Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
Actually, I feel pretty good, almost some relief....but it's not been a good 14 hours for me. Last night H came home very late, it just irritates that he doesn't even have common courtesy enough to call. It shouldn't but it does, and he could tell.
What I did to try some relaxation was light some candles, soak in a bubble bath, and read a book. It's been a long time since I've done that, and it felt pretty dang good!! Until H came home. I could just feel my blood starting to boil with my irritation. When I finished I went back to the computer and watched some Olympics, H said hi and I said hi back. When I finished on the computer I just wanted to escape to bed without getting in a big argument, I really tried, but H came and sat down on the couch and said soandso says to tell you hi. I asked why they'd send that, or why he saw them, he said he didn't know why they'd say that but he saw them at a dog training class held at their house. Turns out all kinds of people told him that I was planning to take our newest dog to this 'herding training on livestock', so that's where he went. I had wanted to go, but things at home prevented it from happening. I can't explain why, maybe just too many of life's circumstances piled up, but I just couldn't stop my anger. I asked if his phone quit working. He said no. I said then courtesy would be that you would ask ME, call ME, tell ME where you were so late, and if you had all this information on where I was going to be from all these other sources, why didn't you just ask ME about it? He didn't answer, and I left for bed.
Did I sleep? NO! I laid awake until 4am, then got up to do some computer work that I didn't complete last night due to my boiling and wanting to get out of the room. When I walked in the living room, where the computer is and where H sleeps, he said good morning. I don't think he had a clue it was 4am. I completed a few necessary items, and went back to bed for half an hour before getting up for the day. I was still very upset, but calm enough to tell H that I know his decency and respect for this marriage was gone a long time ago, but I did think that courtesy while we still lived as roommates could be expected. He said nothing, then I told him about feeding instructions for the two new horses that came last night (that he arranged and I had to be home because he was not, so he knew I would not be going to a dog training class), and left for work.
I struggle more and more with 'do I treat him like he treats me, or do I treat him like I want to be treated?' I know what the answer is, but I am tired of everything. But then I asked and got encouragement from my good friend to do the right thing and tell H that I need to be at a meeting 30 minutes early tonight, rather than just being like him. Ok, I did call H to leave him a message about tonight. He answered his phone! ??? he seldom if ever answers when I call. I told him I had to be at the meeting 1/2 hour early, and if he wanted to carpool what time to be ready to leave by. He replied that he was arranging for some one to pick up something at home, I should have just shut my mouth, but I said "you're never home that early". He was very kind in his reply, and said he would have to see how his afternoon went if he would make it home in time and we would carpool to the meeting and then find out when the people would be picking up the stuff.
So, now what? probably nothing if I don't say anything more than I have. H won't say anything, he seems to be even more scared of an R talk than I am. But it is time. We need to get out of this 'in between marriages' we have been stuck in. The old marriage is gone in reality, it only exists on a piece of paper. I don't know if that paper is enough to start a new marriage between those same two people.
Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands Cause I can't do this all my own I'm letting go So give me one more chance To save me from this road I'm on
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
