What do I do? How do I answer his neverending questions & texts; emails - such as "Are you OK?"...his statement that he is hurting; why don't I say anything....it feels like he just keeps ripping open the wounds.
(1) Do not fix it for him. Let him experience the results of his choices. (2) Read my recent post to Grasshopper. (3) Take care of yourself and look for emotional support, but NOT FROM HIM. He is not the person to help you through this pain. It is against your interests in all directions.
Read your advice to GH....very good indeed. In fact, I printed out the last 2 paragraphs just to have on hand in the upcoming hours....days. A reminder to myself.
from your post to GH:
Quote: If she says anything, just tell her that you want to respect both of you by giving you each the space you need to figure out what you each want. That it is not healthy for you to stay in an old R that she has left. That any future H-W R between the two of you, or any other R (friendship, co-parents, strangers) that may replace it, will need to be built with the honesty and trust of two people who know that each has chosen to be in that R with the other. Until the two of you decide to be in the same relationship together, you are respecting both of you as people with emotions and feelings by taking some space to develop your own life.
I thought I've tried to tell my SO this....yet he still seems to like to constantly be vague?, confusing?? misleading???...on purpose..for instance today -he kept saying "this isn't permanent"; "just until we sort things out"; "I don't want to move out, I just don't know what to do"...then the texts that he's hurting...he's sad, he'll call me later to talk.
These are things I don't know how to respond to. I actually told him that emotions were running too high today and we needed to wait a bit to do any talking...and I stayed in a different part of the house when he was taking his things. Just to avoid talk that would perhaps end up badly.
I don't know. Where I do go from here? Do I not answer him? This brings texts/calls/emails saying "Please say something." "Please answer me"; "Please tell me what you're thinking".
Read your advice to GH....very good indeed. In fact, I printed out the last 2 paragraphs just to have on hand in the upcoming hours....days. A reminder to myself.
from your post to GH:
Quote: If she says anything, just tell her that you want to respect both of you by giving you each the space you need to figure out what you each want. That it is not healthy for you to stay in an old R that she has left. That any future H-W R between the two of you, or any other R (friendship, co-parents, strangers) that may replace it, will need to be built with the honesty and trust of two people who know that each has chosen to be in that R with the other. Until the two of you decide to be in the same relationship together, you are respecting both of you as people with emotions and feelings by taking some space to develop your own life.
I thought I've tried to tell my SO this....yet he still seems to like to constantly be vague?, confusing?? misleading???...on purpose..for instance today -he kept saying "this isn't permanent"; "just until we sort things out"; "I don't want to move out, I just don't know what to do"...then the texts that he's hurting...he's sad, he'll call me later to talk.
These are things I don't know how to respond to. I actually told him that emotions were running too high today and we needed to wait a bit to do any talking...and I stayed in a different part of the house when he was taking his things. Just to avoid talk that would perhaps end up badly.
I don't know. Where I do go from here? Do I not answer him? This brings texts/calls/emails saying "Please say something." "Please answer me"; "Please tell me what you're thinking".
The end of a long, crappy day. Thank goodness. I've been putting off doing any hard core "thinking" today...unfortunately I know the thoughts are going to come when I lay down to get some much needed sleep.
SO did ask to speak with me earlier when he called to talk to our daughter. I pretended to be busy in the bathroom and D told him I couldn't talk right now. Also got a text that asked "Are you OK?"...I answered about an hour later with "yes". That was all.
So, time to give him space, right? All in all, I think I did as well as I could today. I didn't cry ( a few trickles - not even sure he saw them); I didn't make any scenes....just stayed out of his way while he took some furniture and clothes.
He will be coming here tomorrow (he asked what time he could come, I told home not before 4 when D7 gets home)...he'll be getting more things then, I suppose, as he didn't take much today. I have no idea what or when he plans on saying anything to the kids...the two oldest are already asking where he is, when he's coming "home". Wasn't very nice for me to be left with that. I have some grocery shopping that I plan on doing when he's here with the kids....anything to avoid any talks that could turn heated....or upsetting....I want to keep my composure at all times when he's around.
