Howdy c1t, welcome! Thanks for sharing. I am trying to be sure, but there isn't really much to be sure about. Except I am sure this is taking way longer than I wish it was!! I don't want to rush into anything, in any direction, but a lot of time has already gone by. I can see so many changes in H, in myself, but I can't say they are progress for us together. But mostly, I'd prefer not to D, and I keep hanging on to the scraps that are still left. Well, scraps are just scraps. Let me say the ashes that are still left, and ashes can be fanned and start a flame.
amd - which one of us do you think is in MLC? I do think H was/is, he had an extremely hard time reaching a milestone birthday, and he really changed before that. Insert rest of story here. - - - - - - - - - Last night I had a meeting. When I returned home late it seeemed like H just barely beat me home, and it bugged me, and I let it surface. The heater had run out, the house was cold, so was he, and so was I. I still had to go out and finish watering critters because someone (H!!!) let the hose freeze. He came out to help, and asked some questions about 'stuff' from the weekend. It turned out okay, but it made me realize how little it takes to want to have warmth and closeness in my life. I ended going to bed lonely, and waking up lonely.
A few things to make note of that has sure helped my PMA this year - - My self esteem is rising, I'm not letting H be the fuel. My job, my volunteer work, things at home, my reputation with horses - all contribute to feeling good again. - Home and house - chipped away at accomplishing big decisions that had to be made and had been left unmade for too long. Things such as mortgage loan changes, livestock needs, land decisions, etc. This is ongoing and everchanging, but the old things aren't still hanging. - good results on the latest big project that just wrapped up. It's a lot of work that started last September and grew every week, and the crunch is done, for another 6 months or so. It's a 'feel good' project, it's a great feeling to help out and give to the recipients of the benefit portion. - financial, when H was injured we faced huge financial crisis. We're not done yet, depending on what H is doing that I don't know about, but I/me/myself am in a lot better spot. I did what credit lenders warn about, and I played with credit card money advances at 0% interest rates. The 0% eventually runs out, and I fretted about it alot, how would I manage when it all came due? Well, somehow, I did, and I just paid the last big amount, all at 0% and no finance or late charges. (some days you have buttered noodles, some days noodles, and some days butter ) - To celebrate, I shopped a sale today! Spent a whoppin' 20 bucks! I don't like shopping, but sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. - I work at reaching out to friends, coworkers, check out clerks, bank tellers, even FedEx delivery guys (that one's for you aynesr ), and family.
Which brings me to say that I have a Valentines Date! Yupperee! I'm not waiting until the last minute to snag me a date! I called my mom and asked her to lunch next Tuesday. My mortgage company puts on a free lunch for women only, and entertainment after lunch. I'm taking the day to spend with my mom.
While I was shopping, you can't help but run into hearts and Valentines stuff everywhere. I quit fighting the feeling, and I bought two cards! One to send to my goddaughter, and one to send to my nephews two kids. I figure it should be cool for the kids to get mail. I did spend a few minutes looking for an appropriate card for H, no luck, so I'll do something along the lines of last year. Simple and easy printed off the computer, "thinking of you today."
Last night when I was messing with the frozen hose, I was drifting again and thought about the pet chicken we used to have, and was going to share the funny story. But it's getting late, and I'm in search of beauty sleep.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I figured your H was definitely MLC. I just ask because there's a lot fo good stuff on that board. Unfortunately, the stories attest to the fact that MLCers take a LONG time to get through this stage. Anyway, you sound really good--good for you for taking control of V DAy!
Bright and sunny, and cold. The diesel grunted this morning and then purred over. I got so used to not plugging it in while record high temps were set in January that now I can’t seem to get back in the groove. I did notice it was plugged in this morning, H must’ve went out and did that for me early today, and I forgot to acknowledge it.
I was up late again last night, and H just goes over and lays down on the couch to go to bed. Never says anything, good night or whatever. Something that bothers me, maybe next time it happens I’ll say good night as he pulls the blanket over him.
As usual now, this morning he waited until I was out of the bathroom and then he went in. But this time he said good morning, instead of nothing. I called back a good morning, and asked about some donation requests received for an organization we are involved with. When I was ready to leave, I walked back to say I was headed out, and he had just pulled back the shower curtain. Yikes!
I did my ‘reaching out’ this morning, I called H as I was out early to run work errands, and left voicemail about some software we need for the computers. I haven’t called him for anything for a while if I remember correctly. By the time I was back to work, my desk phone was ringing and it was H. We talked for almost 5 minutes, and it seemed like he didn’t want to hang up. Pretty special for a BOW Thursday.
