Thank you all, friends. It is encouraging to know you care.
Stubborn and bullheadness? Yes, H is, and there are two of us like that in this house.
Finances and taking care of the place – I’ve been working on that, I always work on that, I always have, it has always been up to me to figure it out. Last fall, when I’d had it with H’s spending and selfishness and his surprise hunting trip, I told him he had to step up and start contributing on a regular basis, and I wanted money to spend like he did. He has somewhat, he has paid half the monthly mortgage, as well as the winter heating bills, all the farm fuel, pays all the fuel for my truck ‘cause I charge it to his account. I used to do all that. These things have allowed me some leniency in my own budget, which I’ve used to make bigger payments on my truck, a little extra on the mortgage each month, but I haven’t brought myself to go on wild spending sprees for myself. I just don’t that stuff, I guess I’m too frugal or responsible or whatever you prefer to label it. I’ve changed our mortgage financing to a better deal for us, I’ve paid off those 0% credit card loans that floated me thru when H was laid up. I've thought about what livestock to sell, what H might want from here, and I know that I will try very hard to hang on to every inch of land that I've worked my a$$ off to obtain.
Looking in the eyes, watching each others faces – yes, I did say it felt like we were looking to see who was bluffing. Like a poker game, except this is real life. I don’t know why he stays, what keeps him here, he won’t admit to any thing any feelings, but I do need to forge thru and ahead and we need to keep talking. He won’t like it, I won’t like it, but somethings gotta give here. What do I want? I want this phase to be over. If we can somehow manage to work back to a loving caring real marriage, that is option #1. That takes two of us. Has H been trying and I’ve been missing it? Is just the fact that he is still here his statement to me that he IS trying? He needs to step up his try. Have I been great and wonderful? No, I am not. I have caused him great hurt and pain during our marriage, if he would be specific it would sure be helpful. Other than his feeling I rejected him sexually so much (which then on a different day he will say that is not true), I honestly don’t know how I caused him so much hurt and pain. Well, not true, he did say I always closed the door in his face when we came in at night. I’d walk in first, he’d stay out another minute to feed the dogs, and in the meantime I would close the door behind me. He said it felt like I was slamming the door in his face. I have never done that again since he told me that.
Power play and dynamics – we both have very strong personalities. (can anyone tell?) H is usually the guy that comes up with ideas, I follow thru and do them. He is the PR guy, I am the power behind the throne. I’m not this way just with him, but in many things. I prefer someone else be the ‘glory taker’, and I’ll stand behind them and get the work done. I don’t need or want the attention in front of a crowd, H likes that, he thrives on it. But by me being the doer, and H being the talker, many people see thru that, and do make comments about it. I don’t ask to get recognized, but more and more folks know and comment about it. So by me NOT being the person to stand up for the glory, am I attracting glory anyway? Is that making H resent me? 2X4 time.
Did I really handle that conversation okay? I feel like I just screwed it all up, like I didn’t DB at all, like I haven’t learned a thing thru all of this.
Todays ride so far ... Life goes on just fine, like nothing ever is wrong. H came home friendly from event practice he went to with friend last night. Talked a little about it, even showed me the big lump he got on his leg from running into a cow. He started with ‘you know how you always talk about being concerned about running your knees into a cow when going into the herd? You’re right, it does hurt.’ And then said he ran his leg into a cow pretty hard, had to quit and go to the other end of the arena for a while to get over it. Later, when he laid down on the couch to go to sleep, he gasped and winced from the pain when he hit that lump on the couch surface. Ouch.
Today, I took the day off of work. Got up usual time, took a shower, and got ready to go to the barn! Complete with light makeup. We had a veterinarian appointment to do annual blood tests on the whole herd of horses. It is required by law if you travel with a horse, or attend organized events with horses. I had all the paperwork prefilled in, the vet (same friend from last night) arrived by 7:30, and we got busy. 30 tests to do. No, not all those horses are mine! Only about half are mine, the other half reside here for other people, training, riding, etc….. We had a couple of real tough horses that don’t like needle pokes, some that their people don’t come and work with very often are hard to catch. H and I worked like a well greased wheel and never missed a rotation. We read each other perfectly, knew exactly where to be and how to help each other, when to back off, when to apply pressure, how to make it all work with the least amount of problems. Anyone see the movie The Horse Whisperer? In that movie, Robert Redford ‘laid a horse down’, it is a way to get a real tough to deal with horse to submit and cooperate. H did this today with a tough horse. It was awesome. He is a natural talent with horses. We were full of compliments to each other today, handling these horses. Even vet friend complimented me, for being so organized and ready, said I was really something, and real precious. This is the guy that H and I are good friends with. H stood there and listened, and later after vet friend was gone, we talked about the whole morning, how long it took, and H said it didn’t take so long because I was so prepared. Alright, so I had my ego fed today.
By this time it was late morning, it looked like H was getting ready to head out, so I made some ‘to go’ breakfast wraps for him. Now also remember, it is Thursday, so I also added his favorite hot sauce, and extra onions. Never know who he might be meeting with today!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Funny, seems like you've had a nicer day since the R talk. You think it just needed to happen to break the ice? Still hanging onto thoughts from a conversation so long ago, that he might see that you still want him there?
Keep pushing. Be prepared, but remember, you're just respecting each other venting...it's not the end of the world. He definately does not seem ready to up and leave.
