Quote: I'm still trying to figure out detachment vs. going dark. Maybe if I had figured out "detachment" before, it wouldn't have come down to him moving out. My mistake. ------------------------------------------------------------ I once lamented that we all seem to be in a race to see if we can learn to detach before D or S forces us to. That is what you figured out. When there is physical space it forces you to understand some of the finer points of detachment, but there is still a LOT of work to do to learn to not react to his junk and move on with your life apart from him.
It seemed that every time I tried to truly detach when he was here, he would sense it and purposely drag me back in. I'd set boundaries - he'd cross them. Admittedly, I was the one who deemed a physical separation as possibly being the best thing for us. Time will tell if I'm right or wrong, I suppose.
You're right - I could NOT stop reacting to his JUNK!! lol I'd try - sometimes it worked, sometimes it did not. I felt like I could never catch a break anywhere - not from him; the kids; housework; never ending things just kept falling into my lap. I didn't have time to think - yet, somehow I had too much time.
Quote: You sound like you are doing just fine with that laundry list of things you want to accomplish. Keep that up and as for the LRT being more of the same, I think many parts of DB/DR are more of the same from all of us. For me, the GAL part is more of the same because I have been absent for much of our marriage so it's really hard for me to GAL without pouring salt in that wound.
GAL for me is very difficult. Not because I don't want to. I just don't have the resources - i.e. money for a sitter, money for pretty much anything, really; it seems everything revolves around getting a sitter and lack of money.
Getting a job is, for me anyway, a step in the direction of GAL. In addition to potentially being able to contribute financially. {Something he constantly reminds me that I don't do. He seems to think being a stay at home mother is a piece of a cake and I live a life of leisure. HAH! } I'm also hoping it well help me make some new friends, get a bit more social, assist in getting my mind off my sitch. It will also get the kids out of the house and hopefully pre-school will be a good thing for them. I don't want to have them there full-time, though. I'd hate to have them dumped off early in the morning and picked up late at night, so this adds to the difficulties of me trying to find the right job to fit my circumstances.
Quote: For you, I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open and understand that detachment DOES NOT MEAN distancing. It means you don't alter your thoughts/mood/emotions because of his words/actions/emotions. You can talk to him when he calls, express your feelings, etc, just don't get angry when he says stupid. hurtful things. Don't get over excited when he seems to be having a change of heart. Just "be" and let him "be" for awhile without the emotional link that tends to drag you into his disjointed, confused world.
This is a good way of putting it, thank you. Right now, I just want to take a step back. I have no idea how he foresees our future R - or what kind of R he would like to have with me. Sometimes I feel like he's doing this in order to get things back on track with us; however most times I feel as though OW has the most to do with this. I was a roadblock in his R with her, and he wants to take that R to the next level, while somehow keeping me dangling until HE figures out if THAT R is going to work out. I hope I stated that clearly, lol.
Quote: Your to-do list is a great start, now continue and realize that a stronger, more self focused you will make a happier you, and a better person for him should he ever decide to really take a look at what he is losing.
