Well, I came back today. I really did not want to go to this christening / b-day party. Besides it being so hard with 3 little girls, we don't have a place to stay that is comfortable for all of us, and there's a snowstorm coming. Besides, the real reason - my emotional state is just so fragile right now. I couldn't deal with all of his family.
So, I came home. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, making him take our oldest daughter and go by himself, but I just didn't want to. Actually, I wanted him to want me to go - he didn't really say anything either way. More he didn't seem to care whether I came or not. That really made me decide to stay here. Once again, not sure whether it was the right choice or not, but what's done is done and SO & our oldest daughter went to stay the night by themselves at his brothers. He kissed me on the forehead when he left and said he'd call later after he got there.
So here I am. As far as me being the one to move - No. I've always maintained that he should be the one to move. For a variety of reasons. He's the one that's confused, so he should go. I thought that letting him go live on his own would help in his decision. Then, one of our kids is in school and I didn't want to uproot her in the middle of a school year. Us moving would mean we would move to another state approx 2 hours away. Him moving would have him nearer, etc. Kind of like leaving the door open somewhat. I always looked at the whole upheaval to our girls would mean that I would have to firmly shut the door on any further involvement with him. I hope I'm making my thoughts somewhat clear. It just seemed that him moving out would be the easier of the two - he's one person, and there's 4 of us. Including upsetting the girls lives. If he were to move out, he would still be able to see them 2 x per week, plus the weekends. If we move away, he would lose the time during the week.
I don't know. I'm thinking it may be best not to mention it at all. I mean I told him if he wanted me out so bad, then bring me the cash so that I could go. He still hasn't brought it or always has an excuse as to why he won't/hasn't. I always considered a "separation" between us as something that would be advantageous. We are actually together way too much. He has no time to miss me, or notice any changes.
I still believe this has a lot to do with OW. I know I shouldn't dwell on that....and I'm trying really hard not to. I just think she's pressured him to get me out of the house or she won't go back with him. So, honestly, when I think about it, why should I keep bothering with this? Because part of me still believes he loves me. I still see and sense his indecision and confusion. He's so all over the map with his feelings - he hasn't exactly made up his mind yet. Although asking me to move out is a sad, bad sign that he's about willing to lose his kids for this girl. That's the part I have trouble with.
ANyway - if he's intent on living apart, I'd rather find a way to have HIM be the one to go. Any suggestions? I have no idea how to make the idea seem more sensible to him until he's sure he's done with me, so to speak. I mean, for crying out loud, I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, we ML yesterday before I left. I don't think I have ever confused "sex" and "love". I don't think I use sex as a weapon...but this was at his suggestion....is this the behavior of a man who "in love" with someone else? I've known men truly in love - and they don't sleep with other women, they don't DO the things my SO does.
Back to what I was trying to say....I don't think he's sure he knows what he wants at the moment. He even said himself that moving out would change things between us. So he's aware of that. But I don't think I can be the one to say "move out to see if your feelings about me change and you want to reconcile." So, I don't know the exact words to say...I'm afraid of saying too much....or not enough.
So, now I don't even know what to do or where to start. The beginning (again) is always a good place, I guess. I can't wait to be in Florida. I'll have some solitude and I'll bring my DR book, and lay in the sun, drink some margarita's and maybe, just maybe, I'll figure something out. LOL
Sorry this post is long....and all over the place. Now, I've got 2 hours to kill before the Bud Shootout, so I'll get to reading some other threads..