But it is a bright sunny day!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
BOW started out as a business client, along with others at the same place, and then graciously offered to be the middle person for many other people at the same appointment so no one else would have to be present during their business with my H. The standing appointment was Thursdays. Truthfully, now that she has her own private place at her home, I don't know the schedule anymore, he won't share and I quit asking, but I do know that it doesn't include just Thursdays. Yes, there is proof. I guess there is more business now(sarcasm). Cozy, at her house now, with no one else around. Sucks. Ah well, I don't want to go there again, that is an area where I DO NOT want my thoughts to drift.
Hey, did I tell you about my pet chicken?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
This morning my clock radio woke me up with a Canadian public radio station story about a couple's pet exotic chicken. One day they found the chicken face down in the kitty pool. The wife's sister was a nurse and happened to be visiting. So she gave the chicken CPR and saved the chicken's life. And it made national news (in Canada).
Hmmm....that bothers me that he gets to spend so much time with BOW. I know that doesn't help you any but I'd be inclined to put my foot down adn say "hey buddy, make a decision". Either work on the marriage and get BOW out of your life, no more going over there, no contact unless both of you there, or move the hell out. Just like my H, he manages to have the best of both worlds. C wants me to figure out how to take that away from my H, and it is gonna take some hard steps. What can you do?
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
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That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Becca, I don't know what I can do, or I would have done it. I could issue an ultimatum, and I am sure he would leave. No one can tell him how to live his life, he will buck that with everything he's got. I don't have enough pieces in place yet to handle that, yet. I know that sounds unemotional, but after all, this is a business marriage at this stage, that is what H told me he wanted 20 months ago, and that is what he worked it into. Sadly, it is even a poor business marriage.
I don't know the status of his R with BOW. He never ever talks about her, even when she comes up in conversation with other friends and I am present. I do know, the last few nights, when H and I have had eye contact, he does not look happy. He used to have the deepest blue sparkling eyes, there is no sparkle. It struck me last night. Then I started wondering when the last time was I saw the sparkle, and he does when we tickle/wrestle. Is he unhappy with BOW? does he want to end that and can't? I don't know. Sometimes, I get the feeling he would like something more from me, but if I do he recoils and backs away. Like touching his leg with my leg the other morning. It was spur of the moment, but it took every ounce of courage I had to do that, and for one second it felt good, and the next second it was gone. I think, I know, it is not healthy for me to speculate on what he might or might not want. In fact, I can't go back to letting myself think and obsess over everything he does or doesn't do. I can't change him, he has to change himself. I believe, finally, I am understanding what I need to do for me to survive this stage we are on, the stage of life we are living. It's taken me way too long to figure this out, that it's about me, not about him. I never said I was the smartest horse in the herd, but I've sure got stamina and endurance for the ride of my life.
Finally!! someone wants to know my pet chicken story! We used to have chickens, and one night a batch of kids that were visiting found a new baby chick in the haymow. They brought it to H, and we knew we couldn't just put it back, the mother hen wouldn't care for it anymore. So we got a cage, brought it in the house, and H taught it to drink and eat by tapping on the floor like a mother hen, and the baby chick would imitate that and eat. That chicken never knew he was a chicken. He heard the birds outside, and learned to sing like the birds. We named our pet chicken Peeps. He was very funny, and would run from room to room, get all ruffled up, jump for food, potty trained, jump on my lap and smooth every feather into place, and then look at me for approval. Peeps was so entertaining, friends would come over, and we'd call it the Peep Show, just watch this silly chicken entertain us. Life is simple here in the corn fields. Peeps would lay in front of the heater, and roll around and lay on his back - did you ever see a chicken lay on his back? hilarious! I even took Peeps to work on Halloween and called myself Little Bo Peep. Well, one day, Peeps was outside. He was always offended if we treated him like a chicken, he couldn't understand it, but we did make him go outside. We had a dog that loved to play with chickens, never drew blood, but just played too hard with them, and they'd get wet and cold and freeze. I'd come home and find another frozen chicken, put it in a box and bring it in the house to thaw out overnight, and put it back out the next morning. I said we had more chicken in a box than Colonel Sanders that winter. Anyway, Peeps and the dog met one Sunday afternoon, and I think Peeps had a heart attack. Really, not a mark or wet or dog slobber anywhere, but he must've saw the dog and fell over dead. H and I cried as hard as we ever cried over any other loss we'd had. Over a pet chicken. Unreal. We don't have chickens anymore. So, that's my chicken story and I'm stickin' to it!!
Moral of the story, I wouldn't give up that time I had with my pet chicken, even though the end was horribly painful. Eventually, the pain goes away and you remember the best of times we had together.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
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), and family.