On your home page. Designate a person in your address book by linking them from their screen name. Then when they are on they show up on under you address book.
Again great job on the raise!!!!!!!! PARTAH!!!!!
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
WCW- I was just wondering...do you ever go back to your posts from way back? I was just doing that today (because I'm spending WAY to much time thinking about my M ), and it's just so unreal how different I saw things just last year.
Akiwi – you always have such an interesting perspective, thanks. I will try and remember that next time.
Kml and amd – I just can’t bring me to do that. I sorta tried last week, but I couldn’t or chickened out. I have more painful memories of H and I in intimate settings and the virtual outcome than if I think about him and OW together. And finally, the last time I seduced him, until he could physically resist no longer, he made me suffer by his perfect timing of very hurtful words during the episode. I just can’t go back there again, I cry at the memory.
Aynesr – keep it up, based on the above paragraph, that’s a joke right? Serious though, I’ve been looking for progress for so long, maybe I am immune to it. Someone define progress.
Becca – maybe not so much an R talk as an ‘if you’re done, I’m done too’ talk. It’s almost out to the tip of my tongue so often lately, but I’ve bit it back. I’m just tired, and I have to decide if I’m too tired to keep going, or to tired to stop. Either way, it’s a lot of work ahead of me.
Always – am I ready to give permission? No. Not to the man that currently exists and shows himself to me. I think our current common space is more comfortable, which is being mistaken for progress. I say that because of a few things, mostly this unsettling feeling that is growing again, something is wrong. The other day I walked in the house and H had this Busted, I’m Guilty look on his face. I have learned to recognize that look, even though he is still the master of disguise and deception.
I’ve been waking up lonely lately, I thought I was over that, at least I was for awhile. I’ve been going to bed a little earlier, which means I still wake up after 4 or 5 or less hours of sleep. Maybe if I just stay up later, I’ll sleep later, and won’t have time to get lonely before I get out of bed. I didn’t realize until it doesn’t happen anymore how much I appreciated that H almost always woke up and ‘started the house’ in the morning. And because of waking up lonely, that’s probably why I seized the moment for a hug today. H wasn’t in the shower when I left, he was standing up, so I set my armload of stuff down and walked over. Of course, he looked away, but it almost seemed he started with both arms and then retracted.
But the hot off the press news, I just listened to home phone messages. There is a message, actually two messages, about a place that just came for rent that is set up for horses too. They were looking for H. I wrote it down on the message list. Maybe the answers I am looking will come now when H sees the phone message pad. After all, he was keeping an eye out for a place to move to.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
You are either fortunately or unfortunately under the same roof, and you are still M, so compared to some here - that is progress. I know it's hard to see status quo as progress but it is evidence of perseverence and neither of you have completely given up yet. That puts you so far down the road. One baby step closer every day. Congrats on the progress.
What's your funny feeling about? What do you think his "I'm busted" look is about? What does your gut say?
Could it be the rental place?
I'm crossing my fingers that the rental place message opens up a new avenue for you...whatever way it comes, you're strong to handle and I know it will be easier than this phase you've been in...it's been getting hard on you.
Best, and let us know what happens. Until then, you keep trucking. If there's one thing I can say...it's your house too...stop tip-toeing around him and not talking. Talk to him and engage, if he doesn't respond, just go about happily to something else and keep talking to him. Right now, he is affecting your normal social behavior...you wouldn't be that way with another roommate would you? Be comfortable in your space. It gives him comfort too.
Opti – I haven’t gone back for a while, but I do look at the calendar journal I’ve kept for a couple of years. From looking at that, I see a year ago we were a lot closer than we are now. Have you gone thru my threads? If you have, tell me what you see.
W2S – we are in the same house, and opinions differ on whether that is good or not. I’ve always felt it was best for us, but maybe not. It is irrelevant really though, because it’s history that can’t be changed. And, H has stated to me that me, the place, the livestock – none of that is enough to hold him at home. In fact, years ago before any of these recent events of 2 ½ years, he told me he was looking for a place to live when he came here. Pretty romantic guy, isn’t he? I will try to consider it progress, thanks.
A14 – the ‘busted’ look, contact with OW, he had his glasses on and was just slipping his phone back in his pocket. No proof, just speculation, but I’ve seen it before. Doesn’t matter. A few hours later he left for a couple hours.
The rental place – I watched his face as H read the message last night. His face turned red, but he ignored it, and asked about some of the other messages. We talked about that business, and as he was getting ready to leave again, I asked him about the place for rent, who he knew looking for a place or was it him? He said he didn’t know why they would be contacting him, he only offered to help them with some other items, but he didn’t have a very good mask on his face as he said this. As this jogged my memory, I do know this place was for sale for big bucks for not much of a place (makes my place look like a palace ), H had come home a while ago and told me these friends were moving and sold horses, etc. What I recall is that was around last fall, when he was ‘keeping an eye out’, and I think he left feelers out about renting it. What’s odd to me though is that they used the home phone instead of his cell phone, but that could be a slip up by them or his way of giving ME a wake up call. I don’t know, all speculation, and he denies any knowledge of why there would be two phone calls to him about renting it. However, it does give an opportunity for me to bring up more conversation…it’s time to start talking again. Just like last week, a spot of conversation about what is happening in the R and M, and even if it’s not the answers I want to hear, my shoulders start coming back up. Wish me luck!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Good luck!!! Honestly, I think it wasn't something that he did recently...something left over from last year. He was red in the face b/c he was as shocked as you, and shocked that he knew how it would look to you. I guess that's a good thing that he still gets flustered at what you might think? Right? Not total apathy.
Do use this to open something up....nothing major. GOOD LUCK!!!
PS--was BOW an EA or PA? It's hard to let go of EA friends when you're still feeling low and like life is a mess.
), and it's just so unreal how different I saw things just last year. 
), H had come home a while ago and told me these friends were moving and sold horses, etc. What I recall is that was around last fall, when he was ‘keeping an eye out’, and I think he left feelers out about renting it. What’s odd to me though is that they used the home phone instead of his cell phone, but that could be a slip up by them or his way of giving ME a wake up call. I don’t know, all speculation, and he denies any knowledge of why there would be two phone calls to him about renting it. However, it does give an opportunity for me to bring up more conversation…it’s time to start talking again. Just like last week, a spot of conversation about what is happening in the R and M, and even if it’s not the answers I want to hear, my shoulders start coming back up. Wish me luck! 
