Hanging on/The Long Haul #9

[WCW]

Here’s a 2 cupper, fill it up with your favorite brew and have a seat.

I got email from a friend last week, the lady that I talked to a lot when this all started. She’s still pretty hurt that I don’t confide in her anymore, and I’ve told her many times my reasons. We’re still friends, it’s just changed back to the friendship we had before I dumped my guts to her, but periodically she emails this big long deal and yadayada woe is me you don’t tell me everything anymore. I responded with the following -
As for my personal life, I just couldn't let it consume me to the point it was by talking about it every hour of every day. Someday, depending on what direction this all goes, I may need that again for a while. Another words, nothing is better, nothing is worse, well - maybe worse, I don't even know. I know it would be a lot easier to just call it quits than it will be if H ever decides he will recommit to this marriage. And I don't know how much longer I will last with the way things are. I am tired and weary of trying, yet growing stronger as a single unit. Sometimes I think, what am I waiting for? just get it done. Sometimes, I think, what else is in my future? why not just let it ride. I am working more on me, finding things that make me happy again, and H can take it or leave it. I can't change him, and I still don't love the person he is at this stage in his life. Maybe I never will again. It's the facts that I am facing.

I’ve been thinking a LOT lately. Surprised? About my life, past/present/future. What I’ve come up with is that H and I are very compatible physically, and by that I don’t mean just in the bedroom (I think we are anyway, he has lashed out and said other ideas that I haven't recovered from), we have common interests in hobbies, business and can work hard and side by side in a physical way, we can spend a ton of time together physically, have great times together in each others physical presence, have in depth conversations and reconcile differences or agree to disagree on organizations and groups we volunteer and support. All great stuff.

But we have fallen apart in the ability to support each other emotionally, verbally, talk about our needs, fill our dreams. It’s not there now, and hasn't been for a long time, even were falling apart even before the Big Fall, which explains so much. H told me that my actions after learning of his actions prevent him from sharing any of his feelings and thoughts with me, he doesn’t trust me, and he’s held hardy to that policy. He says nothing of what he does day to day, of the plans that he makes, of what he has decided, and if I try to ask he gets very defensive and it’s none of my business. He asks nothing about me, what I do, how I feel, how is my day. I tested this on Saturday with asking him some questions about some future business plans, I thought that was a neutral subject we could discuss. There is no daily support of each other, none of the casual, how are you today or how was your day? I also realize that I don’t know how to ask for what I want, what I need. It isn’t just now, it’s been how I have always been. I struggle with putting what I want ahead of anything else. Not all the time, but most often. I know I am wrong to make the assumption that someone will just know or care enough to just put me first, but wouldn’t it be just grand? To be someone’s priority. Well, it ain’t gonna happen.

So, what do I do for me? Part of my reflecting and drifting back thru my life has brought to the surface, again, that I was at the happiest point of my adult life when I was in between marriages. Doesn’t that sound horrible? It’s a long story of how I got to be that single happy person. And that is most likely why I attracted a guy that I assumed I would be so compatible with for the rest of my life. Why am I married now if my happiest time was when I was single? I am looking for the answer to that question, and taking a long time to figure it out.

Saturday was frigid and brutal cold here, we both worked outside most of the morning. The way the day shook out is that H took his morning shower early afternoon. I mustered up some courage and went and poked my head in and asked if he wanted company, he said ‘oh, I thought the company was all gone’ and changed the subject. I closed the curtain and went and vaccuumed. But there are some things I need to know, do I still have a physical desire for him? Do I have the feelings I need to continue? I followed his with my own shower, and then lead H to the bedroom, he was very wary the whole time, and we went to bed together. My first surprise was that he allowed this much to happen. My original intent was that if he rejected me again that would be the lead to an R talk. Once we were in bed I changed my thoughts (or chickened out), and reasoned that if he doesn’t feel safe to be with me, then I shouldn’t force that much, so we mostly just laid in bed and he inspected the red spots on my back, napped a little, he let me lay close enough to touch him, all less than 30 minutes, and he was gone. And now here I am writing this and feeling bitter because I am thinking how lucky and fortunate that he would ALLOW this much to happen, that he would give this much to me, and then I think, WAIT A MINUTE! Who left the marriage? Who walked and found pleasure somewhere else? WTF am I doing, thinking thanks for how lucky I am he let me lay close to him? This morning I was so very close to asking him ‘what did you think on Saturday, did you expect more? Or were you disappointed?’ I chickened out. Now I have to vacuum feathers again.

Sunday was another very cold day, single digit temps for a high. H was outside most of the day until we left for a meeting. I stayed in and worked on some spreadsheet stuff, and remembered the warm days of when he first moved here to be with me. We had a lunch date every Tuesday. I picked up fast food burgers, 3 for $1.00, and some fries, and we had a picnic lunch together. Where have those simple times gone?