Well, I came back today. I really did not want to go to this christening / b-day party. Besides it being so hard with 3 little girls, we don't have a place to stay that is comfortable for all of us, and there's a snowstorm coming. Besides, the real reason - my emotional state is just so fragile right now. I couldn't deal with all of his family.
So, I came home. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, making him take our oldest daughter and go by himself, but I just didn't want to. Actually, I wanted him to want me to go - he didn't really say anything either way. More he didn't seem to care whether I came or not. That really made me decide to stay here. Once again, not sure whether it was the right choice or not, but what's done is done and SO & our oldest daughter went to stay the night by themselves at his brothers. He kissed me on the forehead when he left and said he'd call later after he got there.
So here I am. As far as me being the one to move - No. I've always maintained that he should be the one to move. For a variety of reasons. He's the one that's confused, so he should go. I thought that letting him go live on his own would help in his decision. Then, one of our kids is in school and I didn't want to uproot her in the middle of a school year. Us moving would mean we would move to another state approx 2 hours away. Him moving would have him nearer, etc. Kind of like leaving the door open somewhat. I always looked at the whole upheaval to our girls would mean that I would have to firmly shut the door on any further involvement with him. I hope I'm making my thoughts somewhat clear. It just seemed that him moving out would be the easier of the two - he's one person, and there's 4 of us. Including upsetting the girls lives. If he were to move out, he would still be able to see them 2 x per week, plus the weekends. If we move away, he would lose the time during the week.
I don't know. I'm thinking it may be best not to mention it at all. I mean I told him if he wanted me out so bad, then bring me the cash so that I could go. He still hasn't brought it or always has an excuse as to why he won't/hasn't. I always considered a "separation" between us as something that would be advantageous. We are actually together way too much. He has no time to miss me, or notice any changes.
I still believe this has a lot to do with OW. I know I shouldn't dwell on that....and I'm trying really hard not to. I just think she's pressured him to get me out of the house or she won't go back with him. So, honestly, when I think about it, why should I keep bothering with this? Because part of me still believes he loves me. I still see and sense his indecision and confusion. He's so all over the map with his feelings - he hasn't exactly made up his mind yet. Although asking me to move out is a sad, bad sign that he's about willing to lose his kids for this girl. That's the part I have trouble with.
ANyway - if he's intent on living apart, I'd rather find a way to have HIM be the one to go. Any suggestions? I have no idea how to make the idea seem more sensible to him until he's sure he's done with me, so to speak. I mean, for crying out loud, I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, we ML yesterday before I left. I don't think I have ever confused "sex" and "love". I don't think I use sex as a weapon...but this was at his suggestion....is this the behavior of a man who "in love" with someone else? I've known men truly in love - and they don't sleep with other women, they don't DO the things my SO does.
Back to what I was trying to say....I don't think he's sure he knows what he wants at the moment. He even said himself that moving out would change things between us. So he's aware of that. But I don't think I can be the one to say "move out to see if your feelings about me change and you want to reconcile." So, I don't know the exact words to say...I'm afraid of saying too much....or not enough.
So, now I don't even know what to do or where to start. The beginning (again) is always a good place, I guess. I can't wait to be in Florida. I'll have some solitude and I'll bring my DR book, and lay in the sun, drink some margarita's and maybe, just maybe, I'll figure something out. LOL
Sorry this post is long....and all over the place. Now, I've got 2 hours to kill before the Bud Shootout, so I'll get to reading some other threads..
NM, I agree with White. I would not be in anyone best interest for you to uproot your girls. SO should be the one to move out. I can not remember if I asked you this, if not I meant to. Have you read James Dobson LOVE MUST BE TOUGH?
I know this is so difficult, I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Thanks for stopping by. Wow...I went to bed around 8:30 last night...the race got rained out....I read a little bit (I've regressed to the point of children's books... lol...I'm reading the Narnia series - no self-help for me last night!! )....
...anyway...woke up feeling refreshed...the little girls both slept until 9 - wow! What a difference sleep can make. I'm still a little down, wasn't struck with any clarity during the night, but I did decide to try and come up with a "Plan" for him to be the one to move out. I just have to figure out how to present it to him in a way that doesn't make him feel threatened or like I'm doing it to "hang on" to him. It is, in a way, I think being closer to him will be advantageous, yet, he doesn't need to know that.
So, that's what I'm going to be working on over the next couple of days. I want to have every excuse he can come up with covered...I'll go back to work - even if at a grocery store or something, get the kids in daycare, anything to alleviate some of his financial burdens, etc.
In the meantime, I'll just take things as they come until I get my plane to Florida on Thursday!
I amazed once again at your strength. Yeah, you need to stay rooted in that house. I'm glad you've made that decision.
By the way, SO is not rational so having all the arguments covered may not even work. But regardless, just state your position and do not waver. I believe he will be comforted by your strength. Like a horse with an owner who shows whose boss. Also, inside he will probably be comforted and glad that you are making a stand, because I don't think this is really what he wants, rather what OW is pushing him to do. She really needs to get a life.
It's funny you should say that, Whitelight...about me standing up for myself. When he met me, that was how I was. And I thought to myself, SO has never really seen me in action. He's never really seen how I go about things once my mind is made up.
