You sound good :-) Anyway, I meant to add one more thing yesterday. I personally don't think it is a bad thing at all to let your spouse see your anger -- he is sleeping with you and taking OW to an event and chatting with her? I'd be pissed. No one deserves to be treated so shabbily and I see no reason why he shouldn't be aware of the hurt and anger it leads to.
The problem though is very subtle -- *why* share the anger? If you simply want to communicate the anger and your choice as to how to respond to it, that seems fine. "I saw those pictures and then I see that you are still sexually involved with OW on some level. It disgusts me that you would treat me like this and that I would allow it. I deserve better and it would be self-abuse for me to do anything other than to choose not to be involved with you sexually or romantically." END OF STORY
See, it is the END OF STORY part that is tricky. In most cases, we communicate anger to try to work something out. We expect to work THROUGH the fight toward resolution. THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN RIGHT NOW. He may say things to appease you. But, he is not engaged in the R so you can't work on the R right now to find resolution to your anger.
We also communicate anger and hurt to find comfort. Trust me, my MC told me this and it took a long while for me to get it. It is horrendously unhealthy for you and the R to seek comfort from him from pain that he is causing you directly, or for any other reason for that matter, right now. For an extreme analogy here, but I can't think of another way to get this across, think how unhealthy it is for a physically abused wife to depend on comfort from her abuser. Clearly this isn't your position, but there is something of the same kind of sickness in seeking comfort from someone who is no longer there for you. (Though, of course, he would protest no doubt that he will "always be there for you," it is NOT TRUE. He will not, for instance, refrain from making sexual inneundos to OW even when you might well see them.) It is just no good for you at all to seek comfort from this guy. And, it isn't good for him either. On the one hand, he gets to feel like a good guy and avoid his guilt. On the other hand, he probably resents the h*ll out of the burden of dealing with your emotional well-being right now. So, do more in terms of getting your support and comfort from your friends. I'd suggest you quit covering up for him and share the truth so that your friends can be there for you. You need to protect you right now, not him. And you need the support that you can only get by being honest with those close to you.
Your goals sound terrific! It sounds like getting the visitation set up might facilitate the other two as well.
MommyH- Thanks for your words and the book recommendation. I'm almost done with D7's Narnia books, lol, so I'll check into that next. And thanks for reminding me, I DO deserve better.
Sara - Yes Oldtimer likes to cut thru the BS and calls 'em like she sees them. I'm hoping she adopts me! Seriously, she's has a way of saying it and gtting it to sink in.
Oldtimer - thanks for following up. I'm still thinking about both of your posts and plan on responding...later, after the kiddies are down.
Quick journal for the day - I'm proud of myself! SO started at 8 AM! Calling/texting, then got here around 12:30 (which was late, yet he called to tell me that he knew he said he was going to be here at noon and wanted me to know he was running late - WTH - that is something new!).
Yesterday, after seeing that crap, I told him (in pretty rudimentary terms I can repeat - if ya'all want - they were pretty good ) - anyway pretty much saying no more sex between us. Well, he's got that in his mind now and it's the only thought he seems to have.
He tried to play it off as a joke and I told him I found it offensive and because we were still sleeping together I didn't find it funny. I told him that if we were ever going to do that again we needed to be on the same page about it and we weren't right now.
In the end, I stood my ground, in a nice way. I'm still thinking everything thru and I do not want to be pressured into anything. If he doesn't like it, well, at this point -too damned bad.
I mean up until the other day, it was my choice to continue the physical R with him. I hadn't felt used by it; I was a little skeptical if I should continue - I mean I wasn't burying my head in the sand or anything, I knew he had a PA with this girl, but NOW - that remark changed everything. So I have to sort through those thoughts before anything further happens in that area.
Other than fighting off the octopus, LOL, the day was OK. I went out for a bit; he stayed with the girls. I made him take baby duty while I took a nap. He laid down next to me and wouldn't leave, but I stayed under the covers and wouldn't give in. We ate dinner....I know, OT - the comforts of home. Wasn't sure what to do there. It didn't seem right that we eat without asking him - may have to re-think & change that in the future.
I also had gathered some more of his clothes and told him to take them with him. He asked if he could take the old DVD player (he replaced it with a new one last week or so) - I let him take it. He played with the kids for a bit while I made myself busy in other parts of the house until it was time for him to go. He gave me a hug, thought he might be headed for a kiss but I turned my head because I didn't want to kiss him if that wasn't what he was doing. So we just hugged goodbye.
Be back later with thoughts and QUESTIONS!!! on OT's posts.
Oh - I forgot. He did something strange - he took the phone off the hook the whole time he was here. I didn't say anything, I let it slide this time, but found it curious.
And, when he was leaving, he mentioned something about not being able to come here tomorrow. I actually told him "That's OK, I've got to go out. I've got some things to do."
After reading and re-reading and re-reading your posts again, I've come to the conclusion you're pretty much saying "GO DARK" and "GAL". Am I correct?
I don't see another situation where the WA initiates as much contact as in mine...I mean, he's ALWAYS calling, texting, wanting to ML - he only moved out less than 2 weeks ago at my insistence. I guess what I'm getting at, is because of his constant interactions with me, it confused me as to what DB protocol to use.
And with me being the "distancer" in our R, talking with him more, all that, were 180's for me. I also thought by not giving him ultimatums about OW, letting him go as it were {he was going to do it anyway}, was doing the right DB thing. So, that has me a little confused.
However, as they say, if it's not working - try something new. And I'm willing.
Looks like I may lock up soon. I hate trying to come up with a new title!
I guess in a round about way, I try to figure out WHY he has so much contact with me. I mean, in my own experience, when I've broken up with someone - I didn't call them, text them, sleep with them. Especially if started another R with someone new. When it's over - it's over. So when SO is doing this I translate it to mean "he still cares" and because he still cares, there's still "a chance".
Is he scared he's making a mistake? Absolutely. Even by his own admission. And as evidenced when I tell him to leave me alone.
Is he manipulating me to remain on the back burner until he's "sure" of what it is he wants? It certainly feels that way.
I'm not making any sense. He tells me he wants to break it off. I say OK. Leave me alone. TELLING him to leave me alone seems to incite him further - makes him contact me even MORE. He doesn't just let me be. My going dark scares him. He's not sure he wants me, but he won't let me go, either.
Everything just seems so backwards from others here on the board. In some ways, I want him to stop bothering me - just leave me alone already. If only for him to go figure out what he truly wants - whether it's to be with me or to be with someone else. He doesn't seem to get that. And I don't know what to do.
Quote: so I got back up and decided to do so. Which I did. 2 lines: "Congratulations! Amazing, as always. Now, go get a drink & relax!" SO replied with "thanks!"....yes, back in my mind I was thinking - hope OW wonders who he's texting at midnite!
This was strong NM!
Just remember how he;s treating you, is also how he's treating OW. Only you have many years and kids and skills of strengtht hat she does not have.
I betyou were sooo right baout her being unhappy in thost photos.
I guess you don't need me to remind you to not look up his stuff.
Please. You have so much more power over this situation than you realize.
It doesn't sound like he's happy being in his new place. If he was happy with OW< why would he keep stringing you along?
No, he's confused messed up and I'm sure treating ow terribly. You are strong. You are the rock. You do rock!!!
Now go do something good for yourself! You deserve it!!!
Seriously, she's has a way of saying it and gtting it to sink in.
