LOL - Actually I'm too damned tired too even finish anything else! That completely wiped me out. Not just physically, but mentally for some reason as well.
So now I'm just going to lay here for a bit. And look at the TV in it's new spot.
All quiet here today! SO called last evening around 9:30, something I wasn't expecting...also something he didn't have to do......He knew D7 would already be in bed. He called once, I heard the phone but was downstairs and wasn't rushing anywhere to get it. LOL He left a message, questioning where I was. He called back about 10 minutes later. He was calling to tell me they (work) called it quits early for the night and he was headed to his place to get some sleep. He had to be back up at 4 AM today and work until midnite tonight (it's a charity event). We only talked for a few minutes.
He called a few times today; the 1st time I let the machine get it. After that, D3 must have been playing with the phone and it was off the hook, unbeknownst to me. I took a nap and woke to a few texts and some missed calls on my cell wondering where we were. I put the phone back on the hook and it immediately rang. He spoke with D7, then asked for me. He told me his friend was coming here to bring my explorer back (SO had taken it to use in the snow the other day) and would take his car to him where he was working and that he'd probably come here tomorrow. I'm only speculating here, but I'm not counting on that.
When friend & friends GF got here, we ate dinner with the kids. The GF asked a few strange questions - on one hand, they know SO has moved out, but she was asking things that sounded to me like she thought we were still together. Very strange, this is the 2nd friend this week that has questioned what's going on with us. And, I didn't really answer the questions to her...kind of avoided any direct answers. Inside I'm wondering what the heck SO is saying to these people. I mean, the questions are just weird. I know enough NOT to dwell on this too much, but I wish I could just ask a few questions!
While friend was getting the car out of the garage, SO called and started yelling at me about where friend was! This kind of made me mad, but I kept it to myself and just told him that he was headed out in a few minutes. SO said well I needed my shirt, blah, blah, blah at 5:00! (Besides the fact that friend didn't get here until 4:30 and it's an hour drive back to where SO is !!???) I just asked why he was yelling at ME. He calmed down and we said good-bye.
Last night when SO's charity event was about wrapping up, I went online to check his website where they post the amount raised. No big deal until I looked at the pix. And what do I see. Pic of OW there at the event. That left me feeling very sad. This is a kids charity event and all I could think was how the kids & I used to always go to it with him. Now, the OW is more important. I had originally gone one to send him a text congratulating him on making the goal, but I got upset and didn't.
I went back to bed and thought about it a little more. Decided if I "hadn't" seen the pix, what would I have done? I would have sent a nice text; HE didn't put the pictures on there, probably didn't even know about them - so I got back up and decided to do so. Which I did. 2 lines: "Congratulations! Amazing, as always. Now, go get a drink & relax!" SO replied with "thanks!"....yes, back in my mind I was thinking - hope OW wonders who he's texting at midnite!
I also looked at the pictures (only 2) again and noticed a couple of things...go with me folks, trying make myself feel better here...First, she wasn't sitting near him, and 2nd - she did NOT look happy at all!! She wasn't smiling, that's for sure. It was pretty crappy, thinking about how they would be going out afterwards (like we used to do); it took me a long time to fall asleep. I was trying not to think that he didn't call because she was with him.
This morning I'm doing everything I can to get myself back in a better mood. I really hate sitting around the house, but not much to do in the cold weather with the 3 kids and little $$. I refuse to have a pity party for myself.
Sometimes I feel back in high school. I backslid today, SO texted & called around noon to say he was up. I was still feeling hurt after seeing the pix. I was a little short with him, told him to go back to bed, and we didn't need to talk with him until tonight. He picked up on my tone. We hung up, with him still questioning my attitude. After we hung up, I said to myself - screw it - he wants to know, I'll tell him. So, and here was my downfall, I called him back and told him. Explained that my attitude was due to seeing the pix. Told him I wasn't expecting to see them and they caught me off guard and were upsetting to me. He said "she was only there for an hour." I said, "It doesn't even matter - that's the problem. You have your life over there and I keep forgetting that." I said "technically I have no reason to be upset, but I still am and I was only calling back to explain and apologize for taking it out on you." Then, I added something along the lines of "everything feeling like a big joke." He questioned what I thought was "a joke".
I ended up changing the subject back to him and the event and we ended the call decently. Then he started with the texts - "I miss the kids very much. I am off tomorrow- ill get there early" I replied, "I know you miss the kids". He responded "I know you know thats not all." I asked "What do you mean?" He answered "Sitting here alone. Watching bowling. Not a good time. Tired." Now, I started, another mistake: "That made me think of the song line "when mommy & daddy can't make it work".". and "Sorry about how things are. It's this way for a reason, even you said so. Get some sleep. That always helps. "
I stayed away from the computer for a while knowing I've already done enough damage for the day, and took a nap. When I woke up, I checked my email, saw he was on and clicked on his name just as he signed off. That brought up his profile which says he changed it again to something sexually explicit for OW.
