Hanging on/The Long Haul #9

[AKiwiWannabe]

Kiwi, thanks for jumping in with your perspective. You’ve been here with me from the start, thanks buddy. I sure appreciate it when you swing by. How did it go last week?

Mediation is actually in about an hour. And it is going to be a bloodbath. She wants everything I have and her millionaire father has funded her lawyers. I really have no recourse. She's basically going to wipe me out. All of this from a woman who cheated on me multiple times, is still living in my house with her OM, and from what people are telling me is very likely pregnant by OM. Marriage in "no fault"/equitable distribution states is a complete scam. Let's just say that I've pretty much had it with the marriage thing for a while and leave it at that.

him. But much of it is what HE has created (sleeping arrangements, clothes, excluding me, etc…), sure I’ve done my share on contributing I admit. He also knows and I have told him in the past that I am open and willing to work on this, and it will take much hard work from both of us to change anything. In any direction. What is the path of least resistance? To just leave things the way they are. Does that make him happy? No, I don’t think so, but it’s his choice on how he can find what makes him happy. And if it’s not me and our life, shouldn’t he be man enough pretty soon to say so? Or I should be woman enough?

Do you think that the blaming thing is holding back progress? I know that it is really tempting to assign fault but I'm not sure that now is the best time to do that. It doesn't move you toward letting go of the anger and then perhaps moving toward reconciliation. Maybe after you reconcile you guys can each sit down and take the blame for your contribution. For now, can you think of a way to let the blame thing go? I think doing so might help even in your day-to-day interactions. Remember, he seems to be looking for ways to make this a nagging/critical/unsupportive W thing. If you are upset with him and hurting, I'm sure that it colors your interactions.

just like he was with a horse he used to ride. The horse would flinch, H would tighten up, the horse would feel it, and bunch up, H would get tighter, the horse would be ready to buck for the NFR, and H would get mad at the horse… H knows how that was.

Using your analogy, someone is going to have to relax. In your situation, I think that's going to have to be you. That's why taking care of yourself, as an individual, is so important.

Cop out – explain this some more. Am I copping out? Or is he?

I meant that it might be a cop-out on his part. He can continue whatever it is that he is doing with OW by immediately turning the tables and assigning the blame for the situation to you. And you back down because you don't want a fight. But don't put too much stock in that.

have I EVER gotten to the point to tell HIM I think I can forgive all of this? No, I tell myself that I can, but I have never seized an opportunity to even try and tell him that. Stubborn? Proud? Yes, I am, geez, German and blond too! But it that what he needs to hear before he can talk to me again? Is that HE needs to trust me, to not fear repercussion? And how do I just say that?

Don't say. Do. What can you do to make yourself happy? To take care of yourself? Would, in your mind, giving the old relationship/marriage up for dead allow you to get past the hurt and get to a healthier place? I'm not saying leave or be mean or neglect him, but you've been struggling for so long. When is it time to give up on trying to give the old marriage CPR, focus on getting yourself into a good place, and then hope that something new and good will blossom out of your new attitude but not *needing* that to happen? In the meantime, can you consider him just a roommate? A friend with benefits(hopefully, someday ).

emotionally anymore. Something I told H a couple years ago, was that I did have to start putting me first, making me a priority in my life. He said he felt the same way, that’s what he had to do too for himself, and at the time his priority was BOW, but I didn’t know it. Sh!t, there I go again, bringing her up. How do I let go of talking about her?

Don't tell him what you are going to do. Do it. If you do it for yourself, he'll notice. *Take care of yourself* but be open to him if he chooses to open up to you again. As for her, to hell with her. Honestly, she must be really great if he has had 2 years to jump ship and he hasn't yet. You're a good person, WCW. Do what you can to improve yourself...keep the good, fix the bad...and do what you need to do to be healthy and happy. After all of this time, there's probably not much you can do to change his mind except take care of yourself.

Do you think that’s what he thinks?

In my not so humble opinion, I think that that is what he wants to think. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. As long as you are on eggshells around him, he knows he can bluff you into backing off by playing the nagging/critical/lack of support card. In doing so, he is pushing you way. Get judo on him. GAL, take care of yourself, go from him pushing you away to you moving toward things that make you happy.

Did I screw up again by backing off? Could he actually be disappointed? Or grateful? We never touched in a sexual way, or what I think would be, we just touched.

Maybe. Maybe not. Eggshells, WCW.

What I am doing is trying to bring ME back to the person I was, a happy responsible reliable trustworthy person that is fun to be with.

Excellent. I'll bet everyone here is looking forward to hearing about your adventures with your new life and your new roommate! You deserve it!

Phoenix, thanks for the 2nd on what Kiwi says. The young whipper snapper seems to make sense, doesn’t he?

Thanks, WCW. I often think that I might be overstepping my bounds. What the hell do I know? Just a 30 something with a failed marriage. Not exactly an authority on all of this. But I guess that I'm on the other side of the limbo now and looking back and trying to share with you the things that I think would have helped me.

Well, mediation is in 5 minutes. Wish me luck.