And yes, I have read some of OT's other posts and find them incredibly helpful and insightful. Sometimes what we don't want to hear is exactly what we need to hear. Hard as it is.
I realize I've screwed up for so long, I'm beginning to doubt everything I do. I thought I was trying to keep at a distance for awhile - but he's pushing this stuff. I thought I was trying to step back and clear my head a little and I wasn't ready for him to both move out and take the kids all within 5 days. Mix it in with his confusion, his conflicting words/actions - boy, I'm a wreck. And I don't want to be that way.
My self-pitying statement about him not coming home is just that...self-pitying. I don't necessarily believe it, just my bad mood coming out.
I always thought I was incredibly open-minded. I always thought that I was willing & open to new ideas. SO always seemed to be the one "set in his ways" and disinterested in anyone's opinion - especially if it was in direct contrast to his opinion. It's interesting to realize there's different ways to be "controlling"; although I have to admit, I was trying to control this situation with the kids for my own self-serving purposes. I know one of the issues with the OW is that she wants to meet his family and the kids. This was stated to me by her mother 2 months ago. I hope they all get sick and puke all over her. LMAO! Sorry kids - I really don't want you to get sick - but I do want her covered with vomit. And a little poop under the finger nails for good measure.
OK - so, here's a rough draft of an email to..well, whatever I'm supposed to call him these days....
"I apologize, SO. For being a potential b!tch about all this. You're right, there's no real reason why you shouldn't spend time with the kids this weekend.
I would like to express my preference that no one else be there until we have had time to transition thru this. I may be confusing my feelings with the kids feelings, but I thought I would ask you to at least consider this.
With this in mind, we should probably set up a mutually agreeable visitation schedule so that we can avoid unnecessary conflicts in the future. If you can give me a tentative schedule of when you would like to take them, I would really appreciate it."
So - anyone and everyone please critique as you see fit. I need all the help I can these days!
boy, I'm a wreck. And I don't want to be that way.
That's a great start. You have to WANT to change!
I know one of the issues with the OW is that she wants to meet his family and the kids. This was stated to me by her mother 2 months ago. I hope they all get sick and puke all over her. LMAO! Sorry kids - I really don't want you to get sick - but I do want her covered with vomit. And a little poop under the finger nails for good measure.
Well, for what it's worth, if I ever found out that OM met MY kids I would lose it totally! You are ahead of me on this one...
As I think about it - it's the exact reason why I don't want the kids to meet the OW. She's a 24 year old girl. I know this is a sore point between them. I like knowing there's trouble in their world. And having the kids every other weekend....isn't that enabling things?? I mean they can have the fantasy every other weekend. That's horrible. I know - it's wrong of me to think that way and not a conducive way to repairing things. Just needed to get it out.
I don't know. I really thought I was letting things go. I mean, I never stopped him from seeing her; not that I had any control over it - that's not what I mean. I mean that I didn't interfere. even when I knew that's what he was doing; that's where he was going. And now, I've pushed him out of the house, directly into open arms; I'm going to be forced to watch my kids meet this girl; and watch him do everything to make THAT relationship work. Watch him do all the things that WE should have done to repair our R. This sucks.
Never mind...I'm rambling.
Thanks, GH....I'll take that out. My way of thinking was that it was Admitting I was wrong to him and acknowledging that I wasn't being quite as agreeable as I had thought.
Lol, you are not the first to do so. I picked "oldtimer" because it was gender neutral and I am often vague in my posts intentionally for my own reasons. I am actually a very happy, very feminine woman in a wonderful new marriage with a new baby on the way :-) I'm simply as direct with you and as hard on you as my DB friends were when I was in not so good a place. Once you start getting happier (YES, YOU WILL, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS), then the "cut the crap, quit coddling, be pretty freaking direct" modus operandi will likely become more familiar to you.
Anyway, try to stop second guessing yourself. You aren't SUPPOSED to already know how to deal with this. How would you??? Look, SO is just as confused as you. Also, SO is likely all over the map same as you -- I'll just be here a week, I'm never going back, why did I ever leave, how could I have stayed, blah blah blah.
As for OW being so keen on meeting the kids and introducing them around (GAG), it may very well backfire on her. Anyone I've known that has really been serious about a LTR with someone with kids has been VERY worried about taking it slow, being sure about the R, etc... So, meeting the kids may have been an excuse for her to keep from getting more serious (probably unconsiously). And, if so, as the roadblocks disappear to them being together in "the perfect relationship" they would only have if only the world didn't conspire against them, the more they will have to deal with their R, rather than an overromanticized "us against the world" R, if that makes any sense.
