Hanging on/The Long Haul #9

[WCW]

A few positives –
- We talk a little more, H will even start a conversation, once he even asked about my work in town.
- He has come home a little earlier a few evenings.
- I was laying on the floor in front of a heater soaking it up, and he plopped down between me and the heater to ‘protect’ me from the heat, asked how it felt, I said good, he was gone in a few seconds.
- Helped with a sick mule, I had a mandatory meeting and couldn’t be home, H took care of it, which isn’t unusual, but he communicated with me about it. That's unusual!
- The Love Seat episode – no, it’s not at all like that! But it’s where I ended up sitting to eat since H has turned the table into his office. Out of the whole house, he came and sat next to me on the ‘short couch’ and we ate together.

A few negatives –
- We both seem more ‘snippy’ with each other. H’s new lead in line “I’m not picking on you but….” And then I hear about all the things I don’t do right. I can’t even put water in the coffeepot correctly. But not a problem, he makes the coffee, I drink it.
- If he hears me walking anywhere close to him, he gets real jumpy, looking over his shoulder, like I might get too close and touch him or something. One night he about jumped into the food pantry when I went past.
- H has said he’s not showing a horse anymore, but a guy called about participating in a clinic with our horse, H was all excited to be selected and started thinking about rearranging the 3 places he is supposed to be that weekend in 3 different locations. And here’s a 180 for me, instead of keeping my yap shut or helping him figure it all out, I said why would you go spend the money and learn more about that when you’re done showing? End of conversation.
- Had a short financial talk, H talked about paying down on his line of credit, I said that was great, and the mortgage payment is due in a few days, would he have half? He kicked the ground, looked at me, stammered, and said he thought he might. Then he asked how much we owed on the place. 180 for him. I didn’t know the exact amount, gave him an approximate, we talked about the appraised value vs the payoff.

I’d really like to know what direction my life and marriage is headed. I was soooo close to saying/asking something in the last few days, but I haven’t. We haven’t had an R talk for months, but lately it seems like we touch on a subject and back away from it. Seems it must be on his mind too. And what I see from positives and negatives above, he is dancing back and forth with his thoughts and feelings just as I am.

Our most interesting conversation this week has been about the red spots on my back. H had some a while ago, and now I do. I commented it made no sense that we’d both get the same thing, we don’t sleep in the same place, we don’t share the wash machine or use the same soap, a whole list of how separate we are. He came back with what we do that is the same. Wow. He does think.

I’m a little sore today. Riding a horse yesterday, got a little rough, and I’ve got some pretty sore muscles after that ride. I won, I stayed on, and the nice horsey and I went for a ride, my way. And then, just to make up for a bad ride, I went for a nice relaxing ride on my favorite horse with all the dogs with me, thru the fields and woods and snow. Nice.

I heard this yesterday - It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission. Still thinking about just what that really means.