Now it goes even further downhill....I texted that line to him and told him he wasn't getting "it" from me anymore. That's started another go-round of texts. Him saying it was only to "shut her up, it was stupid, and he'd change it later." I just took it as a deeply personal insult, I felt that every time we slept together, it was just because he could. I don't even know how to explain this.
All I know is I've got to seriously get some real distance from this whole mess. I don't want to be involved in it anymore, yet I somehow find myself doing the exact opposite of what I should. All of this could have been avoided if I would have only taken my own advice and shut my mouth and beat my pride down. But I couldn't and didn't. And this all feels like it could have been avoided; shouldn't even have been brought up. I just want to give up.
Sorry about the bad day, and very sorry your P is talking out both sides of his mouth. But, there is not much you can do about it except treat yourself well. I think you are looking for a 2x4 here, but watch out because it may be a 4x6...
Now, ask yourself why you went into that stuff with him? And, be honest. My guess is a combination of 2 factors:
(1) You sought reassurance that he was not "with" OW and that he missed you desperately at the event. (2) You wanted to control him by startling him in some way that would change *him*.
As to (1), I see you can get as much reassurance as you want from this guy, he's willing to dispense it out to anyone who needs it apparently, including OW. Face it, you should not ASSume that you can rely on any reASSurance you are getting from this guy. How many more times are you going to step in front of the bus?
As to (2), the only person you can change is yourself. Quit trying to manipulate the situation so that it appears like you want it appear and take it at face value. Quit waiting for the world to morph into the one you want to see. Your SO has left you, he is involved with OW and doing things for her without regard or respect for you, he is experiencing pain through this transition. And, you know what? You are sugar coating the pain for him by being there and available in everyway for him. He feels no loss. He's preserved his option to buy while investigating other properties. Meanwhile, the owner of the life at issue — YOU — absorbs all the costs of his life choices.
It is time to envision a different world in which you are responsible for your own happiness and you are free from this unhealthy, unattractive enmeshment. QUIT waiting and MAKE the world morph into that world. Because, that world is within your grasp.
QUIT texting him. QUIT taking his phone calls. QUIT hanging out with him and soothing the little aches and pains that come with abandoning his P and family.
As for the sex, quit blaming HIM for your pain. He MOVED OUT. He made you NO PROMISES. YOU CHOSE to have sex for your own reasons, maybe based on what YOU WANTED to see rather than what is going on. You had consensual sex. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM HERE. IF YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP ABOUT THE SEX, TAKE OWNERSHIP OF THAT. Refuse to have sex again until YOU KNOW it will mean what you want it to mean. And, be very clear in your own head about what you want it to mean.
Why in the world do you choose to be treated like a stray dog begging for scraps and then wag your tail when you get one? When will you choose to be treated like an intelligent, compassionate, strong, funny, passionate woman who deserves to be treated with kindness and respect and set your boundaries for interaction consistent with what such a person deserves? I'd suggest NOW, because, you see, you are such a person.
You cannot break out of this self-destructive pattern until you choose to do so. Use your anger toward P to move the TV again, or paint a room. Remove evidence of him from your household. Make it YOUR home. Get on the internet and find FREE things to do with your children, there are PLENTY. Look in the weekend section, check with your library and local museums. Establish a visitation schedule so that P has to care for the children while you do other things. Go for a nice long walk tonight.
Thanks Sara - it's enough to know you're out there! And thanks, OT. As always, your comments & advice are very appreciated. I keep seeing myself as that ugly little dog Toto, begging for a scrap - not a very flattering picture to see of one's self.
With that picture in my head, I realize that I need to take a breather from all of this. I need to work on me. Not half-assed like I've been. But completely & truly for me & my children. If I admit it to myself, I've been doing things with the intent (consciously or otherwise) of trying to get more of those "scraps" from SO. Maybe hoping it would lead to a bigger meal. No matter, time to stop that way of thinking.
I don't know what I'm going to do from here on out. I know I need to start at the beginning, again. That's always the best place to start. I just don't know what that means right now. Since I'm a "list" person - I need to start by making a list of what I need to do to get back on my feet - without SO. Job; daycare; visitation schedule.
Not Married: Don't settle for anything less than you deserve... I did for a while and realized that I am worth more, I deserve better. I told my H this and he seems to be listening. I said it once, not emotionally, but in a matter of factly sort of way...
I am telling you get this book, "Feel the Fear, and Do it Anyway" - great book and it really will help YOU...