He's about to get a whole lot of that right about now. The way I was when I met him. The independent, strong-willed person I used to be. I hope he's ready.
No big interactions with SO yesterday. They didn't get home until 5:30. I had left him a VM (knowing he had no service until he was driving home) asking if he could stop at the store for me and grab a few things. He called when he was close to the store and I suggested we have pizza for dinner which he brought home.
Once he got home, we were busy with dinner, kids, baths, etc. After all the kids were in bed, he was watching TV, so I sat down and watched as well. He seemed really quiet, said his stomach was still bothering him. He ended up going to bed around 8:30...I stayed up and watched a movie for a while, going to bed around 11.
I'm not going to say anything about anything....it's hard because his show today is all about how he has "no valentine" this year. I want to call him an ass. LOL But I won't...only here.
I may say something to him before I leave for Florida about my proposal...only so that he knows I was thinking of it before I left and not something I dreamed up while I was gone. Or should I not say anything at all? I mean, he's apparently pining over OW. What do I do? Let it ride? I don't know how to, without thoughts of him resenting me because "I was in his way" of his R with OW. I know, I know - he has the choice to leave, all that - in his irrational state of mind, he probably won't see it that way. Just that "I" am the roadblock to his happiness. Uck.
He doesn't have a Valentine this year? Yeah, what a joker.
NM, how about telling him to move in with ow and changing the locks. Moving away to another place and never contacting him again.
WHo do these losers think they are? He's not in lvoe, he has some stupid infatuation and he's not even mature enough to know it.
NM, Even if you did think of it in FL, that's okay. I don't know if I would tell him before you left. Will he do anything to your stuff while you are gone?
No, Whitelight, the R isn't like that. He won't do anything to my stuff. And yes - I agree, he very immature these days.
We had a long convo last night. A bunch of BS from him mixed in with a lot of eye-opening statements as well....he still refuses to admit he's involved with this girl. DUH! Anyway, I outlined my proposal to him, that is, I stay here until summer, going back to work, and putting the two little girls in daycare. I used guilt, re: upsetting the girls lives, to make my point. The truth is, HE's the one confused - HE should go. He seems to have agreed. For now.
I went through the newspaper and found a whole bunch of rentals and gave them to him. Told him I wanted something set by the time I got back from Florida. We'll see what happens. If I don't prompt him into this, he'll go on like this indefinitely. Something I can't live with anymore. I know, anti-DB; but it is the way I feel. I've been through so much, right now, I feel like the WAS - I see nothing, remember nothing but BAD. If we stand any chance at all, both of us need to take a stand back, get our heads clear, and take it from there.
And, it will be good for me. That's what I'm thinking. It has to be all about me & the girls now. And, when it comes to my girls, I'm a she-bear. And I told him that as well. It's bad enough the kids will lose their father, but I will not have them lose their home, my daughters school & activities, and everything else....not all at once. If, when summer comes, I decide I don't want to be here anymore, then the power is mine to move out. If he doesn't like it, too damned bad.
And, get the audacity, after our "talk", he even wanted me to sleep with him. Physically and otherwise. I refused. Nicely, but I still refused. He's got some serious mental issues right about now.
He kept going on about what, and with whom, I would be doing it, in Florida. Said he's gonna go nuts thinking about what I'm doing. I told him that it was his choice to end things with me and that my dating or being with others came with the territory. He said thinking about me with someone else makes him "suicidal". Says he can't stand the thought of losing me, blah, blah, blah. I'm rolling my eyes now, just thinking about this. I'm really starting to believe he's crazy.
So, today I'm calling local daycare centers, getting some things prepared for when I get back from my trip. Even if I have to take a disposa-job, lol, I've got to do something. The deal fell through at my old company, so that option is out. Right now, I really don't want anything too taxing on the brain....I'm thinking grocery store, something "easy", and something where, if I decide to move, I can quit without too much trouble. Just anything to get me out of the house, GAL, and make some money at the same time.
I told ya, I'm back in action and he better be ready.
I feel like the WAS - I see nothing, remember nothing but BAD.
You said many very strong things in this post, but this one stuck out to me. Isn't it true at some point. As we gain back out stability after being knocked upside-down and sideways from all this, we start to realize that WE are the sane ones and maybe it's US who should be taking steps to literally move on.
I really like what you are saying in all this. I don't think you are truly setting ultimatums because you think it's totally over, you just have reached your limit and are trying to identify a different path that will possibly make you happier and give him the room to figure out what he wants. I hope you are right in your decisions.
As for your H. Wow. He really is confused, isn't he. My W does a little of the same thing like when she asked me if I met and new "friends" lately. They somehow think that no matter what they do, we will be right there waiting for them, celibate, brooding, open to whatever. Wrong. I think they sometimes mistake our DBing for weakness until they finally realized that love is the source or our strength and DB is just the current expression of it. Ultimately, we will turn that love totally inward and then they will be faced with the true reality of what they "wanted". I wish them all the happiness in the world.
You sound great right now. Take care in making these decisions and make sure it's really what YOU want and not a reaction to him. I wish you the best and a happy as possible V day!
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