Hanging on/The Long Haul #9

[c1t]

Hi WCW

If your H is anything like mine issuing him with an ultimatum will not work in your favour..
With my H its about being in control of his life and his own situation and decisions.

Any ultimatums or pressure I have ever put on my H has gone against me and just made me feel worse..

But everyone is different. Some people need ultimatums to make decisions but with my H I no this is the worst thing I can do...

U are the only one who really knows your H and what he is like. Go with how you feel on this..

As long as you can cope and continue at the moment then stick to it.. Take each day as it comes....

When you ready to give your H an ultimatum then you will..

c1t

[WCW]

Very pretty this morning, fresh soft snow. And I am so lonely, geez, it hurts. Just a simple hug would go such a long ways.....no, I won't trap him into one.

c1t - If I wanted to proceed with a D, then I would issue an ultimatum, and stick to it. He would be gone in an instant. I am 99.99999% sure of that.

My night last night, I got 'caught'. I had some old record albums playing, and H came home a little earlier than he has been, I didn't shut it down, and I didn't quit croaking along, I kept doing what I was doing. I said hi, and he did, but his face looked so bad last night, I felt sad for him. I made a few light remarks and jokes, and he was okay, but that was about it for the night. He laid down on the couch pretty early, and a little later I went to bed as well. We both had a tough night, he was up at least 3 or 4 times that I was aware of, lights on, in and out of the house, not sure what was going on with him. This morning we didn't talk about, I would be surprised if we had. I did ask him to send me a phone number for a lady I need to contact, and he has txtd me twice with her home and work numbers already this morning.

Something else struck me this week, when I LOOKED at a past picture of me - I looked GOOD in that picture, and ironically, my hair style is in process of returning to that style again, I hope my facial expression follows too. Man, I sure looked happy! I am playing old record albums, from a time that I liked. I am somewhat going back to who I was, the woman who I was before I let H consume me. It's not all so bad. I also sent H a schedule I have set up for a few activities at our place, thru October. That's a long ways away when you live your life day by day. He didn't respond, but he sent me an email about something else coming up. It struck me odd last night, we sit 10 feet apart in the same house, and we communicate by email. How is that?

Lots of stuff going on over the next days, GAL to stay busy, some with H, most of it not.

Funny day full of stories going around at work today. Cool! Still smiling about something!

[WCW]

It's just not fair. One of they guys that works here walks in and asks me for a phone number for a nearby fantasuite hotel. I look it all up for him, print him off the page, he's telling me how he's taking his wife out for Valentines and a romantic getaway, need a room with a private whirlpool..... aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwggggggg!!!!!!

[WCW]

Okay, I survived Friday and all the guys at work talking about what they are doing for their wives....... pretty downer day. Friday night was the scheduled night for me to ride along with H to his last appointment to some friends, and then stay for dinner. I had so much anxiety about getting in his pickup truck with him, it was unreal. I mean, literally sick to my stomach, there's my gut talking to me again. I haven't been in his truck since......???? and I didn't like the feeling I had being there, and wondered who else has been there. On the drive we somehow almost had an R talk or as close as we've come to it in months, but more about H's plans, or lack of, to show the stallion this year. The rest of the evening we had a pleasant time, this couple has celebrated their 40th anniverary, no kids, and they talked about the good times they've had together.

Saturday I attended an educational event with a friend, her comment was she surprised at how fun it was to see and talk with all the people I know. I was a little surprised as well, that out of such a big crowd so many people knew who I was. It makes me think of the events that H and I have attended together as well as hosted. It makes me think of the events I have set up to host this year. It makes me think that I still continue to live the life I have known for many years, the life I am comfortable with, all while I don't have a clue what the future with H is. It makes me wonder how and if I want to keep doing this without H to support us and bring the fun along with it. I also reflected and figured out that H is the personality and front runner, the PR guy. I am the doer and the one who follows thru with what he starts. Almost two years ago already, he told me that so much of what we do here and how we run this place is based on our personalities, and that's what makes this work. And that's why it should remain a business between us, to keep it successful.

I also saw a friend on Saturday who divorced since I last saw him, I expressed my surprise. He said it was the hardest thing you ever have to go thru, but it can be the best thing to do.