Also, don't be surprised if he does a lot of things that he didn't used to do, like wanting to hang with the kids. After all, aren't you also doing a lot of things differently. You are BOTH probably gritting your teeth saying, WTF couldn't SO do that before things reached this point???? Well, because, you were both stuck in an unproductive rut in your R that wasn't doing anyone any good. It took a big painful kick to get them unstuck, but now you both are growing in different ways. So, don't resent the growth. And, if you can detach and accept that things have come to this, your growth will be much deeper, richer, and faster because you aren't masking your pain with a fantasy world.
My 2 cents, I thought your new email sounded great. (I agree with GH about the b*tch part. Why not be honest -- it was a shock, and I've reconsidered...)
Quote: boy, I'm a wreck. And I don't want to be that way.
That's a great start. You have to WANT to change!
I know one of the issues with the OW is that she wants to meet his family and the kids. This was stated to me by her mother 2 months ago. I hope they all get sick and puke all over her. LMAO! Sorry kids - I really don't want you to get sick - but I do want her covered with vomit. And a little poop under the finger nails for good measure.
Well, for what it's worth, if I ever found out that OM met MY kids I would lose it totally! You are ahead of me on this one...
GH
Just saw this....yes, I DO want to change. I've always wanted to change. I realized long before now that we did have problems - only thing was, I didnt realize that I could (or should) be the one to start the ball rolling. I was so caught up in work, kids, etc - (excuses???)...anyway - I never realized that there were tools like DBing out there that could help. How stupid is that.
Humor....sick, misdirected, uncalled for...well, it has to help me thru the days...or hours. It's the only way I can deal right now. Imagining both of them trying to figure out how to get poop out from under their fingernails....or thinking about how OW won't able to study with a baby screaming in the background...or even SO suffering thru endless hours of teletubbies - well, that has to suffice in easing my pain until I can find some voo-doo dolls!
Oh, one other thing. Given SO was so worried about whether having sex was OK, the right thing to do, worried he'd taken advantage of you maybe, he probably has good reason for feeling like a sh*t for sleeping with you. That is, he is probably cheating on you physically. Of course, realize, that I have NO WAY of knowing this. But, his massive show of guilt is probably motivated by something you don't know that he thinks if you did know would prevent you from sleeping with him. Whether or not you sleep with him is your biz. Don't do it though if you feel used, but only when you choose to because it is what you want for whatever reason. Still, given he has moved out and has an R with someone else, you owe it to yourself and your children to practice safe sex. You might want to speak with a sex educator about this. I did and I was surprised about many things. For instance, a BJ poses a risk of AIDS. Using a condom does not protect you from herpes. Something like 1/5 of people have herpes but don't know it, etc... Maybe you know all this stuff. I didn't, having gotten married just prior to AIDS becoming something women knew they had to worry about.
SO called after receiving the email. I gave the phone to D7 and let her answer it. He spoke with her and then D3 took the phone and was off for a little while...lol. I was trying to finish cooking dinner (fried chicken, his favorite) when I got the phone for my turn.
He told me he got the email - I didn't know he had, and I was honestly surprised and said "You did? OK." He went on to say he had wireless in the complex he was at so he could check his email at the apartment - then he asked what he heard...I told him it was the chicken frying and said I'm sorry, I've really got to go before everything burns. I will talk to you soon , have a good night. I said this all very bubbly & upbeat.
I'm not even sure what he said to that, but he seemed a little surprised that I ended the call. I think he's surprised about the email as well and that turn of events. I think he was expecting I was going to fight him tooth & nail. Well, thanks to everyone here, there's really no use in prolonging the inevitable.
He also sounded very down - I have to wonder if he's intentionally sounding that way. Well, either that or he's thinking about my chicken and the dinner that he's missing!!! I know he likes it and it really wasn't intentional that I spoke of it - I mean, he could hear the chicken frying! LOL
I guess it's pointless to try and presume what he's thinking / feeling / acting - intentional or otherwise. I have to stop wondering those things, although it's very hard.
My friend in FL called - I had emailed her about the warm welcome home I received. Anyway - she's never really liked SO and is all about getting him out of my life. That disappointed me a little. Not having her in my corner. Oh well.
Anyway, I guess I've calmed down a bit with everyone's posts/ advice/ thoughts. I appreciate everyone's help. I'm sure I'll be back for more!!
Lol, you are not the first to do so. I picked "oldtimer" because it was gender neutral and I am often vague in my posts intentionally for my own reasons. I am actually a very happy, very feminine woman in a wonderful new marriage with a new baby on the way :-)
LOL - I'm sorry I thought you were of the opposite persuasion! Congratulations on the baby - your first? When are you due?
Quote: I'm simply as direct with you and as hard on you as my DB friends were when I was in not so good a place. Once you start getting happier (YES, YOU WILL, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS), then the "cut the crap, quit coddling, be pretty freaking direct" modus operandi will likely become more familiar to you.
