Hanging on/The Long Haul #9

[WCW]

Kiwi, I need time to digest, I'll get back to you......

S&A - busted , pun intended. Guilty as charged.
And here's the joke for inquiring minds that want to know -
I talked to a lady yesterday that competed in the summer olympics, in swimming. Her event was the breast stroke. She didn't do well, it took her hours to finish long after everyone else was done. She finally got out of the water, exhausted, and went over to the judges. She said, I don't mean to be a whiner and complain, but all those other ladies used their arms!!!!

[WCW]

Kiwi, I hope the worst part of your day is now behind you. Pretty soon it should be warm enough where you live and you'll be back on your chick magnet and feeling great again.

First off, no you are not overstepping any bounds. Heck, there aren't any! I gotta get hit pretty hard....

Mostly, what I see and pick out of what you said, is reinforcing what I am working on. Me, me, me!!! It's taken me so long to get into that frame of mind, it's coming bigger and better, I will be me again!

Honestly, she must be really great if he has had 2 years to jump ship and he hasn't yet.

Ouch! but you're right. she must be great at something to get her XH and my H too! the tangled web she weaves.

The benefit of having a roommate is that I know there will be someone left at home to do chores for while I'm gone on the upcoming trips I am planning.

I did have a bit of PMA crunch when I got email from the show secretary where I've been traveling with my horse to get National points in a Regional district. She's not hosting 'my event' any longer. So that means if I want to continue showing for National Association points I'm going to have to go further than the 500 miles one way I've already been traveling. Yuck. But on the bright side, I'll either get to see more country and meet more people, or I'll find a different event to compete with this horse, and still get to see more country and meet more people. Doesn't sound like I lose either way. And maybe I'll just take time off from competing and do some recreational rides around the states to places I want to visit or revisit... so much to do so little time.

[WCW]

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

Actually, I feel pretty good, almost some relief....but it's not been a good 14 hours for me. Last night H came home very late, it just irritates that he doesn't even have common courtesy enough to call. It shouldn't but it does, and he could tell.

What I did to try some relaxation was light some candles, soak in a bubble bath, and read a book. It's been a long time since I've done that, and it felt pretty dang good!! Until H came home. I could just feel my blood starting to boil with my irritation. When I finished I went back to the computer and watched some Olympics, H said hi and I said hi back. When I finished on the computer I just wanted to escape to bed without getting in a big argument, I really tried, but H came and sat down on the couch and said soandso says to tell you hi. I asked why they'd send that, or why he saw them, he said he didn't know why they'd say that but he saw them at a dog training class held at their house. Turns out all kinds of people told him that I was planning to take our newest dog to this 'herding training on livestock', so that's where he went. I had wanted to go, but things at home prevented it from happening. I can't explain why, maybe just too many of life's circumstances piled up, but I just couldn't stop my anger. I asked if his phone quit working. He said no. I said then courtesy would be that you would ask ME, call ME, tell ME where you were so late, and if you had all this information on where I was going to be from all these other sources, why didn't you just ask ME about it? He didn't answer, and I left for bed.

Did I sleep? NO! I laid awake until 4am, then got up to do some computer work that I didn't complete last night due to my boiling and wanting to get out of the room. When I walked in the living room, where the computer is and where H sleeps, he said good morning. I don't think he had a clue it was 4am. I completed a few necessary items, and went back to bed for half an hour before getting up for the day. I was still very upset, but calm enough to tell H that I know his decency and respect for this marriage was gone a long time ago, but I did think that courtesy while we still lived as roommates could be expected. He said nothing, then I told him about feeding instructions for the two new horses that came last night (that he arranged and I had to be home because he was not, so he knew I would not be going to a dog training class), and left for work.

I struggle more and more with 'do I treat him like he treats me, or do I treat him like I want to be treated?' I know what the answer is, but I am tired of everything. But then I asked and got encouragement from my good friend to do the right thing and tell H that I need to be at a meeting 30 minutes early tonight, rather than just being like him. Ok, I did call H to leave him a message about tonight. He answered his phone! ??? he seldom if ever answers when I call. I told him I had to be at the meeting 1/2 hour early, and if he wanted to carpool what time to be ready to leave by. He replied that he was arranging for some one to pick up something at home, I should have just shut my mouth, but I said "you're never home that early". He was very kind in his reply, and said he would have to see how his afternoon went if he would make it home in time and we would carpool to the meeting and then find out when the people would be picking up the stuff.

So, now what? probably nothing if I don't say anything more than I have. H won't say anything, he seems to be even more scared of an R talk than I am. But it is time. We need to get out of this 'in between marriages' we have been stuck in. The old marriage is gone in reality, it only exists on a piece of paper. I don't know if that paper is enough to start a new marriage between those same two people.

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

[Again!]

Do onto others ....

[optimist2004]

So when your mouth slip a little and when you put your foot down he reacts concilitorily (not actually a word I'm sure)? When you exhibit the patience of Jobe (nope-don't know how to spell that either)he gives you the cold shoulder? Is this right?

So what do you make of that?

[WCW]

So what do you make of that?

Maybe I don't get the question, but what I figure is that he has no emotion either way. He doesn't care enough that it matters to him what I do or how I feel. I think he's just hanging out until he can tell that I am shut down enough that it won't be quite so painful for me, which would somehow make it less painful for him. But then tonight he shows up earlier than I expected at home, ended up waiting for me to be ready to leave together, brings me a cookie from the snack table - well, after he saw that another guy had already brought me french fries and chocolate (sigh), and was generally his kind self for the evening. Yes, tomorrow is another new day. A Thursday. What will Thursday evening be like? ugh.

Do unto others...... what will that get me? revenge? I might feel better for the moment, but not for the long haul.

