Hanging on/The Long Haul #9

[WCW]

Akiwi – you always have such an interesting perspective, thanks. I will try and remember that next time.

Kml and amd – I just can’t bring me to do that. I sorta tried last week, but I couldn’t or chickened out. I have more painful memories of H and I in intimate settings and the virtual outcome than if I think about him and OW together. And finally, the last time I seduced him, until he could physically resist no longer, he made me suffer by his perfect timing of very hurtful words during the episode. I just can’t go back there again, I cry at the memory.

Aynesr – keep it up, based on the above paragraph, that’s a joke right? Serious though, I’ve been looking for progress for so long, maybe I am immune to it. Someone define progress.

Becca – maybe not so much an R talk as an ‘if you’re done, I’m done too’ talk. It’s almost out to the tip of my tongue so often lately, but I’ve bit it back. I’m just tired, and I have to decide if I’m too tired to keep going, or to tired to stop. Either way, it’s a lot of work ahead of me.

Always – am I ready to give permission? No. Not to the man that currently exists and shows himself to me. I think our current common space is more comfortable, which is being mistaken for progress. I say that because of a few things, mostly this unsettling feeling that is growing again, something is wrong. The other day I walked in the house and H had this Busted, I’m Guilty look on his face. I have learned to recognize that look, even though he is still the master of disguise and deception.

I’ve been waking up lonely lately, I thought I was over that, at least I was for awhile. I’ve been going to bed a little earlier, which means I still wake up after 4 or 5 or less hours of sleep. Maybe if I just stay up later, I’ll sleep later, and won’t have time to get lonely before I get out of bed. I didn’t realize until it doesn’t happen anymore how much I appreciated that H almost always woke up and ‘started the house’ in the morning. And because of waking up lonely, that’s probably why I seized the moment for a hug today. H wasn’t in the shower when I left, he was standing up, so I set my armload of stuff down and walked over. Of course, he looked away, but it almost seemed he started with both arms and then retracted.

But the hot off the press news, I just listened to home phone messages. There is a message, actually two messages, about a place that just came for rent that is set up for horses too. They were looking for H. I wrote it down on the message list. Maybe the answers I am looking will come now when H sees the phone message pad. After all, he was keeping an eye out for a place to move to.