Howdy c1t, welcome! Thanks for sharing. I am trying to be sure, but there isn't really much to be sure about. Except I am sure this is taking way longer than I wish it was!! I don't want to rush into anything, in any direction, but a lot of time has already gone by. I can see so many changes in H, in myself, but I can't say they are progress for us together. But mostly, I'd prefer not to D, and I keep hanging on to the scraps that are still left. Well, scraps are just scraps. Let me say the ashes that are still left, and ashes can be fanned and start a flame.

amd - which one of us do you think is in MLC? I do think H was/is, he had an extremely hard time reaching a milestone birthday, and he really changed before that. Insert rest of story here.
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Last night I had a meeting. When I returned home late it seeemed like H just barely beat me home, and it bugged me, and I let it surface. The heater had run out, the house was cold, so was he, and so was I. I still had to go out and finish watering critters because someone (H!!!) let the hose freeze. He came out to help, and asked some questions about 'stuff' from the weekend. It turned out okay, but it made me realize how little it takes to want to have warmth and closeness in my life. I ended going to bed lonely, and waking up lonely.

A few things to make note of that has sure helped my PMA this year -
- My self esteem is rising, I'm not letting H be the fuel. My job, my volunteer work, things at home, my reputation with horses - all contribute to feeling good again.
- Home and house - chipped away at accomplishing big decisions that had to be made and had been left unmade for too long. Things such as mortgage loan changes, livestock needs, land decisions, etc. This is ongoing and everchanging, but the old things aren't still hanging.
- good results on the latest big project that just wrapped up. It's a lot of work that started last September and grew every week, and the crunch is done, for another 6 months or so. It's a 'feel good' project, it's a great feeling to help out and give to the recipients of the benefit portion.
- financial, when H was injured we faced huge financial crisis. We're not done yet, depending on what H is doing that I don't know about, but I/me/myself am in a lot better spot. I did what credit lenders warn about, and I played with credit card money advances at 0% interest rates. The 0% eventually runs out, and I fretted about it alot, how would I manage when it all came due? Well, somehow, I did, and I just paid the last big amount, all at 0% and no finance or late charges. (some days you have buttered noodles, some days noodles, and some days butter )
- To celebrate, I shopped a sale today! Spent a whoppin' 20 bucks! I don't like shopping, but sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.
- I work at reaching out to friends, coworkers, check out clerks, bank tellers, even FedEx delivery guys (that one's for you aynesr ), and family.

Which brings me to say that I have a Valentines Date! Yupperee! I'm not waiting until the last minute to snag me a date! I called my mom and asked her to lunch next Tuesday. My mortgage company puts on a free lunch for women only, and entertainment after lunch. I'm taking the day to spend with my mom.

While I was shopping, you can't help but run into hearts and Valentines stuff everywhere. I quit fighting the feeling, and I bought two cards! One to send to my goddaughter, and one to send to my nephews two kids. I figure it should be cool for the kids to get mail. I did spend a few minutes looking for an appropriate card for H, no luck, so I'll do something along the lines of last year. Simple and easy printed off the computer, "thinking of you today."

Last night when I was messing with the frozen hose, I was drifting again and thought about the pet chicken we used to have, and was going to share the funny story. But it's getting late, and I'm in search of beauty sleep.

Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.