Thanks, Opti! Lazy? or worn out from being a new homeowner?

Focus on the positives, I'm not sure. That hasn't worked for me in the past, so shouldn't I quit doing it? Do something that works? And right now, what works is just focusing on me, how I feel, let my thoughts drift and feel what I am thinking. It's not all pleasant, there's a lot of hurt and pain, but if I don't feel that I drown my happiness as well. I think I've spent so much time focusing on the marriage and baby steps and little positives, that I would get out of focus. I will accept the positives, but not focus on them. It's gotten me too hyped up and expecting more, and then it all goes backwards. Will it ever come back full force? will we ever be real with each other again? Like I've said before, there is a Grand Canyon gap, it's hard to look at something so minute and say Yeah!! I've focused on winning the race, what will I do if I win the prize? How will I feel if all these little positives really add up to H wanting back in our M? I don't know those answers, yet.

Items of honorable mention -
- at work party the other night, Associates introduced themselves and who was with them. I introduced H as my cowboy, not husband. He noticed.

- message on home phone from someone letting H know information about a group he was inquiring for. It is OWB's group. (I am going to rename Other Woman B!tch to B!itch Other Woman, it goes along with last summers puppy story - bow wow. ) Anyway, H is making inquiries for BOW's group. Isn't that special?

- Crabby when he got home last night. I had sent him a txt mssge to please check livestock when he got home from skiing, I had to do a roundup earlier in the evening, and I asked him to check that they were all still put. Came in and I asked if he had checked, and in his irritating grating tone of voice he said NO. Okay, not my problem.

- H was up early walking around this morning, looking out the window near the bedroom door. I made some comment, he walked in by the bed to talk to me and ALMOST apologized for what he said last night, he just saw my txt mssge this morning, I moved over and opened the covers, and he got in bed with me. Mostly we listened to the weather and the news, now why couldn't some significant song come on today? Like the one the other day - A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, too bad it has to be with someone new! Alright - so here's my reaching out for the day, my feeler. I love(d) to lay next to H in bed, and touch from shoulder all the way down to our toes. Today he laid close enough we were touching shoulder to hips, I moved my leg next to his to touch full body, side by side. Not even two seconds and he moved away. A few more minutes, time to get up, but he started a tickle fest again. I had to wrestle my way out bed this morning. What's wrong with just being close? we can't hug, I can't touch him, but he wants to tickle me.

- yesterday morning H called me at work for no apparant reason, just to mention a conversation he just had with a guy

- I bought some Valentine M&M's yesterday. and started eating it.

- The FedEx man just came in for a pick up, we exchanged a few sentences, smiled and laughed, and then he winked at me. Now, if that was my H, you would all be saying OH, what a positive!! But really, isn't this just day to day life? part of daily interactions with people? Just because the guy laughed and winked doesn't mean we will have a great relationship. At this point, I don't feel much different about my H.

Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.