WCW I need more techincal advise. Do you have any idea how to make the poll thing work? I tried that, but it worked as well as adding my signature line. I want to start a poll asking how many LBS discovered that control/communication was an issue post bomb.
After everything that I have read on this board, I think that I know what the % will be. I am thinking that if I am right we can develop a shot for us stubbourn LBS to administer with the vows and we can cure almost all D's.
Funny, WCW...here we are, trading places for a bit....
I'm backing off from the R talk, and you're pushing forward with it, bit by bit!
So, some lessons I learned in R talk (believe it or not, I learned some!): go slow, since both of you have not done it for a while. Safe environment, your tone, face expression, ease will convey that he is safe. May want to start off expressing, gently, your thoughts on what you would like, in a caring way, and compliment him (not overboard) to get his ego boosted before hammering at questions about his plans (learned this the hard way). When you state your feelings, they are just that, put them out there, but no expectations of him doing anything about it. Just relax, do at least 1 thing to make him comfortable...even if it's a small smile during the hard conversation. You'll be great!
Sorry, S&A, no idea. I thought I saw somewhere that someone couldn't get the poll thing to work.
A14 - Yup, here I go, starting the dreaded R talk. But, I stayed in the no R talk mode for months, and that got me nowhere. I stayed there for too long.
Becca - you inspired me at least a little yesterday. I started reducing some clutter (no, not H). 180 - threw some things away that I didn't like but kept because I felt like I should because it was too good to throw away, even if I didn't like it. Phewwww! in the trash! While I was cleaning I baked a cake. I thought wow! I almost feel like a housewife instead of a business/carreer woman and a ranchhand. Luckily it didn't last too long, it was a fleeting feeling, 'cause then I went for a ride in the sliver of moonlight, but the full circle moon was visible. Did anyone see it? It made me think a smiley was looking at me. I got back from my ride, H was home, and doing chores for me. We talked yet once again about the morning, and I thanked him particularly for the help and extra time he took to draw blood from MY horse, she hates needle pokes.
We got in the house, and had cake and ice cream for our meal. H initiated conversation about tomorrows plans, we both want to go to the same place. I said I wasn't sure I wanted to leave at 5am to ride along with friend, but I didn't care to drive by myself later either, as it is a 2 hour plus drive in IL. H is thinking that he has a meeting somewhat in the same direction today, and he might just finish the drive tonight and stay over somewhere. Guess that leaves me on my own if he does. Again, rather than figure it all for him, I just said 'let me know what you decide.'
So hey! I may have a Bachorlette Party tonight!! anyone wanna join me?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: So hey! I may have a Bachorlette Party tonight!! anyone wanna join me?
Yeah. Me.
Sure would like to do some socializing with fun people for a change. And I DID see that moon last night. I like moons like that because it makes you realize that there's really a PLANET out there in our orbit and that all the constellations are actually real, not just a backdrop.
Opti and S&A - drive time is probably about the same. No worry about starting later, just show up. Bring the dog. My dogs love company! Bring the kids, they'll get over it. Opti - that big Appendix horse is waiting for you......
Hey bigAl! good to see you again! Yeah, it's almost bad to feel happy when H just told me he's still looking for a place to move to. I think it's probably disbelief yet, but until reality sets in I'll take happy.
BTW, the time has come and gone that H said he would be leaving today for his meeting and then whatever. Haven't heard from him. I think that means I'm not going along with him. Would that be an accurate guess?
Parties on!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Not to contradict, but I don't think H told you he was still looking for a place. Sounded more like it was from a while ago. "I guess" means more, "I don't know and don't want to tell you." For whatever reason, he's still on the fence. In your R talks, you can probe what they are, and work on pushing him on your side.
We had a veterinarian appointment to do annual blood tests on the whole herd of horses. It is required by law if you travel with a horse, or attend organized events with horses. I had all the paperwork prefilled in, the vet (same friend from last night) arrived by 7:30, and we got busy. 30 tests to do. No, not all those horses are mine! Only about half are mine, the other half reside here for other people, training, riding, etc….. We had a couple of real tough horses that don’t like needle pokes, some that their people don’t come and work with very often are hard to catch. H and I worked like a well greased wheel and never missed a rotation. We read each other perfectly, knew exactly where to be and how to help each other, when to back off, when to apply pressure, how to make it all work with the least amount of problems. Anyone see the movie The Horse Whisperer? In that movie, Robert Redford ‘laid a horse down’, it is a way to get a real tough to deal with horse to submit and cooperate. H did this today with a tough horse. It was awesome. He is a natural talent with horses. We were full of compliments to each other today, handling these horses. Even vet friend complimented me, for being so organized and ready, said I was really something, and real precious. This is the guy that H and I are good friends with. H stood there and listened, and later after vet friend was gone, we talked about the whole morning, how long it took, and H said it didn’t take so long because I was so prepared. Alright, so I had my ego fed today. 
Never know who he might be meeting with today!
While I was cleaning I baked a cake. I thought wow! I almost feel like a housewife instead of a business/carreer woman and a ranchhand. Luckily it didn't last too long, it was a fleeting feeling, 'cause then I went for a ride in the sliver of moonlight, but the full circle moon was visible. Did anyone see it? It made me think a smiley was looking at me.