I was pleased to see that you were out with friends.
Goin' out with friends from work tonight too and makin' plans for the rest of the month (w/ & w/o DD's). Got some info to go camping w/DD's this spring.
what is your intent with the email?
Pretty much what was stated in the email. To let W know that homework was not done on ThuPM b/c the book was not w/D14.
Trying to create situations where boundaries can be enforced it not very authentic. . .but trying to create situations to assert yourself will not be fruitful
I agree. Do you think that I created a situation? If so what was it?
Is there anything in it or about it that comes off as placating or supplicating?
I don't think so and it was not my intent. If the message had a tone of soothing humility about it, it was not my intention. I merely was relaying an event and an observation as information.
She is old enough to take responsibility for her own homework/reading.
I agree. In the case where W is taking D14 out of her home for the evening, I think its fair to hope that W asks "Do you have all you need to do your homework?".
have anyone seen ThatGuy around? Not recently, but people seem to be jumping from one board to another as their situations change.
Just stopping by to check on you. Things seem to be at least going somewhat smoothly now. Have there been any more updates on the custody issue? My STBXH is becoming an a@@ with the whole money issue. It's always something!
Hope you have a good week!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
I received mail from the L saying that W & I have to see a 3rd L. It'll cost each of us $75. The 3rd L is powerless, but will try to workout an agreement b/w W&I. I will be there, pleasant as pie and politely stating my boundaries.
We both have to attend a 4 hr seminar on how to be a divorced parent, another $60.
Two other interesting developments:
1) On the March check, W wrote "March support for DD's". I plan on filing taxes married but separately, because that best represents our sitch. Because I live in our home and have been paying the mortgage our of my checking acct, I'm claiming all the mortgage interest. (W had made noise about her 1/2 of the mortgage interest, the Mar support check notes support not 1/2 mortgage pmt.) In the custody suit, W's L wrote that DD's live with me, so I am claiming the DD's. I'm anticipating that W will say that I'm trying to screw her. If she does, I'm sorry that feels that way. This best represents our situation.
2) You may have read on a prior thread that I talk w/OM's mom on occasion. I got an email from her saying that she wants to meet w/me. We've met a few times already and are both sensitive of the other's feelings and boundaries. I wonder what the news is and why she just didn't put it in the email?
I resumed IC yesterday. I was uncomfortable with my anger and how I was handling it. No great revelations from C, but confirmation about some thoughts and plans that I had.
I'm off to take the dogs for a long walk. The temp is > 40 and even they are suffering from cabin fever!
I'm sorry to hear that H is acting like an @$$ regarding money. Take care.
Hopefully the meeting with the 3rd L will be helpful for you and your W. Compromise where you can but do keep your boundaries in place.
Did you ever talk with OM's mom? I wonder what she had to say.
I resumed IC yesterday. I was uncomfortable with my anger and how I was handling it. No great revelations from C, but confirmation about some thoughts and plans that I had.
I hope you find IC useful. I too am uncomfortable with my anger and how I am dealing with it. That's one of the issues I am working on in IC. I do think we have to step outside our comfort zones in this process. We become stronger and healthier because of it.
What type of dogs do you have? I have a Newfoundland. She loves cold weather. Her favorite weather is 10 degrees and a blinding snowstorm. She's a great dog!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
I agree that after the initial grief anger is the hardest thing to deal with.
Like, I know cognitively that the anger in my heart is only hurting me, but nevertheless I can't let it go. It's like I'm scarred to let it go because it's the last link between me and my marriage (that sounds sick, but do you know what I mean?).
Here's to dealing with anger !!
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I too struggle with the anger. Since it was there, I used it to burn away some of the emotional ties. But it seems to have a life of it's own, I can't let go of it. Because the anger comes from pain, the process of releasing it has to begin with letting go of that. This is all so difficult. I'm interested to see if your IC helps resolve this quicker, or is it just another stage in this that we must surrender to and endure until it fades away.
(WCB) Hopefully the meeting with the 3rd L will be helpful for you and your W. Compromise where you can but do keep your boundaries in place.
I plan to continue the 180's that I've been working on. Listen for operative words, ask questions, validate feelings and setting boundaries by being kind, gentle, respectful and firm.
(WCB) Did you ever talk with OM's mom? I wonder what she had to say.
Not yet. The summit is set for next Tue. She's sent me 2 short emails. Her emails in the past have mentioned her heartache and pain. Those feelings were noticeably absent from the 2 recent emails, she even wished me well with an exclamation point. I believe that "good news" is possible, but I'm keeping my expectations in check.
(WCB) I do think we have to step outside our comfort zones in this process.
This has been the most difficult part of the process for me.
(WCB) What type of dogs do you have?
A 6-yr-old male black lab and a 6-yr-old male golden. Lots of energy and I love 'em!
(WB) It's like I'm scarred to let it go because it's the last link between me and my marriage (that sounds sick, but do you know what I mean?)
