You sound good :-) Anyway, I meant to add one more thing yesterday. I personally don't think it is a bad thing at all to let your spouse see your anger -- he is sleeping with you and taking OW to an event and chatting with her? I'd be pissed. No one deserves to be treated so shabbily and I see no reason why he shouldn't be aware of the hurt and anger it leads to.
The problem though is very subtle -- *why* share the anger? If you simply want to communicate the anger and your choice as to how to respond to it, that seems fine. "I saw those pictures and then I see that you are still sexually involved with OW on some level. It disgusts me that you would treat me like this and that I would allow it. I deserve better and it would be self-abuse for me to do anything other than to choose not to be involved with you sexually or romantically." END OF STORY
See, it is the END OF STORY part that is tricky. In most cases, we communicate anger to try to work something out. We expect to work THROUGH the fight toward resolution. THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN RIGHT NOW. He may say things to appease you. But, he is not engaged in the R so you can't work on the R right now to find resolution to your anger.
We also communicate anger and hurt to find comfort. Trust me, my MC told me this and it took a long while for me to get it. It is horrendously unhealthy for you and the R to seek comfort from him from pain that he is causing you directly, or for any other reason for that matter, right now. For an extreme analogy here, but I can't think of another way to get this across, think how unhealthy it is for a physically abused wife to depend on comfort from her abuser. Clearly this isn't your position, but there is something of the same kind of sickness in seeking comfort from someone who is no longer there for you. (Though, of course, he would protest no doubt that he will "always be there for you," it is NOT TRUE. He will not, for instance, refrain from making sexual inneundos to OW even when you might well see them.) It is just no good for you at all to seek comfort from this guy. And, it isn't good for him either. On the one hand, he gets to feel like a good guy and avoid his guilt. On the other hand, he probably resents the h*ll out of the burden of dealing with your emotional well-being right now. So, do more in terms of getting your support and comfort from your friends. I'd suggest you quit covering up for him and share the truth so that your friends can be there for you. You need to protect you right now, not him. And you need the support that you can only get by being honest with those close to you.
Your goals sound terrific! It sounds like getting the visitation set up might facilitate the other two as well.