Sunday we got a surprise invite to breakfast with some friends, it was nice. The rest of the day was busy with people in and out all day and doing horse stuff. For the first time since Oct 2, I saw H on his/our horse. A good thing? I think so. But probably not as good as it might seem. He is upset because he has spent so much time with a couple of houdini cows that just won't stay in the fence. All the other livestock stays in, but not these few. H has mentioned a few times this year about having an auction, selling it all. He says we need to buy more hay, or have an auction. These cows sparked that comment again, I just said load them up. So today we sorted and separated and put the cows to get rid of in a different pen. They'll go to a sale or somewhere by the end of the month. I should feel a lot more emotional about this, but I think I am more numb than anything. The beginning of the end.

I also have hugged or asked for a hug a couple times this weekend, still like hugging a tree. It's an almost full moon, fresh white snow, so pretty and bright outside. I asked H if he wanted to go for a moonlight ride with the horses, he said no it's too slippery. I asked if he wanted to go for a walk, he said no his foot hurt. I asked H for a hug, he looked all around and at the dogs, and finally moved sideways towards me and half raised an arm. I took it, and went for a walk by myself.

I found out this week I have high cholesterol, it hasn't really sunk in yet, it's just a little over the high limit, advised to see a doctor. I told H this weekend, he seemed more upset than concerned or caring. Then asked if I wanted seconds of the greasy good in the fry pan. Diet and exercise will have to become a bigger priority for me.

We received a message about a Valentines Party next Friday. I asked H if he wanted to go, he didn't say no. Friday is a long time away. Also found out today from a friend that came over that H is a scheduled speaker at an upcoming event. Is it important or a big deal that H would tell me rather than finding out from the back door? So many things I can get used, but I still don't have to like it.

I am having a bit of a hard time suppressing the feeling to talk R with H. Take a pulse on the R, what are we doing, what is he thinking? Many times he has made decisions already, just doesn't tell me what they are and I find out eventually. Is this one of them again? Let's just do something about this mess. Fix it or bury it.

[Becca1975]

WCW, it seems like your H wants to do the minimum possible to keep you around. Kind of like what my H does, but in a different way. Yeah, he will likely go to your Valentines event with you, like he went to your work party and the other things. I still stand that he wants to be with you but doesn't know how to express that right now.

[WCW]

The tree moved this morning. He walked in as I was trying to look at some big bumps that have appeared on my back. He very gently rubbed the spots with his fingertips, then his hands drifted down to my hips. H asked if the bumps itched or hurt, I said no, only when I think about it then it drives me crazy. He laughed. I turned around and looked him in the eyes, and then hugged him, and he lightly hugged back, with both arms.

Someone talk me out of this idea. I plan to send H an ecard for Valentines Day, saying thinking of you today. I also want to include a line about 'let's figure out our future'. Any reason I shouldn't do that? Is he going to run screaming from the house?

The rest of my PMA has been decent, even if it doesn't sound like it. Really! it hasn't been bad!

[AKiwiWannabe]

Drop the question about the future. May come off as needy. He most likely won't say anything positive...in his mind, doing his best not to lead you on. Send the card, be chipper, be attractive. Think horse whisperer, WCW. Make him think it is his idea to engage you. :-D

The hug and hand on your waist thing is great. Revel in that single moment. Stay positive.

Happy V-Day. My mediation may well be tomorrow. Your V-day could be worse! Ha ha!

[SP1]

Hi WCW - I think the PT sounds promising...

I also think the e-card is a good idea but IMHO do not add that line about figuring out the future! It screams R talk. Hopefully, others will be by with their opinions

Take Care,
SP

[Again!]

E-Card great.
drop the future. He may run screaming.
How about lets have dinner. Or lts go for a walk, or lets go away for the weekend, or lets go to bed.
short term stuff.

[WCW]

Kiwi - good luck tomorrow. Have you been studying horse whispering? Make the wrong thing difficult, the right thing easy. Simple, right?

Drop the line - I suppose that is what should happen, but I'm thinking it's time we start figuring out what to do and how to do it. Yes, I am getting needy or needier, and it's going to start showing. I can feel it building, and I'm not sure how to keep the lid on much longer. I'll try and be good, and keep my fingers under control when I send that card. Maybe I'll put mittens on when I type!