Journaling

SO got here about 1/2 hour later than he was going to today....he did come with a new DVD/VCR combo to replace the one we have who's VCR isn't working. I thought it merely needed to be cleaned, but his guilt must be working OT. And, with little kids - I really need that VCR, Lol! (Not that we don't have 3 others in the house!).

Anyway, on his way here, he texted me that he "drank too many red bulls"....this was code for he was wanting ....

I replied with "LMAO - what's that mean?"
Him "whatever YOU want it to mean."
Me: "Hmmm...I know what I HOPE it means. " He didn't receive this one before he arrived.

So, he's here and he's acting very, very strange. Very quiet...seemingly (hopefully!) sad & morose. He was in the kitchen with the girls and he asked "What's for dinner?" Then edited himself and said "What are you guys having for dinner?". D7 said spaghetti & meatballs. They head to the living room and SO says "I'm sorry about the red bull texts. They were uncalled for." and continued into the living room. At this point, I felt a little like a fool about my last text that he didn't get.

As I was making dinner I went and asked him if he wanted to eat with us. He said yes. I finished dinner and called everyone to the table. While they were headed in, I went to the computer and FWDed a copy of the text I sent him to his email address along with "Now I feel like an ass.". I knew he wouldn't get the text until he was back in cell range and knew he would check email while he was here and I felt silly that he implied, I agreed, then he took it back.

While we were eating he asked me again about the texts. I was in a good mood, had been upbeat around him - not blue like he was acting. I indirectly answered him, chuckling a little. He asked why I wouldn't answer him. I asked if he got my last text and he said no. I told him that I FWDed it to him. He asked what it said but I was too embarrassed to tell him. He got up and went and checked his email, came back and asked why I just didn't tell him that.

After I got home from grocery store, etc., he asked again...if I wanted to. At this point, I did, however it was starting to feel like something not quite so intimate - rather something purely for physical reasons. But I said to myself, what the hell. So we did. I felt a little used, but then I used him, too. I'm trying not to think if it means anything or it doesn't at this point. Maybe in the future, I'll have to rethink this, but for now, I was OK with it. And, he even asked me: "Should we be doing this. Are you OK with it?" And I said yes.

Afterwards, he made a real quick exit. I knew he was tired, and he was almost falling asleep here. Like I said, he also seemed very, very down in the dumps. He said to D7 as we were downstairs saying goodbye "Say a prayer for all of us, please honey."

He called again a few minutes ago....asking again if what we did was uncalled for....I told him, No, it wasn't uncalled for and I was OK with it. He said he was sorry he left so hurriedly but he was real tired, then I did something I usually don't get to do...I took control of the call and told him "that's ok, I know you're tired. Have a good night" {ending the conversation}. He seemed a little surprised and said OK, talk to you tomorrow.

Don't know if what we did was really uncalled for or not. Some other things I forgot...while I was making dinner, D7 decided she didn't feel like going to girl scouts so SO told her she didn't have to, but to ask mommy. I came into the living room and told her that she had to go. She started crying & acting up and SO said don't make her go if she doesn't want to. He was laying on the couch and he grabbed me, I bent over him - heads upside down to each other, while holding his hands...I said what's going to happen when she's a teen and is "too tired" to go to school? he said, she's going to go to school. I said what happens when she gets older and is "too tired" to get a job or go to work? Then I looked into his eyes (yeah, upside down - think of that Spiderman scene) and said quietly, but matter of factly, there's times when we all have to do things we really don't want to do. He said, "Don't I know it." {BTW, D7 went to girl scouts.}

He also took one bar of his soap from the bathroom. He's got a whole 10 pack of it, so I told him he might as well take it all because I don't use it I have my own brand. He said - I don't need to take it all. I don't want to. He also didn't take anything else. Nothing, no clothes, shoes, not one thing. He stated that he has nothing at his place - no dishes, silverware, etc. ..but he didn't even take "HIS" cereal bowl (yes, he's got a special one. lol)

He questioned what I did in Florida...I think. He said "Were you thinking of having sex when you were out" I said no, then he overlapped with "or didn't it come up?" I'm not really sure if he meant in FL or when I was at the store. ??

Right now, I've realized that I didn't really thank him for the VCR/DVD thing. I asked him what it was, and he said it was a new one. I responded with "Thank you. I think the VCR only needed to be cleaned." I'm thinking that I will send an email that specifically thanks him for it. He didn't have to buy it, after all.

Sorry if this is scattered...I'm just trying to remember things. I think all in all, today went well. I didn't want to act "too happy", I mean it is the day after he moved. But, I was upbeat, pleasant, and tried to be as conscientious as I possibly could about what he was potentially thinking / feeling. Kept my tone mild & pleasant. I think I did OK.