Hi there!! Got your post on my thread. I've been taking a bit of a break, but still do the "lurk 'n learn" bit--I sure do need it. Things are going well.

I just read up on your things and I'm really glad for your progress: feeling your emotions, letting yourself think about the history and what your visions are--it is from this that your goals are made. Though it's hard to see while in the trenches and so close, I'm also glad for the gradual warming from your H--small but sincere.

I really admire your wisdom and strength. BUT, I may have to disagree with your thoughts that H will leave if you bring up R (I'm not suggesting that you bring it up). In all honesty, I think what you've been through together and what you're going through now is the hardest of times. After 2 years, it seems that sentiment would have worn off, left with not a whole lot to stick around for. Lots of anger (or "loathing" as my H put it), resentment, wounds, etc. In the words of my C, "if he really wanted to leave, he would have left by now." He doesn't really go to HUGE lengths to avoid you, though he is cold. I really think he does not want to leave the M, but is stuck, much as you are. Really, his life now is not easy and painless (sleeping on the couch, avoiding a person through the day, dreading the guilt and pain when you face them, dreading seeing them so sad and patient, etc)...leaving would certainly be the easy way out and he hasn't done that yet. So, since only YOU know your H, what do you think keeps him around? It's probably not as shallow as you might think.

I see 2 people in their corners, hurt and angry. Probably wanting the same thing, but not knowing how to climb out of the hole. Maybe it's time for something different. Something to break the ice, to reach out and make the hard part easier for both of you...to strike while he's still drawn to being at home. Who knows what will come of it. Maybe this is a window of opportunity as well.

There's a really good conversation going on Slowly's and RabbitHole's threads about breaking the ice and authentic communication, etc. I know it's about talking R, but in a different way. I hope I'm not coming off too strong, but it might be something to try...the last conversations you had with H seem a while ago, and both of you are holding yourselves to how you felt then, but things have changed. This might be a chance to let each other know that.

If I've overstepped bounds, please accept my apologies!!!