In the case where W is taking D14 out of her home for the evening . . .

I think it will serve you well if you can get to a place in your new life where you accept that your daughters now have two homes-one with you and one with WAW. . .but she is still their Mom.

Hi Heather, thank you for your challenging input.

I'm going to reply to this in language that you've used on your thread in an effort to express my feelings on the topic. "Accepting" that the girls now have two homes is hard for me to swallow. D14 often tells me how she "loves her bed" (I'll use the more neutral term) in my home. Once, when she was looking for a lost library book, I asked her if she looked under her bed and in her room and Mom's and she replied, "Dad, there's nothing in our room at Mom's." I'm sure if nothing meant that the library book wasn't there or that the room was sparsely decorated.

Let's eves-drop on a convo between D and a new friend:
F: "Hi, can I call you sometime?"
D: "Sure."
F: "What's your phone number?"
D: "Well on Monday and Wednesday nights its 555-1212, On Tuesday and Thursday nights its 555-2121. On the first and third Friday, Saturday and Sunday night of the month, I'll be at the 555-1212 number. On the second and fourth Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, I'll be at the 555-2121 number, well until 9:00 on Sunday after that I'll be at the 555-1212 number. I'll be looking forward to your call."

Yes, she is still their Mom. She has been and always will be their mother. Since Oct 2004, she has chosen to be a part-time Mom. I'd like to be a full-time Dad. Isn't one of the factor's in your decision on your future plans w/H S5 & D3? Like I said, when I signed up to be a dad, I signed up for the full time version.

The girls are with you the majority of the time because you feel it's best to start and end a schoolday in the same home. But I think comments like the one above speak to the idea that you are holding on to your indignation and that there is more behind your actions than just what's best for the girls.

I'm not a licensed psychologist, but I think that I could get you and many other lay people as well as mental health professionals to agree that I what I think is in the best interest of the girls is really not an unreasonable plan.

It is possible that . . . history has trained her?

Possibly. If I think about it, I can remember 3 times in the past 17 months that I spoke ill of W in front of DD's. The day the D papers came. I mentioned that I thought D was wrong unless someone was being abused or a drunk or on drugs. The day she told them about OM. I mentioned that I wouldn't date anyone. Sometime during the 3rd week D15's report card remained at WAW's apt. I mentioned that if I had D15's report card for 3 weeks Mom would be all over me for withholding information, but that was not a loud tirade.

Either way, it seems she is trying to predict your reactions and act accordingly.

Could be. Last night D14 & I talked about her going to IC. She said that she didn't want to b/c she didn't want to talk about her thoughts and feelings b/c she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

She has her own emotions to deal with and that's all she should have to deal with right now.

You are so right. I try my best to keep my thoughts and feelings about the sitch to myself when I'm around DD's. I don't want them to have the added task of processing their thoughts and feelings thru the extra step of asking, "Now if I say this, will Mom/Dad think I'm being critical of Mom/Dad?" Not really fair for a teenager to expect them to accept that they need to handle more than their R w/friends and schoolwork.

In summation, this is a boundary that I have set up. WAW can do what she wants with whom she wants when she wants as long as it is not affecting DD's or me adversely. I don't and never have withheld DD's from her. I've offered to share DD's w/WAW on Wed PM ("my" night). She declined. I've offered to share DD's on Sat or Sun when they are with me. She declined. I asked if she was coming to D14's birthday party with her friends at my home, she declined. I think that there is a difference b/w indignation and setting a boundary in the best interest of one's children.