I got email from a friend last week, the lady that I talked to a lot when this all started. She’s still pretty hurt that I don’t confide in her anymore, and I’ve told her many times my reasons. We’re still friends, it’s just changed back to the friendship we had before I dumped my guts to her, but periodically she emails this big long deal and yadayada woe is me you don’t tell me everything anymore. I responded with the following - As for my personal life, I just couldn't let it consume me to the point it was by talking about it every hour of every day. Someday, depending on what direction this all goes, I may need that again for a while. Another words, nothing is better, nothing is worse, well - maybe worse, I don't even know. I know it would be a lot easier to just call it quits than it will be if H ever decides he will recommit to this marriage. And I don't know how much longer I will last with the way things are. I am tired and weary of trying, yet growing stronger as a single unit. Sometimes I think, what am I waiting for? just get it done. Sometimes, I think, what else is in my future? why not just let it ride. I am working more on me, finding things that make me happy again, and H can take it or leave it. I can't change him, and I still don't love the person he is at this stage in his life. Maybe I never will again. It's the facts that I am facing.
Something about this makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe I'm just paranoid from the ways that I was burnt by "friends" in my situation but she seems a bit ghoulish...wanting to be involved in your situation like that. I'd be very careful about what I told her if I were you. And, yes, I have to agree with you. Sometimes it's better for friends to *not* want to talk about it with you. It makes it too easy to dwell on things if people are always asking about your situation.
But you seem to be doing much better about thinking things through but keeping calm as of late. Good job. Looking back on my situation, that's a really important step for your health and any chance of repairing the R. Good job, WCW.
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I’ve been thinking a LOT lately. Surprised? About my life, past/present/future. What I’ve come up with is that H and I are very compatible physically, and by that I don’t mean just in the bedroom (I think we are anyway, he has lashed out and said other ideas that I haven't recovered from), we have common interests in hobbies, business and can work hard and side by side in a physical way, we can spend a ton of time together physically, have great times together in each others physical presence, have in depth conversations and reconcile differences or agree to disagree on organizations and groups we volunteer and support. All great stuff.
I don't mean to pee on your rainbow but I want to throw something out there. This is *your* view of the situation. Something is different about how he views things. I'm not saying that he is right or wrong...just that you wouldn't be where you are right now if you both shared this assessment. He is unhappy about something. If it isn't the particulars of the situation it's something about the way the two of your interact or it's MLC or it's some combination. It might be really hard to not focus on what you are missing right now but keeping your ears open for clues as to what *he* is missing... You know? The whole "Get more romance by being more romantic" reciprocation thing? But that's not to say that, whatever it is, you can do anything about it.
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But we have fallen apart in the ability to support each other emotionally, verbally, talk about our needs, fill our dreams. It’s not there now, and hasn't been for a long time, even were falling apart even before the Big Fall, which explains so much. H told me that my actions after learning of his actions prevent him from sharing any of his feelings and thoughts with me, he doesn’t trust me, and he’s held hardy to that policy. He says nothing of what he does day to day, of the plans that he makes, of what he has decided, and if I try to ask he gets very defensive and it’s none of my business. He asks nothing about me, what I do, how I feel, how is my day. I tested this on Saturday with asking him some questions about some future business plans, I thought that was a neutral subject we could discuss. There is no daily support of each other, none of the casual, how are you today or how was your day? I also realize that I don’t know how to ask for what I want, what I need. It isn’t just now, it’s been how I have always been. I struggle with putting what I want ahead of anything else. Not all the time, but most often. I know I am wrong to make the assumption that someone will just know or care enough to just put me first, but wouldn’t it be just grand? To be someone’s priority. Well, it ain’t gonna happen.
You've mentioned that before, WCW. It really sounds like it could be a cop out to me. Maybe he really truly feels that he can't open up to you for fear of repurcussions. I know that you've struggled with being very angry at him sometimes. Not that that is bad or not normal. Or, maybe, it's just a ploy so that he can keep doing what he is doing...EA and whatever else. Either way, it seems that your best bet is to just focus on getting yourself happy and content without him.
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So, what do I do for me? Part of my reflecting and drifting back thru my life has brought to the surface, again, that I was at the happiest point of my adult life when I was in between marriages. Doesn’t that sound horrible? It’s a long story of how I got to be that single happy person. And that is most likely why I attracted a guy that I assumed I would be so compatible with for the rest of my life. Why am I married now if my happiest time was when I was single? I am looking for the answer to that question, and taking a long time to figure it out.
You're between marriages right now. You guys are functioning as roommates. If you are at all like me, you were happy when single because you were taking care of yourself. You put yourself first. And then, at some point, because this is what married people are "supposed to do", you may have started putting your H's priorities first. Or at least what you *thought* were his priorities. Again, if you are anything like me, that can make you very unhappy pretty quickly and start a cycle of "Well, we're not happy. I'll try to make H happier and then he will reciprocate and I'll be happier". But if you try to guess what makes him happy, rather than asking, you do a lot of work and don't improve the situation at all and then get more stressed. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. That's that whole LL thing again.
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on my back, napped a little, he let me lay close enough to touch him, all less than 30 minutes, and he was gone. And now here I am writing this and feeling bitter because I am thinking how lucky and fortunate that he would ALLOW this much to happen, that he would give this much to me, and then I think, WAIT A MINUTE! Who left the marriage? Who walked and found pleasure somewhere else? WTF am I doing, thinking thanks for how lucky I am he let me lay close to him? This morning I was so very close to asking him ‘what did you think on Saturday, did you expect more? Or were you disappointed?’ I chickened out. Now I have to vacuum feathers again.
This sounds very much like him dipping his toe in the water. That's really great that you were able to *approach* physical intimacy. It sounds like he is very skittish. Afraid that you are going to nail him if you don't get what you need. And that's sort of how you reacted, no? You got a little bit of good stuff and then wanted to punish him, no? That would have been a "Love Buster". I think you made a *really* good call in *not* nailing him or starting a R talk. But, you know, people pick up on your internal thoughts. You just can't hide body language completely. I'm sure that he sensed you were uneasy. If there's a way to change your outlook...to just enjoy the moment when they are good and not worry about it when they aren't...you'll be happier and you'll give off better vibes.
Hang in there, WCW. It's hard when you are right there in the middle of it but it seems like there is some thawing happening these past few weeks. Please, when you start having those bad thoughts about what you aren't getting, "Stop sign! Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the moment."
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Where have those simple times gone?
But more importantly, is what I'm doing now helping me try to bring them back?
Keep your chin up, WCW. Your doing a good job but could do better by trying to see the positive side of things and practicing the thought-stopping.