Well, today started off with an email from SO apologizing for calling me in the middle of the night. He called around 1 AM (I think - not sure, I was drowsy and fell right back to sleep after the call)...anyway he called to tell me that he wanted me to know he was "alone". So I wouldn't think he was with anyone. WTH? I'm not sure what else he said, I really can't remember, I just recall saying OK, Ok, OK, have a good night kind of thing.
He sent an email this morning apologizing for calling, stating he was "once again only thinking of myself {when he made the call}." Said he would be here today around 3:45 or so. I responded with "It's OK, you didn't bother me. What do you mean you were only thinking of yourself?" He didn't answer that part of the email, but said sent another email with "anyway, I got some stuff moved in yesterday, need a chair and couch, may have to buy some cheap ones, as I will give you the 3 items we bought together 3 years ago, if you can get them clean and if it comes to that...who knows. I am treating this situation as a hotel close to my work for now, maybe its the wrong thing, or maybe its the right thing, I guess time will tell, I know you dont want to hear about it, but I feel I need to keep you in the loop."
I answered with "There's a couch downstairs! 2 of them, as a matter of fact. As for anything else, I don't really know what to say or what to think right now. Or how to look at things. Thanks for telling me what you're thinking - it helps. I'd prefer that I go to the store later...there's some things I need to get. You need to spend the time with the little girls anyway. Even though they can't say it, they love you just as much as D7 does."
He agreed to stay home with the little ones later on so I could go out.
Today, I'm getting organized!! My house is a wreck from me being gone and no one cleaning it. I really hated coming home to a messy house. It made me a little angry, but I guess it's a good thing in a strange kind of way - it gives me something to do and take my mind off things!!!
I've got some calls to make, re: daycare; kids doctor appts; my doctor appt, etc; when I go out later I'll pick up some job applications at a few of the stores in town.
I guess I need to focus and set some goals. I re-read some parts of DR last night and my take is now that he is out of the house, I need to just give him the space....space to miss me, the kids, our life.....I have to focus on me, the girls, my GAL.
I'm still trying to figure out detachment vs. going dark. Maybe if I had figured out "detachment" before, it wouldn't have come down to him moving out. My mistake.
I'm also concerned because my "more of the same" behaviors include not talking to him {he used to always say I never talked enough} - it seems that everything advised in DR in the last resort is everything I had been doing during our R. So, more of the same? That confuses me. But I guess I have to let him go until (if) he wants to come back. Then take it from there. Until then, all I can really do is control my reactions, be more open & friendly. I also don't know how "happy" to act. If I act "too" happy - I know he's going to say "See, you're better off without me around." Catch 22.
That's all for now. Any help deciphering all this is truly welcomed!
PS - I put in my email response verbatim, hoping someone can critique it - let me know what I said that may have been wrong - what I should have said, etc. Thanks!
Quote: I'm still trying to figure out detachment vs. going dark. Maybe if I had figured out "detachment" before, it wouldn't have come down to him moving out. My mistake.
I once lamented that we all seem to be in a race to see if we can learn to detach before D or S forces us to. That is what you figured out. When there is physical space it forces you to understand some of the finer points of detachment, but there is still a LOT of work to do to learn to not react to his junk and move on with your life apart from him. You sound like you are doing just fine with that laundry list of things you want to accomplish. Keep that up and as for the LRT being more of the same, I think many parts of DB/DR are more of the same from all of us. For me, the GAL part is more of the same because I have been absent for much of our marriage so it's really hard for me to GAL without pouring salt in that wound. For you, I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open and understand that detachment DOES NOT MEAN distancing. It means you don't alter your thoughts/mood/emotions because of his words/actions/emotions. You can talk to him when he calls, express your feelings, etc, just don't get angry when he says stupid. hurtful things. Don't get over excited when he seems to be having a change of heart. Just "be" and let him "be" for awhile without the emotional link that tends to drag you into his disjointed, confused world. Your to-do list is a great start, now continue and realize that a stronger, more self focused you will make a happier you, and a better person for him should he ever decide to really take a look at what he is losing.
