Sometimes I feel back in high school. I backslid today, SO texted & called around noon to say he was up. I was still feeling hurt after seeing the pix. I was a little short with him, told him to go back to bed, and we didn't need to talk with him until tonight. He picked up on my tone. We hung up, with him still questioning my attitude. After we hung up, I said to myself - screw it - he wants to know, I'll tell him. So, and here was my downfall, I called him back and told him. Explained that my attitude was due to seeing the pix. Told him I wasn't expecting to see them and they caught me off guard and were upsetting to me. He said "she was only there for an hour." I said, "It doesn't even matter - that's the problem. You have your life over there and I keep forgetting that." I said "technically I have no reason to be upset, but I still am and I was only calling back to explain and apologize for taking it out on you." Then, I added something along the lines of "everything feeling like a big joke." He questioned what I thought was "a joke".

I ended up changing the subject back to him and the event and we ended the call decently. Then he started with the texts - "I miss the kids very much. I am off tomorrow- ill get there early" I replied, "I know you miss the kids". He responded "I know you know thats not all." I asked "What do you mean?" He answered "Sitting here alone. Watching bowling. Not a good time. Tired." Now, I started, another mistake: "That made me think of the song line "when mommy & daddy can't make it work".". and "Sorry about how things are. It's this way for a reason, even you said so. Get some sleep. That always helps. "

I stayed away from the computer for a while knowing I've already done enough damage for the day, and took a nap. When I woke up, I checked my email, saw he was on and clicked on his name just as he signed off. That brought up his profile which says he changed it again to something sexually explicit for OW.

Now it goes even further downhill....I texted that line to him and told him he wasn't getting "it" from me anymore. That's started another go-round of texts. Him saying it was only to "shut her up, it was stupid, and he'd change it later." I just took it as a deeply personal insult, I felt that every time we slept together, it was just because he could. I don't even know how to explain this.

All I know is I've got to seriously get some real distance from this whole mess. I don't want to be involved in it anymore, yet I somehow find myself doing the exact opposite of what I should. All of this could have been avoided if I would have only taken my own advice and shut my mouth and beat my pride down. But I couldn't and didn't. And this all feels like it could have been avoided; shouldn't even have been brought up. I just want to give up.