You certainly deserve some kind of clarification on where your M stands. You have been hanging in there soooooo long. You have been biting your tongue.
I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I don't blame you one bit for looking for some straightforward answers from H.
H was home early last night, I asked if he had a meeting or something, he said no. Weird.
I used the 24 hour rule before I came here. Here is last nights R talk - Me: do you know if "people" moved yet? H: not sure Me: do you know where they were moving, wasn't it out of state? H: she moved to OR, he's staying here for the winter Me: does that mean they divorced? H: not sure it means that Me: are you checking into their place to rent for you? H: (shrug shoulders) there aren't many places to rent with a horse and a dog Me: I know silence Me: Is your plan to still move out? H: that's what I said I was going to do a long time ago Me: that's not what I asked, I asked if that was still your plan H: I guess silence Me: when do you want to start dividing stuff up? H: whenever you want end of conversation
I know, don't believe what they say and half of what you hear, or whatever. What was odd is that he maintained eye contact with me during this conversation. We were watching each other, like seeing if someone was bluffing. I'll have to ask at some point if he thinks there is anything that can be done to make this work, but I'm fairly sure of that answer. This has always been our history, our problem, our pattern. Conversation ends, unresolved issues, built up frustration, new day starts, bad memories carry over and get added to the pile. No fights, just a big pile of crapola that never turns to compost and blows away or gets used to fertilize the ground and make something good grow.
I don't know all how I feel, probably still some shock that keeps me numb, probably some relief that I have a direction to focus, a lot of pain and hurt that will still be surfacing.
Tonight H was here when I got home from work in town. But he had plans to go with friend to event practice tonight. No surprise that he doesn't work half the night when he has a plan with someone else. A little tense when I first walked in, but we said hi to each other, then he asked about an email I sent him resigning from a committee of an organization that he is in charge of. This is the same event last October that I poured myself into half of last summer and early fall. I resigned from the portion that has just gotten rolling for this Octobers event, we had the first meeting last week. The portion that I've already got in progress I will continue to do, unless someone else volunteers for the time consuming job. After that was over he went outside to get things ready to leave for the night. Friend showed up, and H came back in to talk about friend, we chuckled about some stuff, and he said bye. I said be careful, they have winter advisories out for freezing rain and snow on top of it.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Well, I can't even imagine the frustration you have had living with your H. I know, obviously, there is a good person in there because you married him to begin with. But, the level of bull headedness and ability to keep it up for years at a time, is staggering.
You must have some of that too since you've been at this so long.
For good or bad, I'm glad you are feeling ready to find some direction in your M. I have no idea what the right DB tactic is, or if there even is one. But, there has to be some sense of relief in there with all the pain.
And who knows...maybe he is trying to call your bluff. And we'll see what he does when he finds out you aren't bluffing.
What I really want to know is how have you prepared yourself to go forward with yourlife assuming H decides not to go forward with you? Have you made financial plans and plans for the farm? I hope you have a plan to get that happiness back you had when you were "between marriages" and living your dreams.
I know you have rough roads ahead. I Hope you have a GOOD day today!
Another thought hit me when I clicked the submit button...you ARE DBing. You are NOT doing more of the same here. I'm assuming that more of the same for you would be not addressing the elephant in the room, letting your sitch go and pretending to be a happy go lucky person in the mean time. So now, bringing the sitch up, asking for some resolution...THAT'S a 180. That's doing something different.
Good call on the 24 hour rule. Regardless of what happens, it seems that your rollercoaster is likely to accelerate a bit over the next few days. Try to keep that 24-hour rule in mind if you can so that you can keep a lid on any rash decisions or knee-jerk emotions. You've done very well to this point. I'm sure you'll do fine.
I'm trying to think back a bit...to put myself in your situation...
A couple of things to remember:
1) You are okay. It *does* take two for a R to get to this point but you've done your best. You might be tempted to do the "if only I had done this" thing...everyone makes mistakes along the way and it's even more difficult to be perfect when there is such emotional turmoil involved.
2) Very important..."three breaths". Who knows which way things are going to go now but, coming from someone who can tell you what *not* to do, the more under-control you can remain for the next few weeks the better it will be for you. It's silly and simple but taking three breaths before reacting to any news...good or bad...can be a great tactic to keep your head and prevent you from saying anything extreme.
As others have said, regardless of which way it looks like your H is going to go, you should probably be preparing your finances.
So glad you had this talk. It was long overdue. Though, in my thoughts, it doesn't seem like he said much of anything, besides being confusing and cryptic with his words. Also, why is it YOUR call to decide when to split things up when HE is the one deciding to move out? Don't make his work easy for him, unless you have reached a point where this is toxic for you.
Truthfully, for a man that avoids any contact, the fact that he was looking you in the eye the whole time gives me pause. I think he was trying to see how you would react and what YOU wanted. Thinking "does SHE want this to end...is SHE asking me to leave?"
Let the dust settle a bit, but keep the ball rolling on the R talk--gently. It's been a while since you've both talked about things, and this conversation did nothing but say that he's in no rush to move out, and testing to see if you wanted him to. It's worth telling him, again, that you would like to start working on things between the both of you, or at least start talking. Lots of time has passed b/w the both of you to let feelings settle a bit, and you are not angry, judgemental. I think he still feels that you are. Something tells me he's still testing you to see if things are safe.
You did a hell of a job...bravo. You have a bit of work ahead of you, I know that you'll do well.
In many ways, this might be the ice that is broken to make things better. Sounds like your latest interaction was good and comfortable.
always hit on something. I have to go with him/er on this one. Think that H is trying to buffalo you into keeping the status quo. It's up to you whether you are okay with that or not and what, if anything, to do about it.
Something to think about...before things got bad, was there a power-play dynamic in your relationship? Positioning for dominance?
Quote: Truthfully, for a man that avoids any contact, the fact that he was looking you in the eye the whole time gives me pause. I think he was trying to see how you would react and what YOU wanted. Thinking "does SHE want this to end...is SHE asking me to leave?"
I think I agree with always. I am sensing some projection in your read of the sit. Perhaps because part of you IS looking for some sort of resolution . It is what your posts have been saying lately, so it is as if this convo fits nicely into that.
... and maybe that is what YOU need. Which is absolutely fine, but it is then what YOU want not necessarily him. I guess that is the question in teh end: what do you want? where are you at in this journey?
Again, just my humble opinion.
Also to be said, I am so impressed with how you handled it and the whole 24 hour thing!!!! I don't think I could have done that.
So ,deep breath and no reactive decisions... no matter what happens I know you will be just fine in the end! You are one amazing lady!
((((WCW))))
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Sorry you haven't heard from me in a while. I have been around, just barely get time to on read one post and then get called away. I just wanted to say that you are handling yourself so incredibly well.
But he had plans to go with friend to event practice tonight. No surprise that he doesn't work half the night when he has a plan with someone else. A little tense when I first walked in, but we said hi to each other, then he asked about an email I sent him resigning from a committee of an organization that he is in charge of. This is the same event last October that I poured myself into half of last summer and early fall. I resigned from the portion that has just gotten rolling for this Octobers event, we had the first meeting last week. The portion that I've already got in progress I will continue to do, unless someone else volunteers for the time consuming job. After that was over he went outside to get things ready to leave for the night. Friend showed up, and H came back in to talk about friend, we chuckled about some stuff, and he said bye. I said be careful, they have winter advisories out for freezing rain and snow on top of it.
I don't think I could have done that.