to figure out what I did. After 30 minutes I tell her that I can only guess that it is because I wait until late at night to ask her when the change is 90% she will say no... then she feels bad because she says no 90% of the time... (she told me this once...).
Well, I'm wrong. That's not it at all. After a 30 minute discussion she finally tells me that I have not spent any time with her this week. She cannot have sex without feeling an emotional bond to me. If I do not hang out with her and get close to her then she cannot have sex. Of course, we have both been swamped and there has been NO time TO have with her. I am behind on my projects because of the little time I have managed and that is not enough. I understand her and I want to feel that safe connected in-love feeling too. The problem is that I end up post-poning everything in my life and hanging out with her for two weeks (shopping, digging up rocks, whatever...) the whole while being paranoid about whether I am the cool loving guy she would want to have sex with. And then bamm... two weeks go by... no sex, I'm stressed over all the stuff I haven't gotten done...
Well, I guess that's enough for now. I don't plan on initiating anytime soon. I'll just make what time I can for her and try to shift back into that "I don't care about sex" mode that worked before.
The thing that irritates me is that I have this I feel like I have this mental list of 100 sexual things I want to do before I die and I've only managed to check off 25 of them. Sure, I should be happy... there are people who have not checked off near as many... but, maybe I should find someone who would be interested in at least looking at the list and saying "well, I could do that and that..." instead of someone who says..."I don't want to know what you're thinking... we can do what we did last time... take it or leave it."
