I h a d a s u p e r b w e e k e n d!! Too much to write all the details, I'll try to keep it short (who – me?)
-Saturday breakfast with friends, fun and business, bringing horse for me to work with horse and person and made plans with her for this weekend and potential getaway this summer.
-Ended up with H on some unexpected errands, it was nice but weird to be out and about with him to different businesses again.
-I let H know what time I/we had to leave for my work party. I didn’t ask if he was coming.
-I had a busy day to make final preparations for Sundays event, a whirlwind!
-About 2pm, I said by 3pm I had to be in the shower to leave by 4pm and be on time to the party. Pick up two other ladies on the way that needed rides. Are you coming? So I know if you are loading stuff for tomorrow or if I need to now and do chores early. He shrugged his shoulders. No way was he going to answer me, if anyone recalls I had asked him to respond please. Them’s fightin’ words!
-He did decide to come along, I showered and he was waiting for me in the bedroom. Tickle/wrestle again.
The evening was nice. I socialized, I bought H a drink (I had diet cokes lined up 3 deep for me, another story ), handed it to him, he was surprised but said thanks. We had plenty of laughs, good conversation, he knows plenty of people, and I won the BIG prize for the night. Overall, I WAS great! What was missing? Being close, sharing a husband/wife look across the room, touching, holding hands, coming home and topping off the night. Now, before you all send cyber daggers, I did finally test the pulse on being close. When I went to bed I brushed my teeth first, H waited by the open bathroom door. Oh geez, now what? I looked at him, gave him a hug and said good night. It was like hugging a tree.
Sunday morning, up bright and early and off to big event and benefit. H wasn’t ready at designated time, so I left without him. I decided not to wait and be late, again. He had a truck to take over anyway to display for the local dealer we do business with, so we weren’t riding together, and I saw no reason for both of us to be late and hold up other people already there. I waved to him across the yard, and left. The day went sooo fast, I had a blast! Talked to lots of people, friends, acquaintances, people stopped me to talk to me, ask questions, one gal even commented how good I look (confidence?), and my OWB radar detector never went off. The benefit concluded the day, it was a good success! H and I received an award for our World Champ stallion, pics for news articles, etc. 4 people in the picture, H and I didn’t stand next to each other.
We left at the same time, arrived home separate. H had to make a stop somewhere. By this time I was crashing, I could feel myself coming down fast. It was all over, and I hit hard. I was tired and drained, exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically, I had stayed on this high for so long, I could finally allow myself to slide off. H arrived home, I asked about unloading everything right away, as I wanted to watch the Super Bowl. His comment, “I don’t care what time you watch the super bowl or when it comes on.” I could have blown up, but did I care if he cared? I changed clothes and went outside. Soon he came out too, and we finished most everything, I came in and crashed on the couch just in time for kickoff. And slept on and off thru out the game. I had lots of puter work and paperwork to do from the day, and was up late working on that stuff. H had laid down, on the couch, kept getting up, and by the time I went to bed he had every light in the house on. What for? Don’t know, except to bug me. That’s what he does.
Couple things irritate me, well, more than a couple, but these are some anyway. There was a silent auction at the benefit. H ended up with high bid on a shirt that I wanted, but I never had time to bid on it. He came to ‘flaunt’ it that he had it. I said it was sort of a girly shirt, did you get it for me? I don’t remember the exact words he used, but it alluded that if he couldn’t use it and it was a girly shirt I wouldn’t get it. Another lady there even said something to him about Valentines present, yeah right. Anyway, at night H tried it on, it’s too small for him. He wanted me to try it on, right now. Well, I was at the computer, and as I had already crashed from the day, I was in sweat shirt and sweat pants. Which means I would have to take my shirt off, and he insisted. I am glad for silk undershirts, and glad that I had one on.
This morning, he came in the bedroom when I was getting ready for work. Anyone see a pattern? He has come to the bedroom more in the last 10 days than in almost 4 months. And guess what? I don’t like it. I don’t understand what is happening, what is he doing? Wants to be intimate? Then show me instead of tickle me. Want to be my friend? Then talk to me, connect with me on an emotional level, don’t shut me out, share your life with me. I know, more cyber daggers on the way. He’s trying, look at the positives. Tonight, I was outside choring just at dark, I left the lights off, the moonshine is getting so bright and pretty again. I was up and down the aisle, singing to myself, and here comes H. We walk with purpose towards each other, we get close, I cheerily said Hi, he responded, and started talking. All that was missing was a big hug. But I didn’t want to hug a tree again.
I am watching, but from a distance. I am liking where I am at mentally and emotionally for now. I am thinking, feeling emotions again, I feel like I am living, and it's taken me 2 1/2 years to get here. It's not all happy, I’m still confused, I don’t know where my marriage is headed, but I am living and feeling. Like from an old movie, A Star is Born. Kris Kristofferson, Barbara Streisand.
Watch closely now, Are you watching me now I’m the master magician Who’ll help you escape From the lies you’ve been told When they’re breaking your back Bring the last straw to me I turn straw into gold I break chains made of boredom that others have lived With for years I leave good news on doorsteps And laughs where there used to be tears I’m gonna need you later When you’re not around But I can take it I won’t look down
Watch Closely Now Are you watching me now Watch Me Now!
), handed it to him, he was surprised but said thanks. We had plenty of laughs, good conversation, he knows plenty of people, and I won the BIG prize for the night. Overall, I WAS great!
