Kiwi, thanks for jumping in with your perspective. You’ve been here with me from the start, thanks buddy. I sure appreciate it when you swing by. How did it go last week?

Yeah, this girlfriend got way too intense for me, I had to break away. It did get to be almost ghoulish, you are correct, and thanks for reinforcing that feeling I had. You’re good!!

Keeping calm. I told someone else it’s like a duck, floating smoothly across the water while paddling like mad under the surface. Actually though, a very dear friend finally got thru to me in a way that I could finally understand detachment, in his words, less consumed. Just a slight change of wording, but it worked for me in a way I could deal with. Thanks, aynesr. Just for that, you have been a bigger help than I can explain.

Alright, Kiwi, you can pee on the rainbow, just don’t hit the pot of gold! Eewww. I’d make you help me clean it up you know! Pronto!!! Now it’s all very true, what I write is my idea and my perception of the R, but that’s all I have to go on. Yes, he is unhappy with me and at home, I would be too if I were him. But much of it is what HE has created (sleeping arrangements, clothes, excluding me, etc…), sure I’ve done my share on contributing I admit. He also knows and I have told him in the past that I am open and willing to work on this, and it will take much hard work from both of us to change anything. In any direction. What is the path of least resistance? To just leave things the way they are. Does that make him happy? No, I don’t think so, but it’s his choice on how he can find what makes him happy. And if it’s not me and our life, shouldn’t he be man enough pretty soon to say so? Or I should be woman enough?

How we interact. I stole this off bravagal thread, but she said it so well. “Here is the problem. I do feel hurt and therefore do what I have always done in these situations: withdraw. He feels like he has disappointed me and hurt me and feels guilty. So HE shuts down too! Conversation becomes a bit reduced and stiff. And we are both feeling sorry for ourselves and disconnected.” My H and I have always had this problem and known this and have never fixed it. I’ve tried very hard not to withdraw and shutdown during this, but it does become impossible at times. I’ve even compared and told H that he and I are just like he was with a horse he used to ride. The horse would flinch, H would tighten up, the horse would feel it, and bunch up, H would get tighter, the horse would be ready to buck for the NFR, and H would get mad at the horse… H knows how that was.

More romance by being romantic – whew, you know how scary it is to reach for this? I was SO surprised that Saturday’s events happened at all, and progressed to the point we did. Did I really chicken out? Or reason that safe is better, just try and enjoy being close, the rejection isn’t as big or quite as hard to deal with. The results were more than I expected or even ready for myself, maybe H is more receptive than I have been ready to admit. Am I so tired of baby steps that I’m ignoring them? I’m racing ahead to see what’s at the finish line rather than pacing myself on the backstretch.

Cop out – explain this some more. Am I copping out? Or is he? Or are we both? Probably both is what I see. I really do think I have tried very hard to keep sharing with him until this last big setback. I don’t anymore. I did try to draw him into conversations to ask me about anything, and he just doesn’t, and to me that means he doesn’t care and he is too preoccupied with……… And yes, his cop out is that he doesn’t trust me to share his feelings with me. Give me a break. I’d like to say just grow up and look in the mirror, and talk to yourself until you understand what I have been going thru for over two years, and you say YOU don’t trust ME. But yet, have I EVER gotten to the point to tell HIM I think I can forgive all of this? No, I tell myself that I can, but I have never seized an opportunity to even try and tell him that. Stubborn? Proud? Yes, I am, geez, German and blond too! But it that what he needs to hear before he can talk to me again? Is that HE needs to trust me, to not fear repercussion? And how do I just say that?

In between marriages, again – wow, you’re right. I’m only married on paper right now. We’re roommates, but I’m not married in a physical sense, or emotionally anymore. Something I told H a couple years ago, was that I did have to start putting me first, making me a priority in my life. He said he felt the same way, that’s what he had to do too for himself, and at the time his priority was BOW, but I didn’t know it. Sh!t, there I go again, bringing her up. How do I let go of talking about her?

Afraid I was going to nail him? Could be he was. I think that’s how I started out, figured if he wouldn’t ‘put out’ it would be my chance to bring up a talk about R and M and the future of us. But no, I don’t think I was out to punish him for anything. Do you think that’s what he thinks? Did I screw up again by backing off? Could he actually be disappointed? Or grateful? We never touched in a sexual way, or what I think would be, we just touched.

Is what I am doing now trying to bring them back? Quite honestly, no. What I am doing is trying to bring ME back to the person I was, a happy responsible reliable trustworthy person that is fun to be with. If that brings the simple times, the better times back, and leads us into the future, I should be ecstatic, right? Why do I feel like something is missing? I do admit there has been some change in the last few weeks, at least we’ve got past most of the tension of just being in each others presence. That sure makes being roommates easier. And really, most of the rest of my life has been going pretty decent, so I’m not near as doom and gloom as it seems when I talk about this R and M. Geez, that’s not good either is it.

Phoenix, thanks for the 2nd on what Kiwi says. The young whipper snapper seems to make sense, doesn’t he?

Anyone following the Olympics? Ice skating looks so easy. We used to load up the kids and go pay $1 each to go skate for a few hours on weekend afternoons. Nice family time. I figured it was a success if I stayed upright the whole session!

Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.