I guess I was seeking some reassurance that it was the "right" thing to do in this confusing mess.
If I were being really truthful, I guess I would have to say that I had already made up my mind to put his stuff away. And, if even more truth be told - I wanted to do it last week - the day after he left. Maybe that's how I deal with things - push them away out of sight.
Just like pushing him to move out. I pushed because I couldn't deal with things anymore; the way they were. So now, I pushed him out and I don't have to deal with that hurt anymore. True, it's been replaced with a different kind of hurt, though now I see it as one that "I" am responsible for; one that I caused to myself. I can deal with the hurt I cause myself - own it, deal with it, accept it. It's when someone else hurts me that I have difficulties.
I just had a thought that maybe subconsciously I'm doing this just to see what he'll do or say about it. I have to wonder if I've gone crazy. Am I fishing for "answers" of some sort from him? Him moving out - well, it left me with one question I can't seem to get past - does he see this as a "separation" or as a "termination".
Damned horrorscope: "Deep in your heart, there's profound misgiving. Even deeper in your heart, there's a sense of absolute certainty about the same matter. You feel torn between an urge to alter everything and a strong yearning to continue exactly as you are. These contradictory impulses can't both be valid, can they? In a funny way, they can. It's right for you to do what you are doing. It's also right for you to be unsure about it. Without an awkward inner dilemma, there would be no sensitivity, no sanity and, ultimately, no success. Venus is about to change signs."