Virginia, I am sorry we are in the same boat. But you still love your H. That's different. Akiwi asked how saying what I said helped me get closer to my goal. My goals have changed over the last months,year.....I always wanted to reconcile with H, be a success story, have a long wonderful lovely life with him. If that is still an option, I'll work on it, but he's gonna have to kick his butt in gear here PDQ. My current goal - resolution. Something has to change, this isn't how I want to live my life.

More sleep would be good.

[optimist2004]

what I figure is that he has no emotion either way. He doesn't care enough that it matters to him what I do or how I feel. I think he's just hanging out until he can tell that I am shut down enough that it won't be quite so painful for me, which would somehow make it less painful for him.

Of course, I don't know what your interactions with H really are, objectively. I only understand the situation from your posts. But, based on your previous posts, I'd say your above quote is just out of anger-a defense mechanism. That's the kind of thing we all say when we are frustrated and tired and hurt. "He just doesn't give a sh!t either way." But, you know that he does care, at least to some extent.

It just seems to me, from your posts, that when you put your best efforts forward to be patient, open, caring, regardless of how he treats you, he acts coldly. But, when you post that you let yourself slip and make these comments that you think you shouldn't, you also post that he reacts by showing you more caring (coming home early, bringing you a cookie, carpooling, etc.)

Sooo, if I was to apply DB principles based only on your posts, I'd say "do what works." And if that is letting your anger show or whatever you are doing presently, then maybe that's what works. But, again, no one can understand your sitch the way you do.

The slightly less enthusiastic DBer in me says, I am glad by golly that you are getting to the point where your main goal is not to get H back, period. It is begining to be to get resolution to your situation, whatever that might be. So, when that is really your goal, I say go for it!

Horse therapy sounds so good right now. You know I have 8 hours of vacation time I have to use by May 1...

[AKiwiWannabe]

I like what optimist has to say.

Also, there is that issue of setting boundaries on what you consider acceptable and respectful behavior. Of course, there are ways to set those boundaries that don't involve anger or demands. I'd very much recommend reading "Love Busters". Personally, I think that if you can set those boundaries without making angry demands it can cause the other person to have respect for you. I don't think you can love someone whom you don't respect.

[WCW]

Opti – you just let me know when on the horse therapy. I’ve got a ton of time to burn as well, and just hired someone part time to start here next week, so it will be easier to get that time off !!! (but yuck, training…) I can load up and head your direction, lot’s of cool places to ride ‘wayupnortdar’, we can meet in the middle, or you can head down by me, whatever works best for you, and I’ll make it work too! Cool! I am excited!! You weren’t joking were you? You want an English or Western saddle? That big Appendix gelding makes an English saddle look like a spec from a fly. Also, www.midwesthorsefair.com is in April, it’s a fantastic 3 day event featuring anything and everything you can think of to do with horses. I’ll be there too, but we wouldn’t have time to ride there.

Alright, on to not so fun stuff….. I admit, I let H get to me, again. Along with that, my statement to him was long overdue, and I am glad I told him. I didn’t raise my voice, I just stated the obvious facts. His lack of response to what I say or do, and how I feel I don’t think is a defense mechanism. I’m just seeing it black and white and taking out the rosy picture. I’ve done that for too long already. Just face it, WCW, the facts. Is there a touch of he’s ‘too scared of me to talk to me’? Maybe, but I don’t know, and I perceive it as no concern rather than scared. Until I see something different, I gotta go with how I feel it.

Funny, your comment “when I post something” and his response to it, doesn’t it just seem like he’s reading along here? Gut feeling again.

Acceptable and respectful behavior, it’s a fine line between making a demand and setting a limit. I’m not into demands or ultimatums, but there does need to be some limits as to what I will continue to tolerate. I won’t just lay on the floor anymore covering up dirt in this marriage. Yesterday, my shoulders started coming back up just a bit, the sag and slouch was leaving, I felt better because I SAID something to H about my opinion of how I see things. And that’s not bad.

Time for resolution, what made me get here? - my attitude, moving me and my happiness up the scale of what is most important in my life. Feeling strong enough to think about accepting the circumstances. Being at this for so long that I’ve been getting pieces in place to move on without H in my life. An honest statement here – I will go thru a ton of hurt and pain if or when this all comes crashing down to a horrific end, I know that, but I also know the acute pain I will endure will not last for the rest of my life like it will in this R&M if I do nothing at all. Also notice, these statements are all very tentative in nature. I’m not all done, I’m just looking at it from nothing has worked for so long, I need to get a new perch to view it from. Here’s a thought, I’m not piecing our marriage back together – I am Piecing My Life Back Together. Where’s that forum?

[optimist2004]

You weren’t joking were you? You want an English or Western saddle? That big Appendix gelding makes an English saddle look like a spec from a fly.

I'm thinking about it. I'd love to get on a big thoroughbred cross. I'm more comfortable in english than western, but I found the perfect saddle in an Australian stock saddle with the flanges and no horn (kept me on the arab cross I rode as a teenager). My mom still has that saddle. It's her baby. It has cut away withers and might work on a thoroughbred, I don't know. Gosh it's been atleast 7 or 8 years since I've been on a horse!

I never mentioned that the riding lessons for S3 didn't work out. The third time we tried, he just got all weepy for some reason-I think he was just really cold. Actually the trainer suggested we let it go until summer and then see if he's more into it when it isn't so cold. So I still have the lessons package with her waiting to be used. There is a Yoga for kids activity coming up on Saturday mornings and I think I'm going to try that out with S3 soon.

I guess I am totally into extracurricular stuff, but my S is only 3 and I'm way ahead of him. I just want to start out sharing something with him so I have my time in when he hits the teenage I-don't-want-to-be-seen-with-you phase.