Actually I think that anger is the link b/w me and the A, b/w me and the D, b/w me and the custody suit, b/w me and my old R/M. I've come to see that my anger is energy and this energy feeds the A, the D process and the custody suit. My anger "steals" energy from me to do constructive things in my life. It sounds trite, but it's my decision to be angry, and I doubt that many would deny us our "right" to be angry, but it is also our decision as to how much energy we feed into our anger and how much of our lives we let the anger affect. We must expend some of our energy to control the anger so that we have energy for other areas of our lives that need it (children, family, friends, work, home, S's, DBing).
Hi Jabez! Something came to mind as I was catching up on your thread.
In the case where W is taking D14 out of her home for the evening
The words 'her home' caught my attention. I think it will serve you well if you can get to a place in your new life where you accept that your daughters now have two homes-one with you and one with WAW. WAW has made poor decisions that have affected your entire family in a negative way....but she is still their Mom. The girls are with you the majority of the time because you feel it's best to start and end a schoolday in the same home. But I think comments like the one above speak to the idea that you are holding on to your indignation and that there is more behind your actions than just what's best for the girls. I think you've come a long way Jabez. Now if you can coparent and not only tolerate WAW's relationship with the girls but actually try to foster it, I think your girls would really benefit. It is possible that your daughter said the homework incident was her fault because she felt like you would automatically jump to the conclusion that it was WAW's fault....maybe history has trained her? Either way, it seems she is trying to predict your reactions and act accordingly. That's not good. She has her own emotions to deal with and that's all she should have to deal with right now. I know you want the best for your girls and I really admire you for that. So many Dads out there don't try a sliver of what you have. I'm always here for any support I can offer you.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
In the case where W is taking D14 out of her home for the evening . . .
I think it will serve you well if you can get to a place in your new life where you accept that your daughters now have two homes-one with you and one with WAW. . .but she is still their Mom.
Hi Heather, thank you for your challenging input.
I'm going to reply to this in language that you've used on your thread in an effort to express my feelings on the topic. "Accepting" that the girls now have two homes is hard for me to swallow. D14 often tells me how she "loves her bed" (I'll use the more neutral term) in my home. Once, when she was looking for a lost library book, I asked her if she looked under her bed and in her room and Mom's and she replied, "Dad, there's nothing in our room at Mom's." I'm sure if nothing meant that the library book wasn't there or that the room was sparsely decorated.
Let's eves-drop on a convo between D and a new friend: F: "Hi, can I call you sometime?" D: "Sure." F: "What's your phone number?" D: "Well on Monday and Wednesday nights its 555-1212, On Tuesday and Thursday nights its 555-2121. On the first and third Friday, Saturday and Sunday night of the month, I'll be at the 555-1212 number. On the second and fourth Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, I'll be at the 555-2121 number, well until 9:00 on Sunday after that I'll be at the 555-1212 number. I'll be looking forward to your call."
Yes, she is still their Mom. She has been and always will be their mother. Since Oct 2004, she has chosen to be a part-time Mom. I'd like to be a full-time Dad. Isn't one of the factor's in your decision on your future plans w/H S5 & D3? Like I said, when I signed up to be a dad, I signed up for the full time version.
The girls are with you the majority of the time because you feel it's best to start and end a schoolday in the same home. But I think comments like the one above speak to the idea that you are holding on to your indignation and that there is more behind your actions than just what's best for the girls.
I'm not a licensed psychologist, but I think that I could get you and many other lay people as well as mental health professionals to agree that I what I think is in the best interest of the girls is really not an unreasonable plan.
It is possible that . . . history has trained her?
Possibly. If I think about it, I can remember 3 times in the past 17 months that I spoke ill of W in front of DD's. The day the D papers came. I mentioned that I thought D was wrong unless someone was being abused or a drunk or on drugs. The day she told them about OM. I mentioned that I wouldn't date anyone. Sometime during the 3rd week D15's report card remained at WAW's apt. I mentioned that if I had D15's report card for 3 weeks Mom would be all over me for withholding information, but that was not a loud tirade.
Either way, it seems she is trying to predict your reactions and act accordingly.
Could be. Last night D14 & I talked about her going to IC. She said that she didn't want to b/c she didn't want to talk about her thoughts and feelings b/c she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
She has her own emotions to deal with and that's all she should have to deal with right now.
You are so right. I try my best to keep my thoughts and feelings about the sitch to myself when I'm around DD's. I don't want them to have the added task of processing their thoughts and feelings thru the extra step of asking, "Now if I say this, will Mom/Dad think I'm being critical of Mom/Dad?" Not really fair for a teenager to expect them to accept that they need to handle more than their R w/friends and schoolwork.
In summation, this is a boundary that I have set up. WAW can do what she wants with whom she wants when she wants as long as it is not affecting DD's or me adversely. I don't and never have withheld DD's from her. I've offered to share DD's w/WAW on Wed PM ("my" night). She declined. I've offered to share DD's on Sat or Sun when they are with me. She declined. I asked if she was coming to D14's birthday party with her friends at my home, she declined. I think that there is a difference b/w indignation and setting a boundary in the best interest of one's children.
