Hanging on/The Long Haul #9

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Okay, I survived Friday and all the guys at work talking about what they are doing for their wives....... pretty downer day. Friday night was the scheduled night for me to ride along with H to his last appointment to some friends, and then stay for dinner. I had so much anxiety about getting in his pickup truck with him, it was unreal. I mean, literally sick to my stomach, there's my gut talking to me again. I haven't been in his truck since......???? and I didn't like the feeling I had being there, and wondered who else has been there. On the drive we somehow almost had an R talk or as close as we've come to it in months, but more about H's plans, or lack of, to show the stallion this year. The rest of the evening we had a pleasant time, this couple has celebrated their 40th anniverary, no kids, and they talked about the good times they've had together.

Saturday I attended an educational event with a friend, her comment was she surprised at how fun it was to see and talk with all the people I know. I was a little surprised as well, that out of such a big crowd so many people knew who I was. It makes me think of the events that H and I have attended together as well as hosted. It makes me think of the events I have set up to host this year. It makes me think that I still continue to live the life I have known for many years, the life I am comfortable with, all while I don't have a clue what the future with H is. It makes me wonder how and if I want to keep doing this without H to support us and bring the fun along with it. I also reflected and figured out that H is the personality and front runner, the PR guy. I am the doer and the one who follows thru with what he starts. Almost two years ago already, he told me that so much of what we do here and how we run this place is based on our personalities, and that's what makes this work. And that's why it should remain a business between us, to keep it successful.

I also saw a friend on Saturday who divorced since I last saw him, I expressed my surprise. He said it was the hardest thing you ever have to go thru, but it can be the best thing to do.

Sunday we got a surprise invite to breakfast with some friends, it was nice. The rest of the day was busy with people in and out all day and doing horse stuff. For the first time since Oct 2, I saw H on his/our horse. A good thing? I think so. But probably not as good as it might seem. He is upset because he has spent so much time with a couple of houdini cows that just won't stay in the fence. All the other livestock stays in, but not these few. H has mentioned a few times this year about having an auction, selling it all. He says we need to buy more hay, or have an auction. These cows sparked that comment again, I just said load them up. So today we sorted and separated and put the cows to get rid of in a different pen. They'll go to a sale or somewhere by the end of the month. I should feel a lot more emotional about this, but I think I am more numb than anything. The beginning of the end.

I also have hugged or asked for a hug a couple times this weekend, still like hugging a tree. It's an almost full moon, fresh white snow, so pretty and bright outside. I asked H if he wanted to go for a moonlight ride with the horses, he said no it's too slippery. I asked if he wanted to go for a walk, he said no his foot hurt. I asked H for a hug, he looked all around and at the dogs, and finally moved sideways towards me and half raised an arm. I took it, and went for a walk by myself.

I found out this week I have high cholesterol, it hasn't really sunk in yet, it's just a little over the high limit, advised to see a doctor. I told H this weekend, he seemed more upset than concerned or caring. Then asked if I wanted seconds of the greasy good in the fry pan. Diet and exercise will have to become a bigger priority for me.

We received a message about a Valentines Party next Friday. I asked H if he wanted to go, he didn't say no. Friday is a long time away. Also found out today from a friend that came over that H is a scheduled speaker at an upcoming event. Is it important or a big deal that H would tell me rather than finding out from the back door? So many things I can get used, but I still don't have to like it.

I am having a bit of a hard time suppressing the feeling to talk R with H. Take a pulse on the R, what are we doing, what is he thinking? Many times he has made decisions already, just doesn't tell me what they are and I find out eventually. Is this one of them again? Let's just do something about this mess. Fix it or bury it.