Quote: I'm still trying to figure out detachment vs. going dark. Maybe if I had figured out "detachment" before, it wouldn't have come down to him moving out. My mistake. ------------------------------------------------------------ I once lamented that we all seem to be in a race to see if we can learn to detach before D or S forces us to. That is what you figured out. When there is physical space it forces you to understand some of the finer points of detachment, but there is still a LOT of work to do to learn to not react to his junk and move on with your life apart from him.
It seemed that every time I tried to truly detach when he was here, he would sense it and purposely drag me back in. I'd set boundaries - he'd cross them. Admittedly, I was the one who deemed a physical separation as possibly being the best thing for us. Time will tell if I'm right or wrong, I suppose.
You're right - I could NOT stop reacting to his JUNK!! lol I'd try - sometimes it worked, sometimes it did not. I felt like I could never catch a break anywhere - not from him; the kids; housework; never ending things just kept falling into my lap. I didn't have time to think - yet, somehow I had too much time.
Quote: You sound like you are doing just fine with that laundry list of things you want to accomplish. Keep that up and as for the LRT being more of the same, I think many parts of DB/DR are more of the same from all of us. For me, the GAL part is more of the same because I have been absent for much of our marriage so it's really hard for me to GAL without pouring salt in that wound.
GAL for me is very difficult. Not because I don't want to. I just don't have the resources - i.e. money for a sitter, money for pretty much anything, really; it seems everything revolves around getting a sitter and lack of money.
Getting a job is, for me anyway, a step in the direction of GAL. In addition to potentially being able to contribute financially. {Something he constantly reminds me that I don't do. He seems to think being a stay at home mother is a piece of a cake and I live a life of leisure. HAH! } I'm also hoping it well help me make some new friends, get a bit more social, assist in getting my mind off my sitch. It will also get the kids out of the house and hopefully pre-school will be a good thing for them. I don't want to have them there full-time, though. I'd hate to have them dumped off early in the morning and picked up late at night, so this adds to the difficulties of me trying to find the right job to fit my circumstances.
Quote: For you, I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open and understand that detachment DOES NOT MEAN distancing. It means you don't alter your thoughts/mood/emotions because of his words/actions/emotions. You can talk to him when he calls, express your feelings, etc, just don't get angry when he says stupid. hurtful things. Don't get over excited when he seems to be having a change of heart. Just "be" and let him "be" for awhile without the emotional link that tends to drag you into his disjointed, confused world.
This is a good way of putting it, thank you. Right now, I just want to take a step back. I have no idea how he foresees our future R - or what kind of R he would like to have with me. Sometimes I feel like he's doing this in order to get things back on track with us; however most times I feel as though OW has the most to do with this. I was a roadblock in his R with her, and he wants to take that R to the next level, while somehow keeping me dangling until HE figures out if THAT R is going to work out. I hope I stated that clearly, lol.
Quote: Your to-do list is a great start, now continue and realize that a stronger, more self focused you will make a happier you, and a better person for him should he ever decide to really take a look at what he is losing.
Quote: GAL for me is very difficult. Not because I don't want to. I just don't have the resources - i.e. money for a sitter, money for pretty much anything, really; it seems everything revolves around getting a sitter and lack of money.
hey, maybe it will be easier because now you can drop the kids off at his place and HE can "babysit" his own kids?????
Find the movie She-Devil with Roseanne Barr and Meryl Streep for a pick-me-up in your current sitch.
I really hated coming home to a messy house. It made me a little angry, but I guess it's a good thing in a strange kind of way - it gives me something to do and take my mind off things!!!