Actually, this has been going on for almost 2 years.** So it's not as though it's all "new" to me. I didn't find this site until September maybe, so I was slogging through until then. **This also answers your sex question - yes, there is a physical R between them ~ SO & I have actually discussed it in the past.
I really appreciate the DIRECT approach - and it may be why I have so many problems just letting SO lie and acting "as if". I would prefer the truth - no matter much it may hurt, because then I can deal with it accordingly.
I don't like being told untruth's, stories, or BS to spare my feelings. When someone lies to me, I feel like I'm not being given the opportunity to make up my own mind, make an informed decision. Like my responsibility is being taken away from me or something.
Quote: As for OW being so keen on meeting the kids and introducing them around (GAG), it may very well backfire on her. Anyone I've known that has really been serious about a LTR with someone with kids has been VERY worried about taking it slow, being sure about the R, etc... So, meeting the kids may have been an excuse for her to keep from getting more serious (probably unconsiously). And, if so, as the roadblocks disappear to them being together in "the perfect relationship" they would only have if only the world didn't conspire against them, the more they will have to deal with their R, rather than an overromanticized "us against the world" R, if that makes any sense.
Ya know - SO actually stated this to me at one point. One minute he was blaming my unwillingness to let OW meet the kids, then next had said he didn't want her to meet them because it would mean "they" had to move to the next level of their R. He IS all over the map. And, in truth, was one of the reasons why I had wanted him to move out. I just really wasn't ready for the reality of what 'moving out' would mean.
Quote: Also, don't be surprised if he does a lot of things that he didn't used to do, like wanting to hang with the kids. After all, aren't you also doing a lot of things differently. You are BOTH probably gritting your teeth saying, WTF couldn't SO do that before things reached this point???? Well, because, you were both stuck in an unproductive rut in your R that wasn't doing anyone any good. It took a big painful kick to get them unstuck, but now you both are growing in different ways. So, don't resent the growth. And, if you can detach and accept that things have come to this, your growth will be much deeper, richer, and faster because you aren't masking your pain with a fantasy world.
I actually think that the kids and I are a lot better prepared for this than he is. I mean, he hasn't really been around a whole hell of a lot since January of last year when his work schedule changed to mornings. WE are used to him not being here. It's not that much of a change for us. HE's the one that now has these changes thrust upon him - he's going home to an empty (literally) apartment. He's got to call the kids instead of seeing them; he's got to hear us laughing & horsing around when he calls; he's missing the home cooked meals and eating take out every night.
Intellectually, I knew all of this when I was asking him to move out. Emotionally though, it's still hard.
Like I said in a previous post, I've wanted change for a long time. I was just in the dark about how to go about it. Now, all of a sudden, things are coming to light - would've's; should've's; could've's. But I will not dwell on that - I have to strive for a better R with him in the future, whatever it may be. Regardless, we will be in each other's lives as long as we have children. There's no getting around that.
Quote: My 2 cents, I thought your new email sounded great.
Ah, so you know about the PA. Well, then, why his sudden issues? I'd say that he promised OW not to cheat on HER, lol. That big guilt is coming from somewhere. Anyway, it is a possibility that YOU are starting to become the interesting one to him in all this mess as the one he is sneaking around with, lol. WTF knows. Really no reason to think about it, but I can make up stories as well as the rest of y'all.
Anyway, with respect to OW and the kids, just tell him that you are concerned about the kids and prefer not to have them introduced to OW until you can let them know together. Also, you might suggest that you check with a professional to see what the best way is to go about it. But, put the responsibility squarely on his shoulders. Because that is where it is. Ultimately, the kids will meet her when HE decides, no matter what he promises you. Here's a thought you might share with him. The kids should NOT be the path to the next level, he should be on that level before he brings the kids into this. Why? For two reasons. First, if he feels as though introducing OW to the kids is that high stakes, then he will lose freedom once he does so to really evaluate where he is and what he wants. He'll feel he has to stay with her (more or less) because he took things that far. Second, it will be difficult and confusing for the kids. They shouldn't have to put up with it UNTIL he is sure that he is invested in seeing it be a LTR or M.
Anyway, that comment from your SO just shows how out of control he is. He sees this stuff as happening to him rather than him running his own life.
Baby girl, July 9. My first, his third. Both second marriages :-) I am so grateful for DBing because now I know what I want from an R and appreciate it so much more. It is a totally different second M than I would have had otherwise, I'm sure. It is what a healthy passionate supportive honest trusting M is supposed to be like.
I will likely not be around much, I hope. I have a HUGE STRESSFUL PROJECT that I am procrastinating on, and it is so much more immediately rewarding to come here and help people... But, I have to buckle down and work like crazy.
